Fangs and Wands

Epilogue

Dear Diary

I don't even know why I'm writing. It's been too long. I've forgotten how much peace you used to give me when I first got here.

Turns out I can get peace from more means than just saying things out. Like going to the small library, the woods, the kitchen or painting. But I've been asking myself, why can't peace just be present in my life without looking for it. Why can't I just stay here in my room and feel at peace because I'm alive? Why can't I be like Lizzie who finds humor in almost everything and is always surrounded by rainbows and glitter.

I too believe I'm capable of being happy. But I'm just afraid of the things that bring me that happiness.

Like my father.

Harold is capable of loving, but too scared to show it. Scared the world will think him weak, or scared everyone might use his love for me against him. I do not blame him. Because don't I just feel the same way? I was afraid of loving him because I thought it would be betraying my adoptive father. Or he wouldn't love me back. Or he would use this love against me.

Now I've chosen to graciously accept what I can when I can. I've chosen to take what I can before it's too late. The little smile he gives me as a way of greeting, or the small nod as a form of appreciating what I've done, telling me he's proud.

These emotions are weird, but you don't need a specialist to tell you how you feel, you know when you know.  And I know I'd rather have this time with my father before we lose it for good. He doesn't know we are about to lose each other when we've just found each other, he doesn't have to. For a man who seems to know anything and everything about this world, he is pretty blind when it comes to my affairs.

Like how he still thinks Dominic fed on me to save himself. He doesn't need to know the truth though, nobody does. It's better this way.

Emily might be aware, it's very hard to keep things from her. But as the school "mother" and most likely my therapist, it might be better if she is aware of most things happening to me.

I asked her if I were to survive this time if I caught the virus that almost killed me when I first came here. She told me my chances of surviving were zero to none and I should try by any means necessary to keep away from it. There would be no way to save me since I was already dead. I said nothing.

I've been saying nothing a lot lately. That's what everyone is saying. They say there's a change in me. Is this a good thing? Did sleeping with Dominic change me?

Dominic.

Diary, you might have noticed that I'm avoiding him very much right now. But the truth is I don't know what to say.

I've been avoiding him... a lot. He's been stalking me. Alot.

Like last night. He spent the whole of last night stationed outside my door. Not trying to get in or anything.  Just standing there, brooding, being Dominic.

I don't know about me but I know he has grown quiet after our...uhm encounter. I nolonger hear his voice in my head, nor do I feel him trying to read my thoughts. I could have said he was trying to avoid me too if he wasn't almost everywhere I turned. Always a safe distance away, always watching. Always close.

It's like I gave him some love portion. But that's just funny. Dominic and love in the same line is just plain hilarious.  It's absurd.

But hey, it feels good to find something funny in this grey situation. I haven't smiled in such a long time I have forgotten how to. Cat has noticed and it worries her.

Maybe Dominic has noticed too. Maybe that's why whenever his eyes meet mine from a distance, he always looks like something is tormenting him. Maybe that's why he is always there wherever I may be. Maybe he is trying to find what it is that is bothering me.

Why would he care though. Maybe his reasons are totally different. I don't know why he is stalking me, but I know why I'm avoiding him.

I won't have him blaming himself for something he didn't do. And I'm hundred percent certain he will. He might hate himself and go. And we might never see him again. I know Dominic, he won't take this lightly.

The way I care about him astounds me. And the way I feel he cares for me is surprising. It's all very new to me and strange. I don't think I can ever get used to this feeling.

But then I won't have time to get used to them. These web-like lines in my tummy made sure of that.

Looking at my reflection in the full length mirror right now, I can tell it's only a matter of a few hours before this infection reaches my heart. I haven't been wearing anything but my bra because I've been going nowhere lately. Not the woods, not the library, not the kitchen and not the common room.

It's not supposed to hurt. But boy does it hurt. Like a bitch. Like a million sharks are gnawing at me from the inside. Rapidly. I don't think there's any going back from this, Emily said there wasn't. And I'd do anything not to see that look of loss on my father's face.

Maybe its high time I meet my mother. I'm smiling right now, oh diary
It looks strained and fake in the mirror but it's still a smile.

All I've been doing since I got here is cheat death. Gambling with mortality. But the truth is death is inevitable. Even Bladnar had to die after 890 years of living. My mother, the greatest and most respected goddess of all died after 600 years of peaceful living.

Death is inevitable. And I can't run from it anymore. It's time time I accepted the truth. Sooner or later my death will come. Why not now.

A reflection that is not mine moves in the mirror and I'm not surprised at all to see the dragon in vampire form standing in my open doorway. His expression is just what I imagined it would be.

Terrifyingly blank.

Flicking my wrist, I shut the door in his face.