Yes I'm A Girl

4

I lay in bed with my eyes closed. I feel the bruises I have on my ribs and thighs. I sit up and decide I should relax and not go to bed thinking about that. I shake my hands and wrists and walk out to the small deck overlooking the city. I slide the glass door shut and sit on the cool deck with my knees held to my chest. I hear cars honking and all the buildings are shut off, no lights on in any of them. I hear Chad walk into the room but I don't pay attention. I pull my hair back, and realize that by now I'm in my gray sweatpants and my Nike neon green bra. But I don't care if Chad stares at me, I could care less, I just need to find out who was trying to take me and where were they trying to take me. Chad knocks on the glass door and I nod letting him come out with me.
"Well it wasn't Greg and Chris," Chad says sitting down on a cushioned chair that was close to me but he scoots away farther. I don't blame him that'd be weird and very awkward. "Anyone you can think of?"
"No." I say silently shaking my head "No one besides 'the posy" I use air quotes and laugh a little, then stop when Chad doesn't laugh along.
"The posy?" He asks as I look up at him and he has a stern look on himself.
"Calm down. Yea you know," I try to get him to understand.
"No I don't know," he shakes his head and keeps his stern look. "Who's in it? Since you know everything!" He's standing up now about to leave. I get up after him and pull him back.
"No I'm not saying that. Just never mind." I laugh a little. I thought it was funny but not to Chad.
"Well obviously you didn't just join today and know that. Who said something?" He says and I just now notice he has gray sweat pants like mine, and a blue dry-fit shirt on with ITALIA on it.
"Well they said it was Chris, Greg, someone else, and sometimes you." I wince and sit on my bed. He doesn't say anything. "I mean they also said your super nice!" I say trying to cheer him up. I look at him as he settles into his bed and goes on his phone.
"I don't care!" He shouts and gives me a dirty look "just shut up." His voice sharp. I go outside again but I don't plan on staying long, just to clear the awkwardness. I can feel him staring at me as the wind blows my thin ponytail in the air. I look down at my phone and spin it in my hands. I turn my head a little and see him move his head away quickly to make it look like he wasn't staring at me. I decide I should just go to bed since we have practice tomorrow but I seriously don't feel like it.
"Uh, thinkin' out loud I must have a quarter million on me right now. Hard to make a song 'bout somethin' other than the money. Two things I'm about is talkin' blunt and staying blunted Pretty women, are you here? Are you here right now, huh? We should all disappear right now-" I rap the lyrics to Truffle Butter to myself, and hum the rest.
"Talkin' filets with the truffle butter. Fresh sheets and towels, man she gotta love it. Yeah, they all get what they desire from it." I suddenly hear Chad rap the rest softly out loud. I laugh as he sings the next part which is really inappropriate. He smiles at me and laughs.
"Your the newest Drake." I roll my eyes and laugh a little, sitting on top of the sheets and go to see a new missed call from an unknown number.
"Nah." He laughs and goes back to playing on his phone. I decide to call the unknown number even though it's probably an ad or something, but I'm bored.
"Hello?" A familiar voice answers. It's low and scratchy like it's been crying but I can still hear a voice that I recognize.
"You called?" I ask and get up from my bed and walk around messing with dirty clothes on the floor.
"Jayden?!" The voice immediately cheers up and I can tell its Blake.
"Blake?" I say shocked. I glance over at Chad who raises his eyebrows up and down. I shake my head. I feel a warmth sensation in my cheeks. No, me and Blake were never "anything" but it's good to hear a friendly voice.
"Jayden I need to talk to you." He says clearing his throat. It sounds bad. I can feel my face suddenly dismantle into a small frown.
"Is something wrong?" I ask laughing a little in awkwardness.
"Well, I got a call. From the college. They said that a scout looked at my work as a police officer, you know my training." He says. Blake has always wanted to be a police officer because he loved fighting and getting to use weapons, but in a good way. It looked like a pretty sick job, but I would never want to be one.
"Uh-huh" I nod my head.
