Gone Girl 2

Chapter 12

I tried to contact Alex but he never picked up, it's been two days since I saw him, I could have gone to his dorm but I chose not to.

Things with Nicole have been awkward since her fight with Irène, but now I'm starting to understand that Irène is way worse than I thought. I should side with my best friend since childhood but I still find myself drawn to Irène, in a weird compelling way, I learned to care about her even when no one else believed she deserved it.

Now that I think about it this way, I realize we are similar in more than I thought, the only difference is that I didn't put an innocent person in solitary confinement for two weeks.

I put him in prison for many years, instead. So how am I any different than Irène? My friends treat me like I deserve more but I know I deserve nothing.

Maybe it's my heart aching for Derek that is making me speak like this about myself, but who am I kidding?

I spent the past two years hating myself, and while Derek—more like the consequences for ruining his life—fuels this hate, it was always there. I can't remember the last time I didn't absolutely despise, loathe and disgust myself.

It's the kind of hatred that never goes away because when you start to think that you deserve less than the scum of the earth, there is no turning point. When you think you are the most horrible person in the world, there is no turning point... and when you believe that you deserve to die, there is no turning point.

I don't think I want to die as much as I think I deserve to die.

I slam the book shut, pulling myself out of my usual macabre thoughts and I sigh deeply as I realize there is no point in trying to study, I'm wasting my time. College isn't for me.

I've already mapped out how my life will turn out, and not even I want to say it aloud.

My phone buzzes in my jacket and as I reach to pick it up, it drops on the hard concrete and I rapidly pick it up to check if there are any scratches—I've been dropping my phone a stupid amount of times.

Dominic is calling me. I reply before he can even second guess calling me.

"I've been wanting to talk to you," I quickly blurt out and I hear him exhale hardly on the other end of the phone.

"Same, I'll come by your dorm."

"Is it about Derek?" I ask with hope in my tone—delusional optimism—I must add.

"Yeah."

My heartbeat picks up, and I force myself to sound as normal as I can about it, too scared he might change his mind and lie, again.

Thirty minutes later he bursts into my room, I would normally hate that and tell him off, but today I'm too curious and my class is soon.

Which reminds me I haven't even checked the notes for the class, also I don't remember anything we talked about last week.

"Try to not knock down the door," I joke in which feels like ages.

"I'll be more careful next time." I sense the sarcasm in his voice and his face changes to his usual, no, new serious face.

He used to be way funnier and easy-going, this year has been hard on him too. Most likely because of Derek, which reminds me again that Dom lied to me.

Because he knew it was all my fault his best friend—which he considers a brother— is in prison and is getting tortured and beaten up. Was, thank God he is out. I'm not a religious person but-

"You need to stop," he spits out without even giving me time to prepare.

Lately, I've been called out more times than almost two years ago, and it's weird considering I don't abuse drugs anymore.