Voiceless (TianShan)

Things left unsaid. . .

Mo Guan Shan let He Tian pull him close, not bothering to pretend that he didn't want such thing happening between them. It's no use, because that part of him, and he himself, was deleted from the boy's history.

And he wanted this. Even if he couldn't fully say the words, he wanted He Tian to do what he wanted to do to him, because he missed him as much as the other missed him. 

The weren't even having sex, or making love, or fucking. He Tian's feeling him and verifying the sensations that his body, the one that retained traces of their once intersecting lives, whispered to his proof-starved brain.

"Oh, gods. What have I done to you?" was the first thing He Tian said after he mustered the willpower to finally look at his body.

An another boy's body.

By forgetting him, He Tian reverted to thinking that he would never get attracted to guys. And maybe that was the truth, and maybe Mo Guan Shan was the only exception.

He wanted to believe that, because He Tian and his affection were like the rarest elements on Earth. For someone to be blessed with both, how fucking fortunate could that person be?

And he wanted to be fortunate, even just in that area.

He Tian traced his fingers on Mo Guan Shan's cheek, sideways into his nose, and then he started from the scar on his brow, down to his eyelid, cheek and down, into the side of his lip. He shifted his eyes down to avoid He Tian's sad eyes. He looked like he might cry as he felt the routes taken by the scars with the skin that was supposed to bear all of that.

"Why. . . Why didn't you just let me die?" he asked in a quiet voice that Mo Guan Shan immediately lifted his face to look at him like he was an ingrate, and an impossibly dumb jerk. He didn't mean to, but hearing those words from He Tian was too much.

He frowned and he opened his mouth to tell him,

"Motherfucker! I love you, that's why. And you loved me, that's also why! If you didn't love me then maybe I got the guts to just let you die but you loved me and that saved your ass! So why?! Why are you regretting having to live a life that I bought so cheap?! All I had to do was accept your scars and lose my voice and lose my friends but I'm still alive and it's fucking enough! Because I get to see and I get to know that you're still here, breathing and doing stupid shit just like always! I don't regret anything so why do you? If I can live with your scars then you have to live with mine! What's so bad about that?!"

Mo Guan Shan was panting and choking with waves of sobs as he shouted to words but he knew He Tian didn't hear him. He's voiceless and even if he was shouting, he was still so fucking silent.

"But. . ." He Tian's head fell to one side as he took it all in, especially the huge scar on his neck. "If you were so precious to me, how could I do all these things to you?"

Nobody asked for it, Mo Guan Shan wanted to say, but he only raised his arms and held He Tian's jaw with both hands, his thumbs wiping away his tears.

"You will do the same for me. I know you would, because you're an idiot like me," he mouthed, looking at He Tian straight in the eyes. "This may sound unbelievable coming from me but you would give your life, your friends' lives and your family's life in exchange for me. That, I know so well. Maybe you don't understand this because you can't remember me, but I do, because right now, I know you more than you know yourself."

It was indeed unbelievable, because Mo Guan Shan never imagined that there will come a time that he will tell He Tian those things. And it was even more incredible that he was the one who pulled He Tian's face and kissed his mouth, because he seemed to be so preoccupied with grief that he chose to just mope around and feel sorry for him.

He didn't need that. He needed He Tian and his body, because his warmth was the truth and the reality, that he indeed succeeded in saving him and wasn't only living a delusion. He Tian was there, hands tracing the scars on his chest as they kissed and He Tian's breath was real on his face as he stopped to catch his breath and wipe his snot.

While the other boy tried to compose himself, Mo Guan Shan picked up his phone and typed:

Call me Little Mo. You used to call me that all the time. I don't hate it.

He Tian read it and he mumbled the words, rolling them on his tongue and testing the melody, tasting the way it affected his mood. A trace of smile appeared on the side of his eyes, like recognition, and maybe a bit of amusement.

Don't force it, chicken dick. Take it easy.

"Was I the type of person who enjoyed being called 'chicken dick' by you?"

Oh yes, you loved it.

But of course he was lying, and He Tian picked up on that and he smiled his usual, naughty smile.

"Stop pulling my leg, Little Mo," he whispered and for some mystifying reason, Mo Guan Shan felt his legs turn into jelly. He staggered to He Tian's bed and sat there while covering his burning face with his hands.

It wasn't supposed to happen. Did he miss that endearment so much that hearing it once after six agonizingly long months, he developed some sort of weird sense of satisfaction upon hearing it straight from He Tian's lips?

He Tian's soft laugh was next to his ear, just as the bed dipped with his weight when he sat down next to him.

"I will love you like crazy," he whispered and kissed his forehead.

"Chicken dick---"

"It really worked," He Tian said, his eyes twinkling.

"Fuck! What did you do?!"

"I kiss your forehead and you can speak. But I guess it wears off after a while."

"Fucking god!" Mo Guan Shan groaned and he touched his own lips just to be sure he really said that.

"You are so different when you speak, I swear it's like a serious personality gap."

"Shut it, ass wipe! If you knew about this, why didn't you kiss me sooner?!"

"Okay, okay, if that's wha you want, you foul-mouthed little red bean," He Tian said and kissed him on the lips.

Mo Guan Shan shouted again and that's how they found out that He Tian was both the key and the lock.

And that stingy god really does enjoy his games.

***

Note:

While having coffee, I suddenly had the urge to write this little bit. I dunno. It seemed like I owe it to everybody.

Plus, I wanted Mo Guan Shan to say those words because it's different when he's the one consoling He Tian. It's just so satisfying.

Thank you very much for always reading. Y'all rock.