Stole My Heart

Chapter Seven: Coming Clean

To Emily, who yells at me everyday for not being a more productive writer. 

Warning: Many possible triggering things mentioned in this chapter. Be careful. I love you all. Thanks for reading. Enjoy. x

"Are.... are you- um.." Niall cautioned.

"On medication? Yes," I said with a sniffle. "It usually isn't that bad," I sniffed again, "usually my mom talks me down. This time I- I- I collapsed. Same as the very first one I ever had. But I hadn't collapsed since then. Well, not until Friday."

"You don't talk about it a lot, do you?"

"Never." I answered with an emotionless face.

"Well then what happened? I mean if you don't mind me asking. Why did you collapse?" he asked with an innocent tone in his voice.

"Normal my mum talks me down. Or I had a friend back in London who knew what was going on, she would sit with me and just talk. Never about anything in particular, she just figured if I could talk, then I could breath,"

I said simply. I figured if there was ever a time in my life that I was going to be completely honest, the time was now.

"Oh."

"Yeah," I continued, "No one was there. Not until after it had happened. Mum was so reluctant to let me go out today, but I told her I would be okay because- you. You make it okay."

"Why? I know I've asked that a lot today, but why did you have the panic attack in the first place?"

"I was worrying that I wasn't good enough. For you, mostly. But in general, too."

"Me? That happened because of /me/?" Niall asked with panic in his voice.

"Oh god. No. /Nonononono./ Of course not, Niall," I reassured, "It was all me, I swear."

"Well it must've been-"

"No, Niall," I argued, "It was nothing you did or said, I swear. Do you want to know why I moved here?"

"If I'm honest- I never really thought about it. I thought you just kinda, I dunno, moved here," said Niall.

"Oh, well. It's not," I laughed lightly, and smiled. Even in the worst of times, the /scariest/ of times, I was still able to laugh with Niall by my side. It was incredible, really. "It's only the 16th of December. Two weeks ago, I was in Birmingham. How crazy is that?" I looked at Niall.

"That's pretty crazy, considering what you've made me feel this last week," he said honestly.

"Ha, yeah. It is." I smiled at him. "Anyways, I moved because I got done with treatment. At a- rehabilitation center." I went quite, waiting for his reaction.

"Rehab?" Niall quizzed.

"Yes, rehab." I smiled sadly at him.

"Oh." Niall went silent. I could see it on his face that he was trying to process everything, and make sense of the new information I had just told him. "W-why?"

"Well, uh.. I guess I went a bit mad. I- god. I can't even believe I'm telling you this. You're not going to want me anymore. Everything you've felt will go away. Do you want to know why, Niall?" I asked, keeping my voice surprisingly calm and quiet. He nodded his head, so I continued on with my lecture. "Because I stopped. I stopped eating and loving and laugh and singing. I stopped living. I started hating and obsessing and hurting myself. I spent 4 months in treatment, trying to get better. And I did. I am. Better, that is. But I'm not the same. I had pushed everyone away, and when I came back, I didn't get some grand, warm, gesture home. I wrecked my relationship with my mum and dad, the one I'm trying to make up for everyday. My friends- they all left. They told me I was fucking crazy. That it was all in my head. And it was, in way. I lost myself, Niall. That's why I don't talk about it. When I called you this morning, I promise you I had no intention of telling you all this. But I want you to want me. /Me./ But that's the problem. No one wants the girl with the issues."

I took a deep breath and held it.

I'm not really sure what I expected after that. I'm not even really sure if I remember everything correctly either, but to the best of my recollection, it went something like this:

He looked at me like I really had gone mad. His mouth opened and closed, like he was trying to get the words out, but couldn't. He cocked his head to the side and stared at me, like he was willing the words I had just spoken to be untrue- maybe even unsaid. And then he moved his head back, and shut his mouth again. "Marie, I- I don't know what to say. I would've never have thought that someone like you-"

"Would be such a fuck up?" I added.

"Marie, I- I, No. No, not a fuck up. Don't say that. I want to be here for you. I want to be able to help you and give you what you need but right now, I just.. I need some time. I- I gotta get home. I-" He cut himself off with a quick kiss to my cheek. He put his hands on both sides of my face. He put his forehead to mine, kissed my nose, and whispered, "I'm sorry," before leaving me there- stunned.

I opened up to him. I fucking opened up to him and he just.. left. I couldn't feel, or if I could, all I felt was numb. No emotion; not happy, not sad, not angry, just- numb. I paid for a cup of tea to go, and started walking.

By the time I was done walking, I ended up at a small park near a primary school, my face felt as numb as the rest of me. I hadn't really known where I was going- I just let my feet take me where ever they wanted without any sort of direction whatsoever. I sat down on one of the small swings, empty cup of tea in hand, and stared off into who knows where.

"/How could he just leave?"/, my thoughts started attacking me. They plagued my mind with all things negative. /"I should have known,"/ my brain rambled on. /"I should have fucking known that if I opened up to him, he was going to walk away. Way to fuck up a relationship, Marie."/ But then, we were never together. /You fucked up a relationship you weren't even in! That, that takes talent."/ I stared blankly infront of me, pushing all if the thoughts away until there was nothing. And then- my brain was as numb as my emotions, as numb as my heart, as numb as my face. I was completely desensitized to the world around, like I was floating on air. It was a fragile state, I knew, and with one wrong word, or thought, or touch- it would all come crashing down. I didn't want to cry, but I could feel the internal tank reaching capacity, threatening to spill out. And then, one did.

One tear turned into ten, and before I knew it, I was flat out sobbing in the middle of the park. All I felt was a giant weight sitting inside my body, like an anchor, dragging me down. I felt like my soul was drowning and my mind was on the verge of exploding. I couldn't think anything other than the word /NiallNiallNiall/ over and over again. I hadn't even told him everything, though it had of course been implied. I knew it was a lot to take in, but he just left me there. He left. I should have fucking known. I should have known it was too good to be true? A boy, like me? How dumb was I? I was, or rather are, a mess. Boys want pretty girls with pretty petite figures and long hair and long eyelashes and clear skin and not a flaw in sight. And if it wasn't, why couldn't someone love me?

I knew I was being ridiculous, so I wiped the incredulous tears from my face, stood up and fixed my clothes, and got ready to make my way home. I had barely been able to convince my mum to let me go out today at all, if I came home crying, she'd never let me see him again.

It was only about 3 in the afternoon by the time I got home. I manage to calmly lie to my mum about what happened with Niall, and when I got home, all I did was sleep. I didn't want to think about anything. I just wanted to slip into my dreams and away from the real world, where I had real problems, and no real solutions.