Can you see me yet

part three

--- January

How many hours has it been? I don't even want to know what time it is anymore. How many times has the word 'why' been repeated in my head?

I'm so tired. My mind and body are overworked. I can't think straight anymore. Well- no, that's a lie. I have enough stability left in me to point out every shitty thing in my life.

So much to say... So much hatred built up inside of me... And all I can do is sit in bed, complaining to myself, over and over again.

How weak.

God, what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I have to be such a coward?

I know why. It's funny at this point, honestly. Not only are my feelings pretty much irrelevant to everyone else's concerns, but everybody feels safe to assume there's nothing I can't handle.

But when does that end? When will the façade I show to everyone just begin to crumble? How much more can I take before I ruin myself enough for everyone to see?

No- I need to stop. This doesn't help anything, besides sleep deprivation. Maybe that'll help with falling asleep tomorrow. Whatever, there's no point in pretending I can actually fall asleep tonight. I need to find enough strength to move myself out of bed.

Just a few steps. Just enough to sit myself down into my desk chair. I'll think about what I'm going to do in the morning, later. For now, I need no more than to distract myself from my own mind.

Concentrate, concentrate, concentrate.

My head is pounding. My legs feel like they're going to give out. My eyes feel strained. That's all I'm able to concentrate on.

I lost count of the time it took to maneuver enough energy to hoist my upper body off my mattress. As I sat on the edge of my bed, hands on my knees, head hovering over my thighs, my body suddenly felt ten times heavier. I think if I get up too fast I'm going to end up on the floor.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Why'd I want to get up in the first place? Going back now would be pointless, I guess.

Stop acting so damn helpless. It shouldn't be this difficult to take a few steps. It's clear why everyone only sees you as a crybaby. You did this to yourself.

And with that, I began to shift all of my weight onto my feet. My legs had been triggered into moving on their own. And all it took was letting myself know how worthless I am, again. Seems like that's genuinely all I'm good for.

I subconsciously pulled out my desk chair and sat down, just like I've done a hundred times before.

My room was lit by only a sliver of moonlight illuminating through a peak of my almost closed curtains and the red glow of the numbers on my clock- which I've still ignored.

I extended my right arm and blindly grabbed the closest stack of papers I could find. I don't even care what it is anymore.

My arm stretched out once more, this time flicking on the desk lamp in front of me.

Hopefully this will last me a few more hours.

__

Damn, it feels like the headache I had earlier was taken for granted. My skull now felt as if it was going to burst.

The fact that I have to use up every last ounce of stamina to keep up a vitality act in front of my classmates doesn't help my headache either.

"Hey Izuku-kun! Come here for a sec." A familiar voice called out from behind me.