𝐖𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐬 ↬ ˢᵒᵖᵉ ᵒⁿᵉ⁻ˢʰᵒᵗ

✎

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Maybe the universe just never desired my existence.

Listen dear stars , I tried my best to prove her that my presence was needed on her surface , I truly did.

Whether it was giving back to nature or to humans , she never deemed it enough. Thus , instead of thankfulness and smiles , she only responded with bad luck and annoyed sighs.

I tried to survive the agony by surrounding myself with positivity and laughter but , as time passed , the pain just got too heavy to bear. The overwhelming anxiety that everyone was out to get me and the constant numbness started taking away my will to live day by day.

So , after a while , I was too exhausted to continue fighting.

I had enough of the bad luck and the unwanted tears she , to all appearances , cursed me with.

Surely she viewed it as her amusement and entertainment but it felt to me as if I was tortured just for breathing.

I began wearing a mask as an attempt of hiding my torment. But behind those genuine-looking smiles lied my baggy eyes glancing at the knife placed in between my thighs as the familiar red liquid slowly dribbled down my legs.

There were days I thought it was shame that I did that to myself because of how badly I wanted to heal for my loved ones but you can't stop an addiction on command right ?

However , I won't stand here and lie that she made my life a living hell. Why ? Because that's would just be lying to myself.

I had a decent life , decent enough to survive a few years with my anguish but not decent enough to stay and begin the healing journey.

To be frank , I had many people who cherished me. Many people who loved me whom I obviously loved back.

My only mistake was that they all respected my boundaries when I began distancing myself from them.

Well , with one exception ; Min Yoongi.

Yoongi was there for me , insisting that troubles needed to be let out and not locked away.

And I did eventually tell him about my secret misery.

He understood me , validated my sadness and anxiety to the last day even though he never pushed me to explain everything in detail. He just listened , silently watching over me in my darkest moments.

Truth is , he was the one who kept me alive for this long. And for that , I'm extremely thankful to him.

Min Yoongi tried , he made an effort that I'll eternally remember.

I don't have many regrets but one of them was not telling him about my true feelings for him. He deserved to know , he really did and I'm so mad at myself for leaving with this secret.

Well , I'm writing it here so many I'm not leaving with a secret.

Dear starts , if perhaps , this secret does leave with my soul , please let him know somehow. Send Min Yoongi a sign that Jung Hoseok , his hopefully dearest memory , loves him very much. Send him a message explaining how badly I wanted him to be my one and only. Send him the amount of stars he deserves , the amount of stars that would embody how much he means to me.

But also , tell him how sorry I am , how bad I tried staying for his smile. Tell him that I apologize for failing , for being too weak to honor my true feelings.

But most importantly , let him know that I'm forever grateful for his role in my life.

You truly made me happy Min Yoongi , and I hope I did too.

Goodbye and hope we meet again...

- Jung Hoseok

"Until we meet again... I love you too..."