He speaks again,"well, they said a scout looked at my training and work throughout college. He wants me to join the army." I gasp and cover my hand to my mouth and rush to the bathroom. Don't get me wrong it's great that he can fight for our country and I respect that. But no person wants to be told their friend might die trying to protect millions of lives. "I think this will be a good experience. I wanted you to know that I took up on his offer. My phone got taken away and that's why I haven't reached out to you. I'm in the training base right now, but anytime now I take on a tougher challenge."
"How long have you known this?" I ask looking into the mirror. I'm pale and I look small. My face is faint white and I feel like slapping my self to wake me up.
"The morning we both left the dorms. That's why I kind of had a melt down." He laughs a little. That's not his laugh, that's a sad laugh and I can tell this isn't what he wanted! It's what everyone else wanted!
"Oh." Is all I can manage to get out.
"But what's up with your life!" He laughs and I can hear his nose is stuffed up.
"Um-" I was about to tell him but I couldn't, not after hearing that, "nothing. Nothing at all."
"I'm sorry to hear that. But look I got to go, only get 5 minuets on the phone." He says as I hear someone talking to him in the background.
"Oh, ok. Bye." We both hang up. I don't feel anything? I want to cry but then again, I can't. He supposedly wants to do this. I look into the mirror and put on a dark green oversized sweatshirt and smell it. It had a deodorant type smell but yet it smelt fresh and new. I walk out as I see Chad looking at me funny.
"What'd he break up with you?" He laughs a little as I give him a dirty look.
"No. He's a friend." I look away.
"Why so upset then? Only in the friend zone?" He laughs and stops immediately.
"No! He's now in the army." I say and get into my sheets facing the light blue wall of the hotel.
"Well, he'll come back." He says as I see his phone light turn off and he rolls over to his side looking out towards the window.
I throw an extra pillow at him hitting his back then falling on the carpet, "is this a joke to you?!" I say my voice sounding deep and controlling, "he's not coming back! He's gonna die for us! And he doesn't want that?! Everyone else does?!" I stop. Chads face looks up at me and his eyes soften. I laugh and wipe a hair away from my face. "Just never mind, I'm crazy." I lay back down on my back and take a deep breath. I feel my face for tears and thank god there isn't any.
I get up at 12:00 and lay in bed for awhile as I hear Chad in the bathroom showering. I think about last night and how I went off on him. I want to apologize but that's corny and be so weird. When he finally gets out I see him in his black Calvin Klien boxers. He doesn't notice I'm awake and I can't help but stare at him. Ounce he puts on his Adidas warm up pants I finally sit up.
"I'm sorry how I acted last night. I should've been more respectful." He says as I look over my shoulder at him. I shrug.
"No I went crazy. I was being way over dramatic and girly." I laugh a little. "I'm sorry." He puts on his practice shirt. "Okay this is so mushy right now. Let's stop." I laugh. He laughs a little and grabs his soccer bag.
"What times practice?" I ask yawning.
"1:30. Better hurry up" he laughs and walks out the door. I slip off the bed and put on LuLuLemon shorts on that we're black and gray on the sides. I slip on a gray sweatshirt with SLU on it. It's the right size and won't slip. It'll make me sweat more so it'll look like I'm working hard. I get my practice shirt next week so then I'll have to wear that but for now this is fine. I brush my teeth and put my hair in a high pony-tail. It's still straight from last night and makes it look longer.
-
"Indoors?" I say stepping off the bus as people push me around getting me out of their way.
"Yeah, it's National Indoor Soccer!" Jeff says as he smiles proudly.
I give him a weird look, "Is that even a thing?" I snort. He nods and laughs a little. I didn't know I was signed up for indoor soccer. But it figured because all the teams people could make it on we're indoor teams. And I remember Ambush being indoor but for some reason I thought I would make an outdoor team. We walk into the small arena that had big glass windows around the field and it was turf, which was a good thing.
"Pass the ball around and stretch out. We'll start in a couple." Coach says to everyone. I stand awkwardly as everyone pairs up with a partner.
