You said

Something went wrong.

I don't remember the time where I first opened my eyes, I mean, that's not a surprise isn't it? I do however, remembered the first time I felt that sinking, suffocating feeling. It was regret.

It was when I had to choose two things, toys to be exact. I remembered vividly on choosing the one where I thought it'd be much bigger, turns out my tiny brain couldn't comprehend how small the toys were compared to the other. It doesn't matter which toy it is, I just knew that I regretted buying the other one because it's not what I hoped it'd be.

You know what's fucked up? I hid my tears, I didn't tell my family members because I was afraid they would mock me, that they would blame me because I picked the wrong one. I was 7 years old.

That was also the first time I experienced shame. You know as a child I never really gave a shit. I like to call my younger self a mini-sociopath. I didn't know that my actions have consequences that are bigger than me. I always thought that I have the world on my palms. That everyone should bow down to me.

That memory can never be erased from my mind. Maybe I'm looking too much into it, like how English teachers think that the semi-colon represents something when really it was a tiny mistake. I digress, I just think it's pretty neat how younger me dealt with it.

Now I'm all sad and cranky. What the fuck went wrong?

I guess life went wrong. There's no such thing as a perfect life, sure when you're rich maybe you'll have it all, still that ain't so perfect. A cliché answer to things really.

I keep wanting to find the reason why I'm like this now, why I'm so torn about the past, why I'm still hung up on past events.

The fact is, I still don't fucking know. I'm the type of person who has to know why something happened, what went wrong? Even the smallest things.

Here's my top reasons why I'm sad as of now.

My whole family.

Such a controversial take I know, or is it not?

I get it. Family is good, family is this and that. I should be glad because I'm fed and got provided with things that I needed. I should be grateful that I have roof over my head. To which I thank them. I appreciate it.

Still doesn't negate the fact that emotional abuse is a thing and while I know I wasn't beaten up a lot, there's a lot of things to unpack.

It feels silly to just air out my childhood memories but hey, therapy is expensive and I'd rather embarrass myself than be in debt.

There's one particular family member that I think gave me the most trouble. That was my mom.

Last entry I did, I told you that she was understandably messed up because of how fucked up her childhood was. I just wish that she could take responsibility other than "Yeah sorry, it's all in the past now, can you forgive me?"

It stung. I don't know how to forgive her. Well, more like how do I even approach her. She was always yelling. Verbal abuse is what people call it. In front of my classmates, church members, guests, in our own home.

I wasn't completely innocent at all, of course I did the usual bad things a child would do, but even with that reason, she berated me like I just committed murder.

There was this one time where I don't remember what we were fighting about, I just knew that it was a bad one because it was right before graduation day.

I bawled my eyes out, asking for forgiveness because that's what I always did.

I pleaded with her to forgive me for what felt like forever until she finally fucking answered.

And so I went to my elementary graduation day with huge puffs of eyeballs. My double-eyelid turned into a mono-lid overnight, that's how much I cried.

A year later my parents broke up.

I was sent to the hospital. My immune system was getting weaker, I didn't get out of bed, I just want to fall asleep. I bottled my emotions, because I had to.

Dad was crying and I've never seen him cry before. Not once in my life. So I didn't cry anymore.

I figured since dad was hurting, that meant that I have to be strong for him, so that he won't fall apart too. Everyone in my family was crying, and I felt like I had to stop my tears so that they can finish theirs.

Family being broken apart isn't uncommon, I just thought that I'd never experience that. How naive that was.

I blame myself for everything and anything that happens. Mainly because I was the reason my family is broken, because I was created.

You know what's funny? I used to think that I was adopted. Turns out it was worse because I'm actually an accident. They didn't chose me, they didn't even expect me. I blame my entire existence.

My dad could've been richer, he'd have more opportunities if I wasn't here.

My mom would just go on with her life and dad might just be a small portion of her life.

I just think that it would have been better if I wasn't here.

I don't know how I went from childhood shame and regret to this kind of regret. I didn't even have a say if I want to exist or not and I regret being alive.

I blame myself for having depression. I should've seen the signs, I should've taken care of myself, I shouldn't be this way.

I'm just living with regret and shame at this point. I feel guilty, and for what? What am I even guilty for? I don't fucking know.

I could blame my parents, blame society, blame the whole world, but it all comes back to me. I am responsible for myself, no matter what I say and do, it will always come back to me.