Always, Never

Scared to be lonely

"So have you talked to Jay lately?", Adam asks. We're standing by my locker and Max is taking out or looking for some things in his. He discretely looks at us.

"I have, yeah"

He raises his eyebrows, "So that's still going?"

I nod, "Yeah"

"Good"

"Actually, it's going a lot better than you might think. We talk every day. He's so nice to me. I think he's really into me", I add.

"You think?"

"Who are you guys talking about?", Max asks. Turns out he's not so shy after all...

"Hailee's boyfriend", Adam responds. I've seen Adam and Max talk a couple of times but I didn't think he'd come up to us just like that.

I look at Max who's just standing there and say, "he's not my boyfriend"

"No, but you did make out during the summer"

"Yeah, well, but that doesn't mean we're dating.", I state, starting to get angry, "We're not"

Max nods. "I should go, I'll see you guys later"

"Sure", Adam says and then turns to me, "But why not? If you like each other then just date already", he insists.

"Because you were right, okay? It went wrong, there's another girl, and I said some things and I'm sure he hates me, okay? But it's whatever"

"I-"

I cut him off, "Yeah, yeah, you told me so, I know!"

"That's not what- I was gonna say that I think you should look for someone else, then"

"Someone else? And give up that easily?"

"Didn't you say there was another girl?", he asks, almost like he's done with me.

"Well, yeah and he commented on some of her posts but it might not mean anything. He might just be doing it to forget about me, you know... because he misses me so much."

"If he missed you so much why would he try to forget about you?"

"I don't know? Because it's... hard... being without me?"

"Hmm... okay, and when was the last time he texted you?"

"I texted him like a week ago", I say.

"Has he texted you since?"

"Well, no, but-"

He interrupts, "then he doesn't care about you. I don't mean to make you feel bad but if he were into you, he'd want to text you. He'd want to see how you're doing, how it's all going. I know it sounds pretty harsh but if he hasn't tried to reach out, he doesn't give a damn about you. You just have to let it go."

I guess he's right, but letting go is hard because at some point I became really attached to him, especially given the fact that I had always wanted a summer romance. Then it happened, I tried to make it work after that and failed. And I guess everyone moves on, except for me... But he could've at least tried to tell me about his girlfriend instead of hiding it from me. I feel used. He'd act so friendly, so romantic, so in love at times. He would compliment me, tell me how I was more than he could've ever asked for, and some other times he'd be the exact opposite, making our conversations feel like I was talking to the wall, making me see how I was not appreciated. I should've seen the signs instead of thinking they meant nothing.

•••

"So how's the boyfriend?", Max asks when he sees me walking down the hall.

I hold my books tightly and don't even make eye contact, "he's not my boyfriend"

"But you made out with him?"

I get a little embarrassed. I mean, I don't like him but I don't feel comfortable talking about this with someone who isn't my friend. "I did, but that means nothing", I pause, "but now, I'd really rather not talk about that"

"You're right, I'm sorry. You look pretty upset, though. Are you alright?"

"I will be. I just don't understand why someone would do something like that? Lead a girl on while he had a girlfriend? Who does that? I'm so pissed at him! I can't believe I trusted him. I really thought this was going somewhere and look where I am now!", I stop and realize I'm saying all this to him... why am I saying all this to him? "Sorry, I'm oversharing now"

"It's okay, you can talk to me", he says, giving me an understanding look.

I sigh, "I just feel... used... and like he never really cared about me and it really sucks, you know?"

"Hey, but don't you think it might be a chance for you to get to know more people? I mean, there has to be another guy out there's that's into you", he tells me, giving me a 'you know what I mean' look.

•••

"How do you know he likes you?", Grace asks.

"Because he gave me the look", I say fully convinced.

"Hailee... I don't mean to be a killjoy or anything but are you sure you're right? Every time you've said that things haven't turned out the way you think they would"

"Okay, maybe not. But he clearly said 'there has to be another guy out there that's into you', and then gave me the look right after"

"Oh, if he did that then he must be into you", she says sarcastically.

"I know you said it sarcastically but I just know"

"Just like you've 'known' before?", she asks. She clearly doesn't believe what I'm saying but I know what I'm talking about.

"I know I've been wrong before but-"

She gives me an unimpressed look, "let me guess... it's different this time?"

"Exactly"

"Why do you want him to like you anyway?"

"I don't. I just- well, I think it'd be kinda interesting if someone had a crush on me, you know? That's all"

I don't think that's all.