Finding Forgiveness

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I pick up the mug shakily and take a sip of the steaming hot coffee before blankly staring into it. My head is pounding and I know that I'm clearly dehydrated. I am still barely able to breathe as I watch the world pass me by as I recall the last 24 hours. I feel emotionless, emptiness. I haven't sleep in more than 48 hours. When I've tried to lay down, all that happens is I'm tortured by thoughts of my dad and Steffy. I feel like a hollow shell in the person that I was just days ago. I never thought that I could go from such a high to such a low. I never thought I'd be here.

"Who was it?" I ask in clear anger gritting my teeth, while holding back the tears that have formed in my eyes. My world is shattering right before my eyes and there is nothing I can even do about it. I feel tightness in my chest, my heart pounding, desperate for air as I can barely catch my breath.

How could she do something like this? I don't even understand. This is not my Steffy, she would never do something like this. She would never betray me like this. We've worked so hard to get here, to be together. I can't wrap my head around this. This has to be a dream, and out of body experience. My Steffy, the woman that has completed me has just dumped our entire future and stomped on it. She threw it away for a one-night stand. I can't take even the thought of another man's hands on my wife. I shudder at the mere thought.

I shake my head, "I don't know if we can come back from this," I say inaudible to myself. I want to forgive her. I want to be with her. I love her so desperately, that it even pains me to think about life without her. She is my life, the air that I breath. Everything I am is because of her. But I don't know how I can get by this. I am so angry that she could do this to me, to us. She can't even compare this to what happened between me and Sally.

"I can't," she says her eyes filled with tears. She brings her hands up to her lips and shakes her head. I see all the pain and fear in her eyes. I know how tough this is for her, but I don't care, I NEED to know. If we are to get passed this, I need to know who it is. It is the only way.

I turn to face her, anger still filling my face. I still can't wrap my mind around that we are standing here having this conversation. Everything that I thought I knew, everything I believed and trusted in is gone. She was the one person that I knew I could always rely on, count on, and who would be there for me. I don't understand how we are here? This is not my Steffy that is standing here. I can barely recognize her. I can barely recognize us and who we are together.

"I need to know Steffy," I grit.

She shakes her head, multiple emotions showing on her face. I know that this is probably hurting her as much as it is hurting me, but I don't care. I need the answers.

"No, you don't" she shakes her head in desperation, tears filling her eyes again. "I will be the best wife! I will be the best mother. You will never have to question my devotion to you or to our marriage."

Is she kidding me right? I deserve to know who slept with my wife. Who was with her on that intimate level? It shoots daggers in my heart at the thought of someone else seeing that level of vulnerability on her and having that connection with her. It's tearing me up inside. I feel like vomiting.

I turn towards her filled with rage in my heart. The rage keeps getting deeper and stronger and I am powerless to stop it.

"What kind of marriage is that where I am always wondering who it is that slept with my wife?" I yell at her not taking my eyes off of her.

She pushes her hair behind her ears, shaking her head practically trembling. "I can't"

"Yes, you can," I demand "Tell me, you have to tell me! Tell me right now!" I push throwing my hands towards her.