You Robbed My Heart - Jesse Klaver X Rob Jetten AU Fanfiction

Chapter 18

A few hours and a long run through the park later I take another shower. As the hot water runs down my back I think back to this morning. It had felt a little off. Lying there in his arms it had felt a little awkward, and so I got up to go out for a run. Don't get me wrong, the sex was nice. It is just that right after I felt our connection – the one we had temporarily found again – leave. As if his mind was somewhere else. I can't blame him though, since my mind certainly was wandering. Wandering to the handsome guy I held in my arms yesterday, running my hands through is dark curled hair and down his muscled back.

We used to be in sync, Stefan and I. Now, as the years have gone by, we are still in sync, but often so disconnected at the same time. Don't get me wrong here, we are still good. Everything is good. I've been so terribly lucky to run into a guy like Stefan. Still after all these years he makes my life a hundred percent better. We are in sync because we have had years to practice and perfect. Our home life is a well-oiled machine.

However, the passion is gone. There is still love, but it feels different. Maybe that is just how things go. How life goes. Perhaps, in other circumstances, I would not have doubted, either about Stefan or our relationship. But Jesse awakened something in me, he made me realize that there is something more – something different. Something urgent and passionate that makes my head spin. Something I once had with Stefan as well.

Maybe I should talk to Stefan about all this, about us, but deep down I already know I probably won't. I find that kind of talks uncomfortable and embarrassing, and above all dangerous. As if talking about your own relationship with your partner removes the magic that cloaks the life you have together and instead shines a light on all the imperfections, arguments, and pain points. I guess I am just scared. Scared that talking about those things might do irreversible damage.

I guess I'm also afraid to be alone, to be without Stefan. Not that I am mentally unstable or anything, but I've been with him for so long now. I just don't want to find out how okay I will be if I have to continue on my own. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, I am so lucky that he went for a guy like me.

As I step out of the shower I look at myself in the mirror above the sink, while drying myself off with a towel. Stefan was right the other day, I have lost weight again. My ribs are visible through my skin. I've always been skinny, but this might be a new low. It's not pretty I think. I should start eating more and running less. Although, last night Jesse said I looked good, sexy even. The memory of that moments brings a smile upon my lips.

And then all of a sudden it's there. My brain goes in overdrive and starts running at high speed.

I cannot help but wonder, or rather, overthink. Maybe I am not that special. Maybe Jesse didn't sleep with me because he thought I was hot but just because he was curious and I was available. Very much available. A harrowing feeling of shame makes its way through my body. O god. Maybe he just wanted to experiment. What if he never wants to do with me again? Of course he wouldn't say that to my face because he's so nice, but what if it is true?

I feel tears come up in my eyes. This is not good, not good at all. I am spiraling. Shit. Quickly I finish drying myself and stumble out into the hallway, looking for Stefan. I can't find him. He must have gone out for groceries or something. He isn't in the kitchen or on the couch, and when I walk into our bedroom – tears still obscuring my sight – it is empty. Empty except for my phone on the bed. I grab it to see if he has texted me something, but there is nothing there.

Okay Rob, think. I feel panic coursing through my veins. I don't like the feeling. It needs to stop; I never like it when I'm like this. I look at my phone in my hands. Should I call Stefan? He usually knows how to calm me down. But something, maybe embarrassment, stops me. Instead, as if something is controlling my body from the outside, my fingers dial another number. His number.

"Hey honey, what a nice surprise." The warmth and familiarity in his voice already calm me down a little.

"Hi."

"Rob? Everything okay?" His voice sounds worried.

I hesitate. I called him but I don't want to tell him how I'm doing, afraid it might be inappropriate. For fucks sake Rob, I call myself out, you only slept with him once. Don't get clingy. "Sorry for calling, I shouldn't have." I

"Oh don't be silly, it's fine. My family is still out of town, remember?" I hear him chuckle on the other side of the line.

I do remember. He said so himself the other night. That's why he came over, because his wife was gone and I was available. Tears well up in my eyes again, this time out of frustration with myself. Why do I care so much about this? It was a casual hook-up, nothing more. My brain knows this, but my heart doesn't seem to correspond.

"Hey, is everything alright?" Jesse's voice sounds unsure now.

I swallow nervously and fidget with the hem of the blanket on the bed. "Yeah." I say, but I probably don't sound too convincing.

"Where is Stefan?" He asks now, a bit more careful.

"No idea. I think he's out for groceries or something." God I hope it's only groceries. Maybe he is seeing someone else. Someone who can eat three meals a day and doesn't look like a living skeleton. Almost immediately I get mad at myself for having this thought. We're in an open relationship and I am the one seeing someone else. No rules are being broken. He isn't cheating and neither am I.

Or am I? For a casual fling that should not entail any emotions, I am sure feeling a lot of them. And not only the anxious, negative ones. I am a big believer in yin and yang, and what's more I am smart enough to know that where there are negative emotions there are also positive ones. I would not be as upset as I am at the thought of Jesse just using me because he was simply curious if I didn't care for him.

"Rob?" Jesse's voice interrupts my train, or rather spiral, of thoughts.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to come over?"

I can't help but smile a little. "For what?"

"I don't know. A cup of tea or something, or a repetition of last night. Either way you sound like you shouldn't be alone."

I smile. The thought of seeing Jesse again so soon drives away a bit of the anxiety I was feeling. He must care for me, otherwise he wouldn't invite me over.

"Plus," he adds, "I know I've only been away from you for a day, but I already miss those big brown eyes.

My heart skips a beat, conforming what I already feared – I've got the feelings.  

*Ohhh feelings, what a nice note to end chapter 18 on. What do you guys think is going to happen? Does Jesse have da feelings as well?