"There's no one else left?" A Jamaican-voiced-man, speaks over to me. I laugh and he passes the ball to me softly and moves to a spot across from me. His name reads Odaine Sinclair on his jersey. He's dark and has big brown eyes. I pass the ball soft at first to him and then he hits one harder to me as we gradually gain strength. I hit a fast hard ball to the side of him but it hits the board and goes over by Chad and Chris. Why is Chad paired up with stupid Chris?
"I'll get it." I say jogging over to Chris to get the ball. He has it under his feet and he hits it to Odaine.
I give him a look and jog back over, but as I do he shouts, "hey newb?! Your legs soar from last night with Chad, or what?!" Everyone laughs including him as he passes it to Chad, who looks totally pissed. I just run to Odaine and get back to passing.
"Okay line up we're gonna take some shots!" Coach says as Alan Hagerty, our goalie, steps in goal. I get in line after Chad hoping it wouldn't be awkward or embarrassing. He looks around his shoulder and sees me. He looks at me like I have something coming out of my head and moves to the back of the line. I scoot up and now I'm behind Blake Ordell. He shoots a low fast ball to the left corner and the goalie barley reaches it and cradles it in his arms. He then rolls it out to me and I shoot a ball towards the upper cross bar and it goes in the net above the goal, to help balls stay in the arena. A miss. I hear everyone kind of laugh quietly and whisper. I walk past Chris in line and see him smirk at me.
"What the hell was that?" Chris says to someone behind him. I walk back to my spot in line and stay quiet.
Then it's my turn again and I decided I would shoot with my left this time to confuse everyone. I shoot it towards the right top corner, which was Alan's weaker side. He jumps up and punches it up. I let a small groan out in frustration. I've done better than this.
"You know there's a goalie in the net right? Your not passing it to him, you know that right?" Greg says as Chris nudges him and laughs. I roll my eyes and walk back in line.
The next drill is running, which I have a lot of stamina in. We get into a single file line with me in the front and Chris, Greg, and Chad are behind me. Since coach paired us into groups.
"Your objective is to beat the other teams but finishing first." He says as he moves out of our way. I rest my hands on my knees, which sticks my butt out w little ITHOUT meaning to.
"Okay, she does have an ass." Chris says as him and Greg laugh greedily and whistle from behind me. I stand up normally and look at all three of them, they are all staring at my rear, even Chad?! I snap in front of them and motion them to look up.
"Maybe I should go first," Greg says stepping in front of me. I look at him weirdly behind is back and the whistle blows. I run in front of him as I beat him past the cone and to the goal and back. I realize he had given up half way and left when I came back.
"Okay whatever." He says angrily out of breath from behind me, as he makes a stop after his run. I look at him as he has is arms crossed in front of him and his eyebrows are scrunched in, like a little kid not getting his way. I move up in the line as Chad finishes and I go on to the second coarse. Axel's team is just a little in front of us and it's then that I know I need to kick into full speed. I run in the circle of cones doing the side shuffles and the high knees, as told to do. I'm now tied with axel as we both sprint to our lines. This is it. Whoever wins. I see him slow down and I sprint harder towards my line and finish in front of him.
"Axel your team gets to rest while the others do finishing sprints." Coach says. But I won? And finishing sprints are hard, where you have to increase your speed each time for how ever long coach wants.
"Jayden's team won." Axel says his hand reaching over to where my team was standing.
"Well that's too bad." Coach says as he starts his timer and Axel and his team step over to their water bottles. I start out with a faster jog and move into a sprint.
"SPRINT!" Coach screams at us. I'm the won in front of everyone. I slow down as my legs feel like jello.
"Go get water boys!" He shouts after about 5 up and backs. I assume I should too so I start to walk over but as I do coach pushes me into the center of the field. "Boys. Your still sprinting until I tell you to stop." He spits in my face. I jog to the goal post in back as he screams for me to sprint. I kick up a little speed as I feel everyone's eyes on me. I soon sprint as hard as I can hoping that'll make him stop but he doesn't he screams it louder. My legs start to give out as I feel them get heavier. I lunge my body forward each step. My teeth grit together as sweat drips off my forehead and around my nose.
