Unexpected

18

               The hike was exactly what I needed and as was quickly becoming a trend Josh knew what I needed better than I did half the time. From the marker at the start of the trail, it was an 8.9 mile hike for hikers, joggers, bikers, and horses alike. The heart of the trail wound its way around the Clinton River and from the two miles we'd already covered it was gorgeous.

               The hike which was more of a long, flat walk had beautiful green trees on either side of a crushed limestone pathway. At first when we'd entered the forest I was worried I'd have another panic attack, but with every step we took leading us further away from the safety of Josh's car I began to feel more and more confident that I wouldn't have one. I wasn't sure whether it was solely being in Josh's comforting presence or if I was getting better albeit however slowly that might be.

               I looked over at Josh, finally able to tear my gaze away from the beautiful scenery I'd been staring at for the past hour, expecting to see him looking at the trees like I was but instead found his gaze firmly locked on me. I felt a blush rise on my cheeks and I had to bite back a giddy smile.

               "See? You love it," Josh remarked cockily.

               "Maybe I was just looking for a way to tell you how much I hated it," At Josh's disbelieving laugh I couldn't help but add "And how much I wanted to be in school right now."

               "Lying doesn't look good on you Katie B."

               "Everything looks good on me," I said boldly and I let out a genuine belly laugh when Josh opened and closed his mouth several times before settling on silence. "Have you done this loop a lot?" I asked, gesturing around us.

               "Yeah, my mom, brother and I like to do it on weekends sometimes when she's off."

               "Are you and your brother close?" I asked, echoing Josh's question from a few hours earlier.

               "Pretty close, maybe not as much as you and your sister but we definitely like hanging out." Josh said and I nodded, trying to picture what Josh's family would be like. I couldn't picture them as being anything less than kind, nice people if Josh's temperament was anything to go by.

               I felt another pang in my chest, my mind just now realizing that was another thing I would never have. I wouldn't get to meet Josh's family, see where he got his puppy-dog eyes from or the crooked smile. No, as much as I enjoyed this friendship we'd managed to build in the wake of our failed relationship I knew it had boundaries. Boundaries like not meeting each other's families or becoming acquainted with each other's friends. It made me wonder how long we could continue our friendship when it was so different from all the other ones I had in my life. All I knew was that I didn't think I could stomach living in a world where there was a Josh shaped hole missing from it.

               There was something about nature that always put me in a really pensive mood and walking the trail today was no different. I couldn't help but feel a little angry towards Josh knowing he wanted the best for me and hadn't wanted to rob me of any of the typical high school experiences that I would lose dating him who was two years older. The thing he probably didn't understand was that now that I'd experienced those damn butterflies, overwhelming feelings and sweet kisses from him I didn't look at anyone the same way.

               Maybe before if some guy in math class had cracked a funny joke or someone at Church had been especially kind I would've become enamored or at the very least a little bit interested. That wasn't the case now though, each and every guy who tried to gain my interest would have to compete unknowingly against a guy I found myself half in love with after knowing him only a couple weeks. It didn't seem fair that Josh seemed to be having more success in moving on, not only going on one date but planning on going on others with Denise.