A Court of Love and Scars

Between Azriel's shadows and Cassian's light

I realize I've lost track of time since Elain went to Lucien's, and Mor and Nesta went to Rita's, where I know they'll stay until tomorrow, leaving me, Cassian, Azriel, Rhys and Feyre at the table, talking, eating and toasting as if there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately there always is, some happier, some more painful, but tomorrow always comes.

I confess sometimes I wish it didn't.

I am tired of existing, of waiting for something to change, for my bad memories to disappear for good. Every day is the same. My past haunts me and I fight it. I wake up, work and sleep, or, at least, I try to sleep. Sleeping is still a problem for me, after all, my mind remains a graveyard full of ghosts who whisper their evils with hideous voices.

I once heard our dreams define us, but who am I, then, if I only have nightmares?

I close my eyes for a second, trying to stop wandering and focus on the present moment. I don't consider myself part of Rhys' inner circle, after all, our friendship started about five years ago, which, to a fae, is just another grain of sand on the beach. I do still enjoy spending time with them, though. Lately, it's one of the few things I like to do.

I stare at the four chairs, now empty. I don't mind their leaving, in fact I envy them. All I want most is to find that special and unique being, to find a love that allows us to have the courage and strength to go against everything and everyone. Like Rhys and Feyre. Like Mor and Nestha. Elain and Lucien are a different case, but they still learned to love each other.

Of course I can't even do that. I can't do anything right, I never could. Now my heart cries out not for one but for two. I'm in love with two males. I'm lost between two hearts.

Why can't I be ordinary like the others?

After all I've been through, it was to be expected that, at least now, I could have a normal life. But... no. By the Cauldron! Life can only be kidding me.

I just want to fall in love with someone and live that love with everything I am, but how am I going to do that without hurting one of them? How can I choose?

My eyes stray from the chairs to Cassian sitting across from me. He talks to Rhys, recalling something that happened over two centuries ago. Rhys laughs, leaning closer to Feyre, who repeats the gesture. Their shoulders touch each other and they smile.

Cassian, the general, with his authoritative voice, giving orders and coordinating battalions. Cassian, the warrior, training hard every day and fighting the bloodiest battles. Cassian, the prankster, a friend whose joy is always contagious, whose sarcasm always teases and irritates me to the point of making me smile.

Sometimes it's weird to see how someone like him can be so many things at once and be amazing at everything. His joy always colors my grayest days, helping me to forget about my own problems.

My lips start to twitch into a smile as I still stare at his unruly hair as it tries to get away from the bun it's stuck in. I quickly bring my glass to my mouth, looking at some random spot on the wall behind Cass as I take two sips of wine.

I guess Azriel notices something, because in my peripheral vision I can see him fixing his attention on me. My heart leaps and my cheeks heat up. I take a deep breath and take another big sip, as if I might just drown my heart in my chest to stop it from beating.

I stare at the glass I set on the table without releasing it.

Azriel, the warrior and spymaster, training and fighting bravely alongside his fellows so they could survive. Azriel, the Shadowsinger, whose dark powers are always on his side, for good or evil. Azriel, the quiet and faithful friend who would kill and die for the one he loves.