CRACKS IN THE MOLD

Chapter 8

You know that deep breath you take before ripping off the band-aid? I don't.

"Mom, I'm moving out. I already leased an apartment not too far from school. I'll be leaving in a week."

She is speechless for the longest time. In the smallest most broken voice, she asks "why?"

"I can't think of an appropriate response. It's a whole lot of little things but nothing at all. This house is all I've ever known and in a few months I'll have to leave for college. Think of this as baby steps. I'll be a drive away. We'll have dinner together on weekends...."

She hugs me as she answers with tears.
"You can go"
I hold her as she cries. I hate causing her pain but I guess I don't hate it enough because I'm leaving anyway.

I knew telling her will be hard, just not this hard. She was too quick to accept, like she knew she had lost me and is willing to take whatever I give.
Sadly, she is right. She lost me all those years ago, along with her husband.

As I pull out of the driveway heading to school, I succeed to keep my emotions in check for a few minutes.
Suddenly, sorrow hits me like a freight train. I cry as I drive to school. I cry for my mom, her pain, her loss. Mostly I cry for myself, for the shell I've become, for the emptiness of my life. My eyes get so blurry that I loose sight of the road and for a moment I wonder what it'll feel like to get flattened by a truck.
I pull over and cut the engine. Using the car mirror, I dry my eyes and touch up my make-up. By the time I enter the school parking lot I'm a ball of sunshine. I have all my emotions in check but they stay close to the surface.
Hopefully, tomorrow's dance class will help me discharge some of this pain in my chest. I go through the day like I went through breakfast, finishing it without tasting it.

Tuesday started on the same tone but I held it together. I felt like a damp about to burst. Glenn asked to see me after the class. I was slightly panicked at the thought of him noticing someting was up with me. His words calmed me while causing me to panick even more.

"It's about the dance class. There is a staff meeting this afternoon so I won't make it to class."

My emotions clogged my throat. I was looking forward to the class so much. I was concentrating of keeping my eyes dry, I almost didn't hear what he said last.
"Huh?"

"I told Angel you'll assist him with the class. Hope that's okay?"

I could only nod...the relief.

The final bell sounded.

I speed walked to my car, each step fueled with the furnace of my emotions. Luckily I didn't have to drive to my apartment to get a change of clothes since I had the aforethought to bring some along... Glenn's too.
I feel so proud of myself for staying below the speed limit. Moving to the backseat, I quickly exchange the dress I was wearing for a pair of black tights and a snug blue crop top. Forgoing sneakers, I leave with my phone and keys.

Stepping into the studio, I see it in a different light. It truly is perfect.  Thankfully, it's empty.
Though I have a large dance space at home and an even larger one at the apartment, none of them are suited for what I have planned but this is. Why? It has really high ceilings.

Once, when I was not looking, I found that I could calm my emotional turmoil by putting myself on the edge physical. I learned to tricks that were so dangerous, any wrong move will have eternal consequences.
In that moment it is all I think about, not my life, family, failures,..
,none of that.

Forty five minutes to the start of class, meaning I have forty minutes before other students start showing up.
I connect my phone to the speaker's Bluetooth and set it to random.
I was at the center of the room when NF's ' I miss the days ' started playing.

Taking a deep breath, I let it all out. At first, I skirted around safe territories; simple turns, jumps and as the songs changed I went closer to danger. By the fourth song I was at the edge looking down. I was doing tricks I hadn't tried in years, tricks that required safety props. Tears streaming down my cheeks but I could barely feel them because in that moment I felt peace I hadn't felt in a long long time.
As the ended, I moved towards my phone to pause the playback and catch my breath, that's when I saw him...Angel. I don't know how much he saw and I very much don't care... Maybe I care a little...just a little.

Angel POV

Glenn left me in charge of today's class. As the time approaches I feel increasingly tense. This is not the first time he has had to do this. The last time he left me in charge of a class, it didn't go so well. I tried to use that reminder to deter him from puting me in charge but he pointed out that last year I was one of the students. He thinks now that I'm his assistant, the outcome will be different, better. Knowing that he has that much trust in me makes me want to do the best I can and more. I want him to be proud of me.

Whenever I need a confidence boost, I do the one thing that has given me the most confidence...dance. As I pull into the parking lot, my plan is to go in and dance out my anxiety before the students show up. That plan flies out the window once I take in the scene before my eyes.
In my many years of dance I've met only a handful of people who can display this level of emotion in dance. Glenn used to be at the top of that list, until now, until Lexa. Her emotions are so raw they are dripping onto the floor. It's so hard to watch... pain, pain, so much pain, despair, brokenness, regret, resolve. As I watch her, I feel everything and it breaks my heart. I don't even know what she has been through but I'm tempted to go up to her and tell it'll all right. That might as well be a lie because I don't know if it'll be alright, so I stay rooted to my spot.
As the song changes to a faster one, her next move evokes a gasp from me that gets lost to the music. The trick lasts but a few seconds, followed by another, then another. I know as the authority figure I should stop her but I can't move. Plus she might hurt herself if she gets distracted mid-trick.
I keep my eyes on her even after she stopped dancing and moves towards her phone. She raises her head and our eyes lock. Immediately, she goes back to being Lexa from class, guarded. Funny thing is, I never even noticed before today. Without thinking I walk quickly to her. I stand before her, really close but not touching her as I look at her.

Lexa's POV

Looking up at him, I see the questions. Before he has the chance to voice any, I speak.
"I don't want to talk about it"
"Me neither"
He answers in a gentle voice.
"Lexa...can I hug you?"
I hug him instead. We don't let go of each other, just swaying to the timely slow song in the background till it changes. Stepping out of the hug, I stop the music.
In this moment I feel so vulnerable, it's a foreign feeling to me. Trying to rectify the situation, I change the topic.
"Glenn said to assist you today"
"Yeah?"
"He didn't tell you?" I asked, a bit worried.
"He did but the look on your face though" Angel has a small smile on his face as he speaks.
"How is he? I mean in school. Is he strict? It's a bit hard picturing him in a class full of teenagers. Patience is not his strong suit."
"He's an okay teacher. Kind of young, making him a bit of a distraction. I sure hope he gives me an A. What's the deal with you two anyway?"
"We share an apartment...and a car. Maybe not be for much longer, I'm a year away from my degree."
I could see that the thought of moving out was making him sad so I again changed topics.

"So what are we to do today?"
"Routines, duets"
"Great....."
"What?"
"Is it okay if Five takes my place as your assistant?"
He pretends to think about it for a minute before nodding yes.