You said

I suck at creating.

I thought I'd never mention him again, but I guess I will. That boy from the first chapter? Yeah, there's a lot of stories that surround him. Well, it's because I'm still trying to make sense of how I should just, let him go.

I sound like a complete psycho because I always mention him somehow, but I won't be mentioning his name, for the sake of my sanity.

I heard from a friend, that he said someone was better at art than me. I played it cool. I told them that I didn't care.

Well, I wouldn't be writing this chapter and book if I didn't care. Of course I cared, it hurt me a lot.

You probably know this but in case you don't, I draw things. Mostly characters.

I let that statement of his affect me to this day, and me writing this should help me get over it. The whole point of this book is me finally letting it all out instead of these thoughts roaming around my head for so long.

I'm a vocal person, if I have something I want to say I will say it, but of course there's a lot of exception to that.

I said I draw things right? Well, I'm not particularly good at it. More of an average to mediocre, and even I don't believe that but whatever.

I could show an example but eh, it's not relevant.

It's not his fault that I have crippling doubts of my artistic capabilities, of course not. It was however, part of the many comments I got while I created my art.

Thankfully I had more support than criticisms I didn't ask for, which is great.

I'm still struggling to create anything. It doesn't feel fun like it did so many years ago.

Now I have to constantly watch for anatomy, colors, shading, art things and fundamentals.

It was fun when I didn't know anything about art. It was far more freeing and I hadn't restricted myself from drawing 'wrong.'

Drawing and creating art has been a part of me ever since I knew how to perceive and hold a pen, pencil? Whatever tool it was, I just knew I liked to scribble and that was that.

Art isn't 'useful' some may say. Okay, not some, a lot of people will say it is utterly useless and it's only there for the eye.

See I don't know if I agree with those people or not.

I hate art so much, it's tiring and consumes a lot of my time, but even so, it's the only hobby that I have. I made it my life, and I don't know if that was a mistake.

At the time I'm writing this, I haven't made art that I love for 2 weeks, and that's a lot for me. I usually create everyday. Last time I made one I don't even know I still love.

What I'm trying to say is that I partially blame people because of my incapability of producing art that I love, but at the same time I completely blame myself.

I shouldn't have let these criticisms get to me, I should've just minded my business. I feel dumb for always blaming others when really it was all me. I have to know that nobody is responsible for me.

Maybe it's my depression. I know I always say depression and I always point back to it. I honestly don't know. For all I think, maybe I'm faking my depression. Do I just want it for sympathy? Well not even my family wants to acknowledge that I'm ill.

Moving on from that, drawing isn't what I only do. There are a lot of forms of art. Writing for example, producing music, playing instruments, acting, dancing, and many more. I have tried all of these, visual art is just my main thing.

I think this is just a common problem. Many artist go through this phase.

I just think that I'm really bad at recognizing my value of art. Years of my existence I've always heard that art isn't important, how it isn't a big deal. I don't know.

I just get too caught up, I want to improve more, I feel as if I'm in a stagnant state. I haven't been improving, I just feel that my artwork is weak.

But oh well. What can I do? A well-deserved break might help me. Or not. I really don't know.