Earphones plugged into my ears. Waves of home hitting onto my sensitive nerves. Music. My Home. It's been one week now since Namjoon and me started dating. At first I was happy. I don't think I have ever been that high on happiness. But with every day it hurts more. Every second it takes over a bit more. Namjoon has no idea what he did to himself. Simply by falling in Love with me? Yes. He is too good. He won't understand how broken I am. There is nothing to fix. So I hide it. And it grows more and more. My inner depression. It is eating me alive. The need of attention and love but the fear of showing weakness. Once someone told me "Crying infront of humans, is like bleeding infront of hungry wolves". They will use it. They say they will be there and try to comfort you. But behind your back those beautiful words and gentle touches turn into a sharp weapon. Sliding into your back from behind the corner, till it reaches your heart. Ripping it apart in one smooth go. As you fall apart, they take everything they needed. Fulfilled of satisfaction.
And with every step I go I'm just more exhausted. The thought of dead battling against my Love for Namjoon. I didn't saw him since 3 days. My social battery is not able to bear the love he needs from me. It's to much. To much pressure. Fear. I'm terrified of this.
What am I doing now? Well what a moment. I'm on my way to him. I cant resist the desire of Love. Of his Love.
I cant return what he gives me. It's tearing me apart. Nowadays mental health problems are normal, but they are worse Darling. They are so much worse. There is no cream. No secret. Only pills and yourself. A white room and white jackets that make it impossible to move. People who are like you and no sharp things. It makes it all even worse. They put you there. So they don't have to take any damn responsibility. But you as a person? You don't give a shit. All you want is the light to fade. Your eyes to close. Your soul leaving your lifeless and cold body behind. Burning in hell, so it will never return to life again. You want your own death. Destroy your body. Make your blood drop. And all you get are people who say they help you, but make it worse. Don't put them away. Show them life. A cure for depression is hard to find.
But mine? I need just him.
My hands shivered as I looked at myself one more time...
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... before I opened the door. The security eyeing me up and down. Still guiding me to the elevator. I tipped the right bottom. A few minutes later, I was at the doorway. Closing the door behind me.
I went directly to the stairs. Calling out Namjoons name as I opened his door with the key I had.
"Namjoon?"
No reaction. Not one single noise. I walked down the hallway. Keeping on my shoes as I panicked. A deja vu passing my mind. I suddenly got scared that something happened. This feeling felt horrible. I started running. Swinging open the door to his main room. His bed was empty. I touched the sheets. They were still warm and messy. My eyebrows joined in confusion. I slowly made my way to the bathroom, as I heard a low tone or water. I opened the door and sighed in relief. Namjoon had a Towel around his private area, shaving his face infront of the mirror. He turned around as she spotted me.
I instantly hugged him. He was confused as fuck. Patting my back with one hand. I slowly broke the hug. Realizing that he was half naked. You gotta know that all we did was kiss and cuddle. And I have never seen him half naked till now. I gulped down the amount of saliva that build up through all this. Licking my dry lips.
"I- I'm sorry. I didn't meant to peek on you or something. I just got so worried and searched everywhere for you and-"
He cut me off by taking both my hands. Placing them on his bare chest. I instantly shut my mouth. He slowly maked them move down to his abs.
Namjoon:"This and further down. Or further up. Is all yours. And you should keep that in mind. I don't mind you seeing me exposed. You are the only one who is allowed to see and touch it. Don't you ever forget this. And I'm fine, don't worry."
He said as he gave me a kiss on my forehead. He turned around and continued to shave his face. I sat on the closed toilet, while looking at him. Thinking about the words he just spilled. My eyes went to his broad shoulders and huge arms. Abs visible in the reflection of the mirror.
"You know I am yours aswell. Ehm... like you can see it all too."
He giggled, as he turned slowly around.
Namjoon:"I know. I just want you to start when you want to."
I nodded. I knew he was ready. But I wasn't. Not completely atleast.
I slowly backed off and smiled.
"Now get ready, imma wait outside."
I said as I winked at him, leaving the bathroom.
A smile formed on my lips, as I sat at the edge of the bed and removed my shoes, which usally takes a while. My thoughts drifted once again to him.
His smell all over, as I looked around his room. I missed him alot.
I laid down on his bed, my face into his pillow, as I took a big breathe. My tensed muscles relaxed as his scent went in every part of my senses. I saw happiness infront of me, as he walked out of the bathroom.
The sun showing off his honey glowing skin. He was so gorgeous.
"I love you..."
I said out loud, as he smiled even wider. He slowly took his steps towards me, putting on a shirt, that he was holding.
Namjoon:"I love you too."
In one go I stood up, slowly resting my hands on his cheeks. I went closer, as he took my waist. I gasped. His hands are way to cold.
"Namjoon omo!"
I released myself from his Grip and went to his drawer, taking out his favorite hoodie.
"Wear it! Your hands are literally ice!"
He rolled with his eyes but still put it on. I lifted the hoodie a bit up and grabbed his pants to put them a bit more up, leaving the hoodie at the lowest that was possible.
He just looked at me. I took his hand and walked to the bed. Throwing myself on it- with him. I laughed, laying onto him. I put the sheets above us and looked up at him.
"I gotta warm you up! My little freezer."
I booped his nose and smiled. He just looked at me. I closed my eyes. Snuggling onto him.
