Voiceless (TianShan)

Voiceless I

"Wouldn't it be great if I was happy all the time?" Jian Yi had asked out to no one in particular. His two other friends only sat there, dwelling in the silence that followed and thinking about the future of their friendship with Mo Guan Shan.

He Tian clenched his teeth when the thought crossed his mind. He slammed his foot on the gas, Mo Guan Shan's angry face was plastered on his brain like a scab that itched to be scratched, to be peeled away until the itching stops and makes way for pain.

He's been asking himself. For every minute of every day, he asks himself why he's so hung up on trying to make Mo Guan Shan notice him.

Why do you try so hard when he's not even comfortable around you? What do you hope to achieve in the future? You can't be together because he only tolerated your guts and it ended there. Nothing more. Nothing like what you're expecting.

He groaned in a mixture of anger and frustration. If he can't have him then what now? How will he start again?

If he's going to live a life without him, he needed to start again, to the point where he didn't even know him, because it hurts. Every single second of thinking about him refusing to become a part of his life hurts so much he could die.

He just wanted to start again.

His phone rang, a video call from Mo Guan Shan. The heavy clouds in his head suddenly lifted. He excitedly picked his phone up from the passenger seat, just as an armored truck swerved towards his car to avoid the two motorcycles tailing it. He Tian has only dragged the answer button when his windshield blew up and everything went bloody red, darker and darker, until his consciousness faded to black.

*

Mo Guan Shan dropped his phone on the floor of his room. It happened so fast. He Tian's smiling face, the video got blurry and the phone fell down on the floor of his car. Spray of blood dripped on the camera and before the red covered everything, his saw He Tian's hair from his unmoving head hanging by the steering wheel. It was dripping steadily with blood, sticky and thick and dark.

"No! No, fuckhead! Wake up!" he shouted as he scrambled to the floor to pick up his phone. Kneeling on the floor and craddling his phone on both hands, he shouted at the screen in hopes of receiving a reply. "No! Wake up! Don't fucking joke around!"

But the camera was covered in darkness.

"He Tian! No, no, please no! He Tian. . .please, answer me! Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I will do anything, please, I'm sorry! Stop joking around! I was just upset, I didn't mean to push you away!" Mo Guan Shan shouted at his phone, clutching the thing as if he's willing himself to melt into it and see He Tian for himself. He's just on the other side. He's too close, just beyond the screen, but he can't even shake him awake!

He cried and he called for He Tian for god know how long, sprawled on the floor and pulling on his hair in despair. He's aware that he's drifting into some sort of dream, although he knew he's partially awake because he can see dust and teardrops on the floor. He's eyes weren't closed, he's just staring off into the darkness of He Tian's phone, their call still on-going.

"He Tian. . . Please, I will do anything. I will do anything," he whispered, voice hoarse from shouting.

"You will do anything?"

He's too tired to wonder where that voice came from. He didn't care about anything, just the fact that he didn't even get to say sorry to He Tian and now he's gone. One moment he was smiling and now he's gone.

Just like how you wanted, a voice inside said.

"You said, you will do anything?"

"Anything. . ." he whispered, the side of his face pressed on the floor, his tears steadily streaming down his face. He's on his side in a fetal position, phone just next to his face, still black.