Always, Never

If you could only see

I decided to text him first yesterday after wondering if I should do so for a couple of days. It didn't go the way I expected, though. The conversation felt longer at that moment than it does now that I'm scrolling through it. I asked him what he was doing and we kinda talked a little about ourselves. I must admit I thought it was going somewhere but he instead decided to leave me on read. Would I call it a complete failure, though? No. At least I had the guts to text him. At least this time I wasn't too scared to do it. I can tell he's been telling his friends something about me, too. I wish I could at least know if it's something good or bad because the way they all looked at me today didn't tell me much. I hope it's something good. I mean, for the most part, I don't care if they don't like me. I know his friends, the popular bunch. And before you say that doesn't make sense given how shy he seemed at one point let me tell you it truly doesn't. I don't know why he hangs out with them. They're all so mean and he's so... nice. They party a lot and he's more of the stay-at-home kinda guy. They all think they're better than everyone and he seems more... insecure. It's like he's just hanging out with them to fit in somewhere but I wouldn't be able to say for sure that what I'm telling you is the truth.

•••

He hasn't mentioned anything about our conversation from the other day. He has barely even spoken to me, and every answer I've tried to get out of him today has been a short one. I've also been looking at the way he acts around other girls. I've seen him hugging a few girls who I didn't even know he talked to. I'm starting to overthink it all. Was he actually not paying any special attention to me? Is this just the way he acts around girls? Why does he have to be so cool one second and the very next one he acts as if he didn't want me near. It makes no sense. I guess it's true that looks can be rather deceiving.

I take a seat next to Adam in class,  but then, remember I have to go ask the teacher something. When I turn around in an intent to get back to my seat, I see him, sitting there, talking to one of his friends, his name is Rick. He's possibly one of the nicest of his friends but I still don't talk to him. Max glances at me, noticing the way I'm staring at him, and then looks away and keeps talking to Rick without saying a word.

I roll my eyes and take a seat next to another one of his friends, who's sitting behind Max and who happens to be my friend as well. He's not one of my best friends, that's why I hadn't mentioned him before.

"What happened, Hailee? Max took your seat?", he asks.

I turn to him, "Without hesitation. He didn't even care"

"But hey, at least you're now sitting next to me, we can finally be together", he says jokingly flirting.

I chuckle, "shut up, Sean", and only then does Max turn around to look at us but this time without looking away.

I've been friends with Sean for a while now. We mostly just tease and annoy each other. Grace says she's always seen more than that, though. She's said there's chemistry between us, but I don't know about that. I like Sean but only as a friend. He does however have many girls running after him, and I must admit he's one of the hottest guys in school, but he's not my type.

•••

"I'm saying we should write him a letter", I tell Grace.

"Write him a letter?  What are you talking about?", she asks. "How's he not gonna know it's you?"

Our school is organizing an event where you can send anyone a letter. It can be anonymous or not and I'm thinking about writing one for Max, making it seem like someone from another grade likes him. It's only fun and games. I just wanna see his reaction. Besides, it can serve as an outlet since I sometimes wish I could tell him how I feel but we all know that's not gonna happen.

"I'll just change my handwriting. Or write it with my left hand. He will not find out, really"

•••

"This one is for... Max Mills. Who's Max?", a girl with many folded papers in her hands says. She's handing out the letters. It's finally the day. I've been waiting for this the whole week.

He stands up, widens his eyes, looks at his friends, and then quickly glances at me, thinking I won't notice, but of course, I do. He goes back to his seat, turns to his friends, and shows them the letter that reads, "Hey, I know we don't talk but I think you're really cute". He smiles so big as if he couldn't believe that someone liked him. Why's he gotta be so cute?

Adam sees Max coming out of the classroom with the folded paper in his hand and says, "looks like Max got a letter from some secret admirer"

"He apparently did", I say.

"I bet it's from Sasha"

"Sasha?", I ask, completely aware of who that is. It's that pretty, tall, and funny girl that's friends with almost everyone in our grade.

"Yeah. I've seen them hang out often so maybe", he pauses, "I think they like each other so I might be right"

•••

I watched him get close to Sasha during recess, they talked, he hugged her and I just stared, hoping it wasn't what I thought it was. I analyzed every single detail. The way he hugged her wasn't the same way he hugged me, his hugs were shorter with her and didn't seem as meaningful. The way he looked at her looked to me like the way any guy with a girl friend would look at her. It was pretty clear he was keeping it friendly with her, nothing to worry about... or so I think...

I don't know, I'm writing this as I'm sitting on the edge of my bead, second-guessing my own assumptions. Does he really not like her, does he really not show her any special attention, or is that only what I want to believe? I guess I wish I could text him and ask him about it in a subtle way... but no. The way I saw it happen withJay was that the more I texted him, the less he seemed to want to talk to me, to the point where I guess he would rather die than talk to me, or at least that's what he made it look like. And I don't want it to end up as it did with Jay, I backed off, stopped talking to him, thinking he'd come running after me, and instead, he chose to leave it like that. I want to mean something more important to Max,  rather than some girl he can just walk away from and forget all about.

•••

I've been trying to avoid him all day to see if he'd do anything to get my attention, but it's exactly what you would be expecting. He doesn't care. And I don't even have much experience to know if avoiding him is the right thing to do or not, but I guess I'm trying to see if he cares.

•••

Max's POV

I haven't talked to Hailee all day. I've been trying to see if she'll try to come close to me to me or just ignore me. And so far, she's just been ignoring me. I have a strong feeling she was the one to write that letter to me. She's not as sneaky as she thinks she is. Part of me wants to believe that she does like me but I also wouldn't know how to feel about it. Not because I don't like her, and I'm not saying I like her either. I've never had a girlfriend before and... I don't know how this is supposed to work. I'm so scared of doing or saying the wrong thing that I rather not do anything, because at least then there's nothing to mess up.

She's pretty nice and I guess I may have a thing for her but I don't want to risk doing anything that might drive her away. I saw her talking to Sean just the other day and he always gets all the girls. Every single girl at this school runs after him and who says this is not the same thing.

"Hey, what do you know about Hailee?", I ask Sean.

"Hailee? She's really cool. I like her."

"You like her?"

"Yeah. I mean, not like like her. I-"

"What are you getting at bro?"

He gives me a weird look and answers, "why do you care so much?", he pauses, "do you like her?"

I fake a disgusted look and say, "no, of course I don't"

"You do"

"No, I already told you I don't. Now, quit it, okay?", I sigh, trying to calm down, "I just want an answer. Do you like Hailee?"

"As a friend. That's all, dude"

It's good to know he doesn't like her but it doesn't mean she doesn't like him... which means... I gotta do something.