Always, Never

Chemistry

A few weeks have gone by and it's starting to feel more and more real each time. Real for me at least. I guess many would not see anything special going on, but hey, the most action I've ever had was with Jay last summer, and that's it. I know it's all going by pretty slow but Max is shy and I'm not only shy but also scared to get hurt again... so overall I'd say it's going at a comfortable pace.

"Just punch me in the face if I start liking someone again" is what I wrote in my diary about a month ago. Now, as much as I hate to admit it, it's undeniable that I'm into him. I tried to deny it for so long but all the signs are there. I'm into him. Almost every day, I see him in class and the moment he makes eye contact with me, my heart starts racing, I blush --hopefully, that isn't too obvious but I'm not sure how red my cheeks get-- and I'm unable to maintain eye contact.

Grace says she doesn't think he's giving me special attention, but every time he sees me in the hallway, he goes in for a hug, just like that, and I take it of course.

"Hailee, you haven't told me who your new crush is", Adam says.

"Who says I have a crush?", I ask, trying to hide it.

"Grace told me"

"Sorry", she mouths.

"Well... it's a secret", I state.

"Come on, we're best friends, there are no secrets between us. I'll tell you one right now: Sadie and I kissed yesterday and I'll ask her to be my girlfriend today", he tells me. Grace just looks down at the floor, knowing that she can't do anything to change it. "Now you tell me your secret"

I think about it for a second and respond, "no".

"What? Hailee? I just told you my secret"

"Yeah, but I didn't ask you to. I just wanna keep this a secret", I shrug.

"Not from Grace. Why did you tell Grace and not me?"

I start getting annoyed and I let it out, "because I know you'll probably tell the guy. Or at least make it very obvious."

"No, I won't"

"Yes, you will. I know you. You're secrecy challenged"

"Oh, please just tell me. I promise I won't tell anyone. Please", he insists.

I doubt this is a good idea so I say once again... "No"

He rolls his eyes and leaves.

•••

I see Adam and Max walking together to a class we all have together. I decide to join them because it's a chance to see if anything might happen.

"Hey", I tell them.

Max makes eye contact with me and turns to Adam and jokingly says, "I think she's talking to you".

"Oh yeah?", I say and cross my arms pretending to be mad, "fine. Don't talk to me, then"

He plays along and tries to hug me, "Hailee, don't be mad", he says.

And I respond with "I'm already mad. I won't talk to you ever again" and chuckle.

He smiles. He knows we're just playing, so he goes on, "come on, please, I didn't mean to", and then he hugs me from behind, putting his hands on my waist. I laugh and our eyes meet for a couple of seconds. We both freeze, but apparently Adam isn't feeling what we both apparently are because he decides to ruin the moment.

"Hailee, would you please stop bothering Max?"

"Dude, don't you see that I'm trying to get her to forgive me?", he responds.

"Which I won't by the way", I tell him jokingly.

"Hailee, don't be like that", he keeps saying. "Just forgive me", he smiles, while grabbing my hand.

I smile back, "I'll think about it"

•••

I get home and decide to post a picture to my Instagram story, just for the hell of it. Not long after, I get a notification. It's Max.

"Hey Hailee", it reads.

"Ugh you again?", I respond jokingly.

Max
You haven't forgiven me?

Hailee
It might take a little more convincing for me to do so haha

Max
A little more convincing huh?

Hailee
Yep

Max

Why do you hate me so much? :(

I'm a nice person

Really

Hailee

I don't hate you

I was just kidding Max

•••

He left me on read last night, and I'd let myself be upset about it if it weren't because I just caught him staring at me.  He had apparently been looking at me for a while now but every time I looked his way he'd simply look away, except this last time. I  caught him staring, we made eye contact, and then he shook his head and smiled. I don't think I anticipated how fast these feelings would turn intense but I find myself unable to erase the smile from my face.

The bell rings and I decide to go up to him.

"Do you still hate me?", he asks, smirking.

"You know what? I was starting to like you until you left me on read yesterday", I say.

"Oh, come on, Hailee", he answers with a rather sweet tone. He then grabs my hand, looks into my eyes, and pulls me in for a tight hug. I don't know what it is about those hugs that feels so good. It feels so right but at the same time, I wish I didn't feel like this. Things tend to go south every time I do, and this seems so promising that I'd hate to ruin it somehow. I never know what the right answer to anything is, and I'm convinced I must be the reason why things have never worked out with any guy I've been involved with before since I'm the only common factor. The problem is I still can't understand what exactly I'm doing wrong, which sucks because I don't know how to stop it from happening. I just hope this one works out. I really do.