You Said Forever

"I'll stay here as long as you need me too," I remember Ryan saying as a tear fell down his face. "I love you, and as cheesy as it sounds, I'll love you forever. I swear to you."

He grinned down at me, trying to fight back his tears.

I had had only a few days left to live.

I believed him. I believed him saying he'd love me forever, how he swore he wouldn't move on. He'd repeat those promises hundreds and hundreds of times.

We were up late on one of my last days, in the hospital room.

My main nurse, Nurse Madej, had come in to check vitals as me and Ryan were talking.

"What time is it?" Ryan had asked.

"Uh," Nurse Madej paused, glancing at his watch. "3:36 A.M."

"Thank you."

Nurse Madej nodded and continued checking my vitals, and Ryan didn't talk nor look away from Nurse Madej.

The tall man glanced at me as he hovered over me, reaching for something. He smiled sympathetically.

He left within a few minutes, and Ryan watched him as he walked away, until he was out of sight.

I felt a twinge of jealousy. It's okay, he promised forever, right?

I was wrong.

When I'd died the next day, Ryan sobbed. For hours. After I was pronounced dead, and Ryan had begun packing up to leave, to return to our home, Nurse Madej had stopped to check on him.

"Hello, I'm Shane, I was Steven's nurse. I'm really sorry for your loss, I know it must've been hard on you-"

"Thanks, Shane, but I don't need your sympathy." Ryan didn't even bother looking at him.

"Oh. Yeah, sorry. If you need anything," Shane handed Ryan a strip of paper. "Just text me."

"Thanks," Ryan sounded more annoyed than thankful, and left the hospital room with a huff.

Sometimes I'm thankful he believes in ghosts. When he spent months in the house alone, when he'd unintentionally make food for two people, when he'd cuddle his pillow at night, I'd be right there, comforting him.

After a few months, he began to work on himself. He didn't need me to comfort him anymore, but he'd continue talking to me like I was still there.

"I miss you, Steven. I really do. I'm glad you're not in pain anymore, though," He said randomly one day. I tapped his shoulder once to show I shared the same thoughts as him.

Once he was happy with how he was, he texted Shane. I watched over his shoulder as he did so.

Ryan: hey shane this is ryan. i was wondering if you'd like to get coffee sometime?

I watched his internal conflict on whether or not to put an emoji.

Within a few moments, Shane texted back.

Shane: I'd love to. I'm free on Friday.

I was scared they'd get closer. I knew it was inevitable, but I didn't want to watch them bond and forget about me.

Fast forward to now, they've been dating for 5 months and I'm still jealous.

Ryan and Shane have every right to date, and I'm glad they're happy.

Ryan hasn't forgotten about me yet, and when Shane isn't home, he talks to me. Tells me about how him and Shane are doing, how he misses me, how he knows he didn't keep his promise.

That's what hurts the most.

He knows he broke the promise.

The promise he repeated thousands of times as I was on my deathbed. The one promise he swore to keep.

I can't be mad at him.

But it hurts to see him love someone else the way he loved me. The way he sends Shane cheesy memes while Shane's working, the gifts he buys him, the nicknames.

It's the same exact as when we were dating.

I know I should get over it. I can't change the past, can I?