Megan
Beyonce's been gone for 3 months. 3 months I haven't felt my baby's warmth and presence against my chest. 3 months I haven't heard her voice. 3 months of me receiving weekly letters from her with slight blood splatters and tear stains on them. 3 months I haven't had her making fun of my quirks from the bedside. 3 months I haven't had her compliment my cooking when I try something new.
3 months of Miss Tina and I begging for her to get evaluated for release. They haven't given us a definitive answer for probably just as long.
3 months, no Beyonce.
I feel like I'm in a coma and the world is going on around me. It doesn't feel real without Beyonce. I'm afraid I'm gonna forget one of her traits. What if she's not the same? What if we can barely recognize each other?
What if, what if, what if?
I don't know what to expect from her when she comes home from the hospital. As much as I want her home, what if it's not the same Beyoncé I had in my arms at the amusement park? What if we start from scratch with her being distant again? That's the shit that keeps me up when I can't sleep, thinking about her.
I know she left, seeking help for herself and she'll do nothing but get better from here, but I worry. What if I'm crying over a woman who won't return with the same things about her I fell in love with?
What if I'm not enough for her when she comes back? What if her being gone has changed me irreversibly?
My thought process has only gotten scarier as the days pass. I put myself in these funks that I can't stay out of. Sometimes I swear something is seriously wrong with me.
I wipe my face on my hand towel after getting out of the shower.
To help with missing Beyonce, Julius suggested putting as many pictures or belongings of Beyonce around the home. For a second I stand staring at a picture of Beyonce's face propped up against the mirror. It warms a bit of the gap in my heart, but it also makes it pulse like it's sore.
For the first time in 3 months, I turn it around so I can finish up my morning routine and continue my day. It hurts to see her face, smell her scent, see signs of the fact that she was here, but not have her physically around.
It just hurts. Get me?
I want nothing more than my girlfriend with me. I hope that's not selfish of me to be wanting if she's not mentally ready to be back.
I swear on everything I love, she won't be getting out of my grasp when I get her back. We'll be with each other in Alaska like we talked about and promised.
I lather my body with shea butter lotion while I have my toothbrush in my mouth. After I rub the last bit into my hands, I pull on my pajama pants and a comfy shirt. I sigh hard.
I'm not sure what to do today. It's a weekend, no work needed to do. I woke up at 2pm. I don't know what I would like to have for lunch. I just feel completely lost and frozen.
I move back to the bedroom and sit on my side, and bring my MacBook to my lap. Beyonce's side of the bed has remained untouched. The pillow has a dent in it that looks like she recently took her head off it, the blanket and comforter has her scent on it, and her bonnet is lost somewhere in the sheets. It's the same way she left it the morning she left.
While my laptop powers on, I stare at that spot.
The login screen comes up and I type in my password quickly. I search for YouTube and click on the movie/show I watched recently. I feel absolutely miserable. This is not how I would've pictured my day going months ago. This is not how I want it to be going.
I find it funny how I found Beyonce again after prison only to lose her again for an indefinite time again. Am I being punished for something? What exactly am I supposed to learn? I feel like my love life is cursed.
I feel alone. I feel like I don't have anyone. I haven't heard from my friends since Shawn and Jonathan's deaths were broadcasted nationwide. I don't feel a particular way about that. I'm sure they have their reasons. For now, I'll just pull the "they're just busy" card to fill the anxiety that thought brings me.
All I have are Miss Tina and Solange. I'm grateful for them though, don't get me wrong, but sometimes life gets in the way and they can't aways be here to help me. Tina has a business and Solange has a son to worry about.
At the end of the day, I'm starting to relearn and readjust to the loneliness that comes with life. Especially when life decides to live the fuck out of you.
Yelling from the movie playing on my laptop brings me right back to the present moment and out of my thoughts.
I'm watching Helluva Boss, Bey's favorite show.
I can't bring myself to be sad anymore. As a matter of fact, I am tired of always being sad.
I take a few breaths and watch the show. Right as the topic of Beyoncé moves to the side in my mind I get a slew of frantic texts from Miss Tina on the screen.
___________
I walk up to Miss Tina's office as quick as I can. She said she needed me urgently. I grabbed some business casual clothes, my phone and left the apartment with a quickness.
All she had to say was "Beyoncé", and I'm already at her establishment.
I pass the front desk, the lady in the front, Katherine, already knows me. She gives me a small wave before going back to organize things at the desk.
After going up in the elevator and arriving to the floor where Tina's office is, I finally get to her door.
"Megan, hey! How are you, pumpkin?"
"I'm good, mama T." I say.
"Sit sit. Ion wanna waste no mo time. Lemme tell you about the recent update on Beyoncé right now."
Great, cus I didn't wanna waste more time talking. I wanna know what's up with Beyoncé. I sit down in the chair on the other side of the desk.
"They say she's showing progress and will be eligible for release after a few more tests and screenings. She could be out as early as 2 weeks from now."
I take a giant sigh of relief. I almost break down and cry as a matter of fact. Finally some word on her. Finally some progress after 3 months.
To say I'm ready to feel her again is an understatement. I need to feel her again.
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Thoughts?
I'm gonna start adding author's notes at the end of every chapter.
I am FINALLY re-uploading this after so long!!!
