With You (Namjoon ff)

Chapter 52

Hurt. You were deeply hurt. This was not the Namjoon you knew. But then again you question yourself if you did really know him. He said he did it all because Jiho told him to, because it would help him take the burden of the guilt off him. Were you the person who got it all wrong? Were you the person who misunderstood his actions for genuine care?

After years of effort you finally opened up to people. You finally trusted someone enough to take this risky step of falling in love with someone. But all you received is pure indifference. It was just the same. Every person you hated till now for misunderstanding you flashed through your mind. Your father who always mocked you for not trying to fight whenever you struggled with your anxiety, your friends who only cared about themselves and labeled you as the weirdo for not succumbing to their needs, your mother who thought all of your problems would be solved if only you were a bit social and tried to leave your room, your sister who claimed that she had it worse than you and that you were just selfish because you talked about your problems all the time and now Namjoon who claimed that you loved Jiho and were just trying to use him as a rebound.

You had given up explaining yourself to people and after you came to Korea you didn't need to do so anymore because no one knew you. You thought this time would be different but life proved you wrong again. Was it safe to assume that people will always hurt you in some way after these many hurtful experiences all through your life and avoid them or should you keep getting hurt because life is pain? You always thought practically so you didn't understand why someone would choose getting hurt over and over again. Yes you were hurt over and over again and the pain was too much. That's why you built walls to protect yourself. But you let your walls down only to be ...hurt again.

To you nothing was more valuable that genuineness. You wanted people to be true to you and not hide their emotions. If they hated you, you didn't want them to cover it with sugar and hide it. But that's what you always got, the opposite. People would try to mask their emotions so that they won't hurt you but the pain you feel when you realize that they never meant what they said was far worse.

Your head was hurting from all these thoughts. Your chest started hurting and your breathing started to become uneven. You clutched you chest as you squirmed on the bed trying to breathe properly. It was a panic attack. You had anxiety disorder from the age of 16 and panic attacks were a common occurrence since then. Though sometimes it would get out of hand and you needed help, most of the time you managed it alone. You started thinking how Namjoon was always there for you. You wanted to be in his arms so badly right now. His calming scent and his comforting words and actions and his safe embrace was all you needed right now. But how could you go to him when he was the reason you were this way?

What did you let your walls down for? You trusted Jiho and Namjoon. But did they trust you back? NO! Jiho didn't trust you neither did Namjoon. Jiho left and didn't even bother telling you where he was going because he didn't trust you enough to believe that you could take care of yourself. You were not a kid anymore. Namjoon didn't trust you when you said you loved him and not Jiho. Why did they assume they knew you better that you knew yourself?

Your tears couldn't stop falling. A crybaby, that's what you were. Your mind started to cloud with thoughts that wanted to eat you up. "Jiho left because he was tired of you". "Namjoon just used an excuse because he didn't want to date you". "Who would want to date you?". " You were rejected because you are ugly." " People don't get close to you because you are clingy." "No one loves you"

"No one loves you". "You are unlovable."

Y/N: STOP!

You shouted at your thoughts in your room as the sound of your loud voice echoed through your empty apartment.

Y/N: STOP! Stop please! Plea-Please stop...!

More tears started flooding out of your eyes. You went to the mirror and looked at yourself. Your cheeks were stained with dried tears as more kept coming. Your hair got a bit messy. Well wearing waterproof mascara did help. You stared at the mirror as the thoughts in your head did not go away. You were tired now and you just wanted to sleep. So you took your anxiety pills and went to sleep without even caring about your clothes, hair or makeup.