"You can do better than that!" He says as I sprint harder and I feel my heart beat pounding out of my chest. "This is why there are no girls in this league of soccer!" He screams. I look over at him and see everyone in a group behind him staring blankly at me and him. I see Chris tapping his wrist and yawning as if I was running to slow. I suddenly see blurred vision and trip on my own feet. I skid on the turf as I feel it cut into my thighs. I rest on my hands and knees as my back arches off the ground. I breath heavily and hear him still screaming at me. I can hear his footsteps walk across the field, and I know I'm about to get it.
"Run!" He says a vain popping out of his neck and his face is red from screaming. Everyone stands farther back staring at me on the turf. I stand up slowly as I try to catch my breath and roll my eyes.
"Don't give me that shit!" He shouts as I jog even slower over to the goal and back. I look at Jeff and Ross who are just staring like everyone else. I feel my pony tail becoming loose. My jog is slower than anyone walking. I feel coaches wrath coming down on me. I kick up speed as I breath through my gritted teeth. I'm surprised I haven't lost a tooth or chipped one from squeezing down so hard. My sweaty hair sticks to my forehead.
"Come here." Coach demands softly. I can hear his voice settle but it has a harsh ring to it. I walk over to him trying to keep my distance. He motions me over closer and I stand close to him, arms length away. He lifts his hand and I know I'm getting it. It happens so fast I couldn't even see his hand move from that position. The sting on my cheek and jaw line throb as I stand up quickly trying not to show any emotion. Coach walks over to me as I step back a little. He suddenly moves his leg back and kicks my knee cap with the edge of his shoe. I fall to the ground slowly as my knee aces and I feel a bruise coming on to it. It felt like my knee bent back the other way and I hold it tightly and stand up slowly as I limp onto it for a little bit but bare the pain by keeping half of my weight on it. I hold my head high trying not to be a baby about this. I want to cry in pain but I can't. Tears aren't coming from my face. I look at everyone as they stand there speechless. Jeff isn't watching anymore as him and Ross look down at there feet and wince every time they hear coach hit me.
"Practice is done for today." He smiles at everyone behind him and I walk away trying not to show me limping. He walks the other direction towards the back door to go to his car. I feel sweat come down from my forehead and drip everywhere. I feel my cheeks for tears and there's a wet spot but it stings to touch, blood. I look at my hand as I see some dark red on it. The slap must've gone deeper than the skin. My knee cap swells up and it's now black and a dark deep purple. It throbs every move I make. No one makes a sound. I grab my bag and sling it across my shoulder as my hair falls around my face. I don't move it all I do is ignore it and walk out the doors by myself in front of everyone.
"I thought she deserved it." Chris laughs. I keep walking, limping, as I flop my feet down and my exercise sandals barley stay on because they're so loose.
The bus ride back was quiet, well for me. Coach luckily took his car. I was in the back of the bus in a one seater as everyone was in the middle or front of the bus. They talked, but not nearly as much as when we first arrived. I knew everyone was wondering what I did to deserve that, heck even I was. Ounce we arrived back to the hotel I walked alone to the room, as everyone went to go stop by the front lobby to sign auto-graphs for fans. I acted as if I wasn't on the team, I didn't feel like talking or doing anything right now. I throw my bag across the room and to the area me and Chad kept our soccer stuff in. I took of my socks and threw them in the dirty pile I had in the corner near the closet. I slump down on the office chair.
"I wasn't sure if you wanted to shower first," I say softly to Chad as he steps into the room quietly shutting the door as someone shouts his name from the hall, which sounds like Ross. Chad smiles and laughs a little as if Ross was doing something funny. He closes the door and sets his bag down near his bed.
"Oh. I don't care," he says as he unstraps his shinguards. I grab my towel and my "lounge clothes,"which consisted of a dark purple tank, a light purple sports bra and white LuLuLemon shorts; into the shower and walk in closing the door softly. I turn the water on hotter than normal and walk in trying to relax myself. I just need to forget everything I'm used to and expect the worst.
