think.

-seven-

{Dan}

I'm gonna tell him, I'm gonna tell him, I have to tell him. I love him. I hate this. I don't want to feel like this. Fuck this.
My head falls on the desk as the teacher turns on some random ass video. Oliver was sitting in front of me taking notes and pictures of each page to give me. I jolt awake when the bell rings out and Oliver shakes me a bit. We walk to lunch to see Phill already sitting at the bench waiting for us. Oliver skipped over to Phil as if Phil was waiting at a swing. I've been kind of reluctant to hang out with Phil lately. Oliver has asked if we could all hang out, but I've just been finding ways out of it. However, today was his birthday, so there's no way I was gonna say no. Plus my mom already has everything planned out for him after school.

He's turning 18 today and he's always wanted his first time to be on his 18th birthday. He's been with guys but made sure not to do anything serious with them. He facetimed me the night prior talking about how he was excited it was going to be with Phil because he liked him. I'm also, surprisingly, a virgin. Oliver has made it clear over the years that he wants his first time to be with someone who has never done it either.

I want more than ever for me to be his first time and vice versa. What if I just convinced Oliver that Phil cheated on him, so he would get with me? I mean, it's not that horrible of an idea. It wouldn't be hard considering how impressionable he is. Wait, what the fuck am I thinking? That would hurt him, and that's the last thing I want. I just can't stand the fact that it won't be me. He's my entire world and the only person I've ever loved. Sure, I've had boyfriends, but Oliver has always come first. I can't allow Phil to do that to him. It has to be mine.

Before I knew it, 30 minutes had passed by of my staring off while Phil and Oliver yapped away during lunch. "Dan, are you okay?" Phil looked genuinely concerned that I hadn't talked. Oliver tossed the last bit of strawberry in his mouth and threw the bag away. I don't think Phil understands yet about my mind wandering. "Uh, yeah," I slip a cigarette between my lips," just thinking." I stand to walk away and Oliver grabs Phil's hand. I felt a wrench in my chest.

I don't know why I have to be so upset about it. And I certainly don't know why I have to be so in love with him. I've never had this problem before, even with his other boyfriends. To be fair, he wasn't that connected to any of them. I guess he just feels so much more for Phil, and that makes me want Phil out of the picture altogether. Just something as simple as giving one of them to reason to break up with the other. Then, when Oliver is sad, I can be there for him. After I comfort him, he realizes that we need to be together. I just need to find a way to do that before later tonight. I can't let Phil touch Oliver like that. I need to find someone to set up a situation where it looks like Phil cheated, but no one is coming to mind. He's the only person I've ever loved and I guess I just expected him to inevitably fall in love with me. I shouldn't assume, but he's my best friend and the only thing I've ever genuinely given a shit about other than my art.

Eventually, I was pulled out of my trance by Oliver tapping me on the shoulder to give me my keys I dropped. "Oh, thanks, Ollie." He grinned. "I'm going to go meet Phil outside his class, ill be right back." He skipped off. "For fucks sake," I scoff as I open my locker to grab my cigarettes and lighter. I light the cigarette and take a drag as a teacher walks by giving me the death stare. I roll my eyes and slip the cigarette back into the box so he walks away. I wait until he leaves and grab it back out as I walk down to Phil's last class to try and find Oliver. I came around a corner to see them kissing. Before I knew it, I dropped all my shit on the floor. I had a flask in my bag that flew out onto the floor. Oliver jumped, "Oh my god," he let go of Phil, "Let me help you pick all of that up." "Oh, uh, thank you." I was beyond embarrassed, my face was on fire. Phil spoke up, "So, am I going with you guys for Ollie's birthday?" I felt fury rise in me when I heard Oliver's nickname being said by anyone other than me, let alone Phil. "Only if you're willing to do whatever Ollie wants," I put extra emphasis on his nickname. "Uh, of course, you are honey," Ollie said, grabbing Phil's hand. I felt like throwing up.

We all walked to my car. I tossed my bag into the backseat without thinking and turned the key. Oliver hopped in the front grinning from ear to ear. He plugged in his phone and started playing his "birthday playlist". It was a playlist made up of random Abba songs, a few lady gaga songs, and a shit ton of musical theatre music. He is one of the gayest people I've ever met. He was also wearing a long floral skirt with a cardigan that had sunflowers on it. He had on false nails that were a pastel yellow with bees painted on. All I could think of when I looked at him was the sun. His shoes were white with self embroidered sunflowers on them. His outfit made me especially happy since sunflowers are my favorite flowers. He had several other sunflower accessories on as well.

I popped a cigarette in my mouth and took a drag before driving out of the parking lot. At this point, I was completely zoned out and only heard "Dancing Queen" by Abba and Ollie giggling.

Turn, press, inhale, exhale, repeat. Don't think, just drive. You'll be fine as long as you don't say anything. Keep your eyes on the road. Don't look at him, don't you dare avert your eyes. You're almost there. Turn, press, inhale, exhale.

"We're here!" Ollie exclaims smiling.

Phil hopped out and opened the door for Oliver to walk inside. I just sat there for a moment thinking before I grabbed my things to leave. I walked up to my door and pulled out my key opening up the front door. I tossed my bag on the floor and unlaced my shoes as Ollie and Phil made their way to the couch.

"Now, Ollie," I sat down next to him ruffling his hair, "don't even think about peeking in the kitchen." I laughed knowing that's all he wanted to do.

God, he's so cute on his birthday. I just want to kiss him lots and hug all over him, but I'm supposed to be the mean, brooding one. He has a fucking boyfriend. I need to make sure Phil doesn't lay a goddamn hand on my Ollie. I need to get Phil out of here, soon.

"Dan, are you okay?" I heard Ollie say as I realized I had been staring off into space for the last minute.

"Oh, yeah I'm alright," I stood up, "just off in my world I suppose." Goddamnit, why do I have to be like this? I'm always in my head, cursed with dissociation and the brain of a million writers.