Random Bursts of Emotions

Intentional Loss

I didn't think about what he would feel. I didn't think about what he would do. I just cared enough to know that we wouldn't be able to even survive with this extra baggage in this harsh, expensive and greedy world. So I did what I had to do. Dispose of this extra burden.

While I drove home after that unusual experience, I felt extreme guilt of course. I did feel that immense feeling of loss. I tried to reassure myself that sometimes, we have to lose something in order to gain. Then I ask myself, why lose this? What are you gaining from losing this? All I was gaining was a sin, a heavier weight upon my chest and that emptiness inside me. And along the way home, I cried buckets.

For the rest of the day, I did nothing other than stare mindlessly at the television, visiting the bathroom and lying down on the sofa to stare at the ceiling. The children minded their own business, probably aware that their mother wasn't feeling too good. I must have fallen asleep as when he got home, I did not answer his call.

"Hey honey, how's your day? Are you really tired?" He asked me, concern lacing his words as he removed his tie. "Dan! Deanna! Have you kids eaten?" He left me to stare at him in silence. It took a few minutes before he came back to me, scooped me into his arms to lay me on the bed.

"Honey, what's wrong?" And I burst into tears. I told him everything. As every word spilled out my mouth, every tear rolled down my cheeks, I could feel his presence distancing itself away from me. "How could you?" He finally muttered.

"I was thinking about our family! About you!" I whimpered, reaching for him. He swatted my arm away and scoffed.

"Did you? Did you really? You didn't even ask me about it or even tell me about it before you went and get rid of it." He heaved and before I could say anything, he stalked out of the room. I could hear him getting the children out and into his car. A sudden sound of the engine running then, the house fell into a deathly silence again.