Ounce I get out of the bathroom I immediately stop at the doorway to look at my knee cap. It's swollen even more and is a dark purple and spots of black. The color of it is a gross looking purple that has hints of what looks like green. I try to wiggle it around but I wince and walk over to my bed. I washed the blood off my cheek but there's a huge scratch running across it, and it's skin colored right now but by tomorrow it'll be clear to see. There's a knock at the door that sets off my focus on my knee and Chad gets up to answer it. He has no shirt on and that's going to defiantly look weird to who ever is coming in.
"Hey," a couple of voices say in unison. Chad steps aside to let them in as he holds the door open. Walking in is Ross, Jeff, Gordy, Blake (the one the team), and Axel. They all crowd around in the room, and the small room doesn't look like it will carry them all, but somehow they manage to squeeze in and still have room to move.
"Oh wow, visitors." I look up from my phone and smile a little. They all laugh a little and sit on either my bed or Chads.
"Hope we didn't interrupt anything..." Axel laughs as he looks at me to Chad who's standing there with no shirt and his pants sagging down a little showing his Calvin Kliens.
"Enough with the jokes," I say as everyone laughs at Axel. Chad walks into the bathroom awkwardly and everyone just kind of sits there. I knew why. They wanted to give me sympathy.
"So about practice," Jeff starts out but I cut him off,
"I'm fine. I don't need sympathy." I say tersely. They all kind of sit there quietly for a moment.
"Jayden-"
"Look Jayden we know your trying to be 'tough' around us but it's clear that you know your hurting by what coach did." Blake says immediately cutting off Ross.
"Coach didn't hurt me," I shake my head and laugh "yeah sure, a couple of bruises. I'm fine! He's not gonna hurt me, I'm pretty strong. Stronger than you all think I am." I say sternly.
"No your not! No one is when it comes to that kind of abuse!" Axel softly shouts using his hands to emphasize his meaning.
"It's not abuse! I should've sprinted more. I deserved it. Now I'm being a man about this. Are you guys?" I say standing up and walking toward the door to let them out.
"You don't have to fight your feelings for us. Anyone would cry!" Gordy says smiling like usual, but it's more of an understanding smile. I immediately think of Blake in the army, fighting for everyone and how he's fighting for himself and others. That's how things work. You fight for everyone and you have to carry yourself as well as others!
"Can we talk about something else." I say sitting in the office chair. Everyone agrees quickly and decide to play FIFA, since Axel brought it over. I watch everyone go and I sit and watch quietly in the corner spinning in the office chair. I never really caught a game they played, I was to busy thinking about Blake. But I did catch Chad play a couple of games with them after his shower. He always made them laugh and would be a part of every conversation. He seemed to know how to fit in with them. I took mental notes on how to talk with the guys, and everything I came up with was things I would do with my friends back in college. Ounce everyone left it was me and Chad and the loud noises and cheers were gone. It was completely silent, almost deafening.
"I can guess pretty easily what you guys were talking about when I was in the shower." Chad laughs to himself. I nod for a couple of seconds.
"It's not that big of a deal." I say and get up to sit back on my bed. It's quiet again. My knee aces even more now and I'm not sure if I should bare with it or ask someone for help.
By now it's 10:45 pm and Chads asleep on top of the sheets with his phone on his chest as it rises every time he breaths. I sit up and a sudden dizziness fills my head. I decide getting up would be the only way to stop it. I get up quickly and immediately fall. My knee gives out and I can't feel anything on it. It's numb. I look at it through the stars I see in my eyes. It's swollen even more and it makes my leg look abnormal. The stars soon block my vision and I crawl on the floor on my good knee, dragging my numb leg.
"Chad," I say quieter than I expected, "Chad!" I shout louder as I feel around. Am I going blind?! I hear him shake himself awake and I hear his footsteps hazily stomp over to me. I look to the side and close my eyes. There's no difference.
"I can't see anything!" I shout. I feel him kneel down in front of me and he holds my head and softly moves it so he can see my face. His fingers are rough in a way but smooth in another. His touch gives me a small tingly feeling.
"You probably got up too fast. Lay down where you are right now." He says calmly. I lay down as I pull my numb leg up off the ground and straight so it's fully resting on the ground. The stars slowly fade away and I can see. Chads face is far away as he stands up and looks down at me.
