She Helped Me

ρяσℓσυgє • ∂єαтн

I sat with my hands in my lap while staring at my father who lay sickly in the hospital bed. The beeping of the heart monitor became a constant in my head. Like a drum that keeps playing over and over again. Never stopping. A depressing drum. Doesn't want the fact that it could stop at any given moment to leave your mind. I felt a tear slip down my cheek but I didn't want to show how upset this was making me. I wiped it away with my sleeve and sniffled. He is my best friend. My closest and most loved person in my life. He showed me how to play the violin, he showed me how to draw. He showed me how to cook a bomb ass stake. But besides all those cool things. He taught me manners, passion, love and what family really is. But now that he could be gone at any time, what's the point in family. Friends. Loved ones, when the only person you could open up to will be gone. There isn't even a point to life if he will be gone. He's the only reason I haven't hung myself to be honest. What if's kept running through my head. Making my mind spin. I couldn't even pick out a sentence going through my head because there was to much. That's what the world does. Gives and takes then forces you to stay on this god forsaken place; alone. Without friends. People who love you grow distant. Don't care about you anymore... it's all a fucking mind game. And I'm sick of it. My little sister died last year from cancer and then my father got it not months after. And here we are now. Him 99% dead in a damn hospital with me suffering in a plastic chair beside him. Maybe I wasn't meant to be here. Maybe this is gods way of saying I should have never been born. Maybe he is trying to make me worse so I kill myself. Maybe I should. Everything is a 'maybe'. Never sure of anything. One moment you have some you love in your arms, and the next moment, dead. No one accepted me for me. But my father did. He understands how sad I am all the time and that I can't just look in a mirror and make myself happy. He supports my sexuality when no one else does. He kept me home schooled because my social anxiety is so bad. He comforted me when I have panic attacks at night. As my thoughts kept attacking me from all sides, I heard the heart monitor suddenly start to go way faster than it had been. My head darted up to see my fathers whole body shaking and foam pouring out of his mouth. I screamed and jumped up. "Doctor! Help! Someone-"
Before I finished my sentence, multiple doctors raced into the room, gathering around him. One of them got the shock things and pressed them into his chest. "He's having a grand mall seizure. I don't know if he'll make it," the main doctor said, then shouted, "one, two, three!" The other doctor shocked my father and his back arched inwards. I choked over my tears and ugly cry's were coming out of my scratchy throat. "Please don't go," I whispered while my gaze darted from doctor to doctor then back at my father in pure fear. "Please don't leave me. I need you..."
"One two three!" They shocked him again, causing his whole body to arch. The bed shook. I peered over one of the doctors. My fathers face became much, much more pale then before and the foam had gathered around his lips, dripping down his chin, eyes rolled back so you could only see the whites.
I cried even louder and ran out of the room. I couldn't watch any more. I ran into my mother and she jumped back. "What the fuck is happening Arayna??" She said while surveying my blotchy red face covered in tears. I didnt respond and collapsed against the wall beside me, crying more silent this time, my body shaking. My hair fell around my face and I screwed my red eyes shut, salty water pouring down the sides of my red cheeks.
My mother gasped and jogged into the room. "One two three !" I heard the doctors shout again, then the sound of the bed shaking.
I held my legs to my chest and covered my ears so I wouldn't hear anything. It felt like hours before a large gently hand rested on my shoulder. I sniffled and looked up to see one of the doctors looking down at me. "Hey," he said sadly. "Are you ok?"
I smacked his arm off of me and turned my head away, my lip trembling. "I'm not fucking ok," I mumbled.
"Well, um, you father has passed. If you want to see him one last time before we take him away, you're more than welcome."
My heart broke. My body started shaking harshly and I felt my mind go numb. He's gone. I looked at the doctor. "I would like to see him..." I said hesitantly. Do I want to see him dead?
The doctor gave me a small sad smile and held out his hand. I ignored it and shakily stood up, using the wall for support. I dragged my feet while walking to the room he is in. I took a deep breath and turned into the room. I stood a couple feet from him. That's when it all hit me. He's actually gone. I'll never be able to talk to him again. It's over. My life is over. I'm done.
I covered my mouth with my hands and choked over my ugly sobs and closed my eyes tight, standing on shaky legs in front of my fathers body.
My mother stood beside him, crying loudly.
It started to get really hard to breath. I felt like I was underwater and the pressure was crushing my chest. I clenched my chest and started coughing. I felt my throat closing up and I fell to the floor.
"Arayna!" I heard my mother shout before everything went black.