"You find nobody when you need them. Even if you knock at their door . Nobody .
So what happened, yes something happened - so one day I did masturbate and got caught !
Funny right ?
A very awkward situation .
Interestingly when shit happens we blame ourselves that why did I do that or why it has to happen today .
But I didn't blame me or my fate I just cried because of few words , my mother asked me to show her the picture .
And just because I have a weird history of dating the weirdest boys my mother assumed I am clicking it for them because she recently read an article where a model was framed to shoot for a porn site !
Like seriously !!!!
Am I that cheap !
No I am not but what makes the whole thing cheap is my mother's thinking !
I was very angry at that point of time but then again I can't say anything- the words won't just come out of my mouth , it itches underneath my skin , it felt like I just have to tear my skin apart , I am trapped . But I can't escape . I wanted to die but I cannot , simply cannot . Except my tears , they come out involuntarily - the so called wet anger where you cry because you are too weak to defend yourself. People shouldn't be like this .
It was not the first time her breaking me . It all started long back . She didn't realised what she did . She is herself too traumatised to understand her situation. I can understand so I try at the least to not give her another reason to be traumatised or something but the same doesn't apply to me . She doesn't consider my emotions that what it feels like to be pressurised ; had she been in my position things would have been different- at least I think so ! Or I may be I am totally wrong .
That makes me think what's the point of being faithful to anyone ?
Why should I bind myself to someone when I can't have the peace of mind whether they trust me or not ! When one slight misunderstanding and you go back to treating me like a shit ?
Do I deserve it ? May be I do which is why I am always found in a compromised position which is why people leave me without waiting for my explanation and this whole thing made me realise that this is normal - not explaining things can be normal and waiting for an explanation is not !
May be I am like my father the person I hate the most in this world - I wish they weren't married ever !
There are so many things that I wish weren't there that I forget I am not the one allowed to wish because what you wish for will be either stolen or I will be too lazy to work for it !
Manifestations doesn't work for me ! I tried I once did but that was the time when I was so heart broken and shattered that I am still collecting the pieces - well I'm not gonna put them back in their place but I'm gonna put them together to make a pile of me just to see how many pieces I can collect and as of how far I can break until I turn to dust and there will be nothing inside me to break .
That's what salvation is . That's where peace lies . Thats where I will be free ."
Akira Roy
********************
Tears rolled down Akira's cheeks as she thought of her situation.
Mom Dad did part their ways , if they did it a little sooner then she doesn't have to bear the burden of it .
She felt like puking . Her anxiety , depression is getting worse . With each passing day she can feel herself getting a little aloof of the material world .
Her belly churned , she ran towards the toilet and puked out every ounce of thing she had in her stomach .
"A thousand of people dies every year but not me !" , Akira shouted .
She started crying violently, tears didn't stopped , she cried and cried louder in the washroom .
It has always been the washroom where she cried . When she was with her parents she cried with towel inside her mouth so that nobody could hear her because if they heard her they would be questioning why are crying ? Even though they were very aware of the situation where the actual problem lies .
She has been brutally abused by her mother when she was a kid , apparently because of her father's behaviour towards her mother wasn't that great .
And now she is dipped in nightmares, panic attacks and what not - but she doesn't let anyone see it . What's the point ? She did tried to reach people out there but they were too busy to respond !
After an hour or so she recovered , cleaned herself and went to her room . There was missed call notification.
Akira picked up her phone it was Kuroo . She called back .
"Hey"
"Hi"
"You okay bub?"
"Yeah !"
"But you don't sound like you are okay"
"Na I am okay"
Akira covered her mouth , "No no no I can't cry I can't cry not in front of him".
Akira recovered and said , " I'm fine just say"
"Look at you you're just meowing like a neko Neko-chan"
"Yeah right"
"See I won't force you to say stuff unless you feel like it but it will really lessen your burden that you are carrying inside you , you know"
"Hmmmm"
"Great now you are purring"
"No I didn't purred"
"But it did sound like purring"
"I just said hmmmmm not purrrrr"
"Whatever you say you are purring , are you that upset ?, you want something?"
"Mmmm naii nothing"
"You sure ?"
"Yeah , I'm sure!"
"Not even Cohee (coffee)"
"May be a cup of Cohee"
"That's like a good neko"
"Hmmmmm, yeah"
"I wish I could be there with you right now"
"Eaaaa that's okay , I want some lone time to recover"
"So something did happened"
"Mmmmmm yeah"
"Come'n shoot"
"Well nothing it's just that I had a panic attack because I suddenly remembered some really bad childhood memories of mine"
"Hmmm bad memories , may I ask what are those ?"
"Mmmm nothing special just my mom beating the shit out of me for apparently no reason and the fact that my father cheated on my mother had a repercussions on me - so everything surfaced suddenly and I couldn't hold myself"
"What if we replace the bad memories with really good version of bad memories ?"
"What ?"
"Nothing just joking , I'm just saying let's replace the bad memories with good memories and fill up the void that exist inside you so that you have a place to belong to"
"Haii"
"Good Neko....you feeling better ?"
"Mmmm I guess"
"Let's meet up again sometime"
"Mmmmm okay"
"Good"