"Okay I can see," I say quickly "but my knee is like numb."
"If this is a way to make me pick you up and fall in love, it's not working." He laughs as he moves his hands into my armpit area and lifts me a little off the ground.
"Ew no! Put me down!" I laugh and move my weight towards the ground as he softly lets me down on the carpet.
"Okay, lay there for the night." He laughs "we have a game tomorrow though."
"No, just-" I crawl towards the bed. I feel so weird and unnatural. I laugh a little as I crawl in a funny way towards the side of my bed. I hear him laugh the loudest I've heard him laugh, besides with his friends.
"Shut the hell up!" I laugh and point at him.
"Ha. Ha." He says sarcastically. I roll my eyes and I claw my fingers into the bed sheets trying to pull myself up. I quickly jump on my good knee and pull myself on top of the bed.
"So what do you think is wrong with it?" I ask looking at it and how weird of a shape it is.
"Umm do I look like a doctor?" He says going back on his phone. Is he on his "period?" Because honestly he's happy one minuet than sassy the next. I look at the bruise on my side of my rip cage. There's a odd shape in the bruise like a sliver of the moon. I ignore it and straighten my knee in a pillow, but I suddenly realize I need some water and our fridge water isn't that cold.
"I'm gonna go get some water from the shop down stairs." I say using the wall for support as I wobble and hop my way over to the closet, which keeps extra crutches in it, who knows why. I realize chads asleep, which I should be too considering we have a game tomorrow, but I can't; I'm not tired.
As I walk to the small shop down stairs I notice the lobby is empty like last time, when I got attacked. I hear noises from the lounge area, some that I recognize but I don't pay any attention.
"A bottle of water please." I say handing the lady my cash. She hands me a small water bottle and gives me back my change. Just as I turn to walk away my phone goes off, it's Blake from the Army base.
"Hello." I say taking a small sip of the water. I hear a crinkling noise like he's eating something coming out of a brown bag.
"Hey Jayden!" He tries to make his voice sound happy, "this'll be my last call for awhile. I'm finally getting to fight in Iraq. Just wanted you to know so you don't worry."
"Why would I worry?" I ask, my voice has a sharper tone to it now.
"Well, me being in the army and-"
"Do you even want to be there?" My voice is louder as I step into the elevator.
"Jayden what's wrong?" He says sentimentally. I stop and stand there for a minuet looking at my face in the elevator mirror. What is wrong?
"I'm just tired, that's all." I say un-sharpening my tone a little.
"Okay well, they gave me and extra 10 minuets, since I was the last person in line for the phone." I can almost feel his smile through the phone. The smile that he always does when he sees me. The one that curves up small but his teeth are crystal white and his lips always smooth.
"Oh," I say as I stand out side the room door, not wanting to wake Chad.
"So have a job yet?" He laughs. I smile a little at one corner of my mouth.
"Umm. No. Just chilling I guess." I laugh a short breathy laugh. I sit down against the wall setting my crutches aside, which I'm actually really good at walking with. My knee starts to heal and become less numb.
"Oh c'mon! There has to be something! Your Jayden!" He shouts in his excited tone.
"Is there any time on when you might come home?" I ask softly.
"Missing me?" He laughs but slowly stops getting quieter. There's a long silence on the phone.
"Maybe just a little." I smile. There's still silence and I can see him crying in my head. I know what he's doing. It's almost like he's rights in front of me.
"Well I know when I do, we're getting tickets to an Ambush game." He says taking a bite of something.
"Nah. I don't like those games anymore." I say looking down at my fingers and twirling them around.
"You used to love those games!" He says almost questioning me.
"Well I don't. And don't say 'when I do come home', it's if." A sudden burst comes out of me.
More silence.
"Jayden, I gotta go." He silently says his voice harsh sounding. I hang up as I sit there and barrie my head into my hands. I hear foot steps and I know it's coach checking in on us. I rush to the door crawling my way in trying to take steps. I left the crutches outside but it's doesn't matter. I need to go to bed.