Letters I wouldn't send

TOTGA01

Hi,

It's been 2 years since we've last tried working things out again. It's been 2 years since I've promised to do better, to make you feel more loved and treasured; yet I failed. It only took 2 months for me to break that promise. 

I again, gave up fighting. I again left you alone wondering what you did wrong. Di man uli nangyari na iniwan kitang umiiyak habang umuulan, pero parang ganon pa rin yung nangyari. Naiwan ka pa rin, gustong lumaban, gustong ipaglaban, gustong panghawakan yung pagmamahal na nakakasakit, gustong humabol, pero pagod na.. It was my fault, I should've been firm with my decision nung unang beses kong ginawa. Hindi na dapat ako lumingon, hindi na dapat kita hinayaang makahabol. I should've left habang maaga pa, I should've known better. Instead na paulit ulit nating sinubukan, sana natuto na lang akong manindigan. Pinaabot ko lang sa point na nung huli tayong naghiwalay, di mo na kayang tumayo para humabol.. I failed to fulfill my promise, I failed to make you feel loved.

Walang magandang rason, walang enough na rason to justify what I did. I did love you, I hope you knew. But my love was selfish.. I tried to keep it, kahit alam kong di pa dapat. di pa pwede. I was overwhelmed with what I feel (yes, "feel", di pa rin past tense kahit ilang taon na) for you, that I set aside the huge possibility of ruining the good in you. Akala ko kaya ko, akala ko kaya ko na. I tried, I tried so hard yet it wasn't enough. My love was so strong yet I was so vulnerable to fight harder. It's not that you're not enough para kayanin kong lumaban. I was too broken, which I knew, pero di ko pinansin. I knew that what I'm giving you was the love you didn't deserve. Nagpakaselfish ako, I took advantage of the love that you can give even though I wasn't sure of what I can give. I took advantage of the comfort, the warmth.. You are my calmness in the midst of my raging sea, ikaw yung naging pahinga ko.. Yung yakap mo yung naging pahinga ko. (I miss our slow dances, thank you sa pagsakay sa trip ko..) And when I wasn't able to get it nung napagod ka, I left. Kasi nagbreakdown ako, kasi wala ka para saluhin ako. Instead of fighting habang napapagod ka, sumuko lang din ako. Imbes na kayanin at panindigan, tumakbo ako papunta sa kabilang direksyon. 

This time, when I left. Di ako lumingon, ni hindi ako nagsalita, ni hindi ako nagexplain. I just left. At the end, I didn't even give the explanation that you deserved. Inspite of giving me the overwhelming emotions, umalis pa din ako.. Fucked up no? I'm 24 yet I still don't know how to take responsibility. It even took me almost 2 years just to have the guts to ask you if you're free to meet. to explain things. But of course, you rejected. Somehow, I'm happy. Atleast, you won't be dragged into my whirlpool.

I hope this will be the last time na may kapal ako ng mukha na guluhin ka, I hope this unsent letters will be enough..


- Love
10/03/2021