I Am Who? - Book 2

Chapter 42 - Desperation

"What if—" It was my voice, and intense sorrow burst to life within me.

            "Don't." That was Kotaro.

It was pitch dark, and there was a slight chill in the air. I could hear the wind dancing in tree leaves, carrying Kotaro's familiar sage scent to fill my senses. Even though I couldn't see him, I knew he was standing next to me, but this time, his body heat only proved to break a part of me rather than lending its usual healing properties to my soul.

For the first time since I'd grown to know him, I felt lonely beside him. Lonely and scared. I could tell things were different. Something had shoved a wedge between us, and even as I tried to clutch desperately at threads to mend the break, we grew further and further apart.

"It's too late for that." Kotaro's voice was barely above a whisper. "We have to face the truth."

Tears stained my cheeks. No, no, no. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This had to be a nightmare.

"But," his voice cracked, and I knew he was feeling the same emotions as I. "I think you should know before all of this comes to an end that I wish—" he paused for a long moment, and I wanted to reach out and touch him. "I wish things could be different. I wish we could be different. If—"

"Me too." I whispered. "But it can't."

My heart felt as though it had been torn to shreds, and I knew I couldn't stay here with him, or I would never leave. The truth was all out now, and we couldn't be together. The past was keeping us apart.

I sat up with a gasp, tears staining my cheeks. Thick blankets were wrapped around me, and I was in a warm bed, but that couldn't drive away the cold I felt. I gasped for breath, attempting to push away the feeling that I was too late, that things were already spiraling out of control.

"Are you okay?" I whirled around at the sound of the feminine voice voice. "Kotaro asked me to stay here until you woke."

            It was that girl—the one who had hugged Kotaro earlier. My stomach twisted slightly at the sight of her, and I slid a fraction of an inch away from her. It made me uncomfortable to be left alone in a room with a stranger—especially one who made me feel so self-consciously insignificant.

            Seeming to understand how awkward I felt, she smiled winningly. "It's all right. One of the men just went to make some broth for you. He'll be back soon. I'm sorry a stranger's face was the first you saw upon waking."

She was sitting in a chair beside my bed, concern for me clear in her expression as she leaned closer, and I thought her name might be Esah, but my brain was too fogged to remember anything clearly other than the vision I'd just experienced which was brewing within me with furious speed and threatening overwhelm me with its implications.

"I'm Esah." She smiled. "I don't know how much you remember from earlier."

I couldn't think of anything to say, so I merely nodded, turning my attention to the blankets covering me as I attempted to recall the events that had led up to my blackout. There were only two clear images in my brain: this woman jumping onto Kotaro and Azrul speaking of Kotaro killing my father.

"I remember everything." I struggled to breathe around the lump in my throat.

"Then you know what Azrul said." She sighed. "He was out of turn, and you have my apologies. Kotaro told me that that man was a father to you for most of your life."

Dimly, I wondered how close she and Kotaro must be for him to have told her. In the back of my mind, the question of how they'd met in the first place sprang to life but was almost immediately lost among the overwhelming waves of the thoughts spinning around in my brain. Honestly, I just wanted to get out of this room right now. Something within me was spurring me to go somewhere, but I couldn't muster the energy to get up quite yet.