Begin Again

10

    We drove around the city for a few hours. I took Leo past important buildings and some celebrity houses like I was his own personal Hollywood Bus Tour. Then we had to make the obligatory stop at In N Out and grab some burgers and milkshakes for dinner.
    When we get back to my apartment, Riz is waiting at my door. "I'm sorry, I need your help," she says.
I unlock the door and let everyone in. "Should've called, I would've gotten you dinner," I tell her, dropping the bag on the coffee table.
    "I didn't mean to intrude," Riz says, apologetically. "I just need a few minutes of your time."
    "I told Leo," I admit. "I didn't mean to but we ran into Nadia in Hollywood and you know how I am with stuff like that. It was all over my face and I had to explain it to him."
    Riz runs her hands over her face. "That's fine, I always appreciate a male perspective."
    I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or not but I can't go back in time. I just hope she keeps my escapades with Stefan out of it.
    I sit down on the couch next to Leo and start taking the food out of the bags. "Have you talked to her?"
    Riz sits down on the floor on the other side of the table. Leo takes his food and quietly starts eating.
    Riz shakes her head. "I texted her and told her I wasn't feeling great and she pretty much left me alone all day. It's just, every time I think about how I should say what happened, it never seems right."
    I look at her blankly. "Is there a right way to tell someone you cheated on them?"
    Riz visibly recoils. "Jesus, Cass. You don't have to say it like that."
    "Riz, I love you but there's no other way to say it. What you need to think about is what it means to you. Did you kiss Lindsey because you wanted to kiss her or just because you were drunk?" I unwrap my burger and take a big bite.
    Riz laughs once. "Do you think that's going to make a difference to Nadia?"
    Leo sits up and raises his hand slightly. "May I?" He asks, looking at Riz.
    She nods.
    "I think what Caz is getting at is if you kissed the other girl because you like her, then you need to address that within yourself and decide what that means for your relationship with Nadia."
    Riz smiles a little bit. "You're perfect for her," she says quickly and I'm about to throw food at her before she continues. "I admit it, I do like Lindsey. We have this weird, fiery chemistry. She's sexy and mean but I can feel the toxicity."
    "So, you don't want to date her but you want to keep fucking her?" Leo asks.
    I've never heard him say that. I'm entirely too close to him to be feeling what I'm feeling. I force myself to keep eating.
    "Theoretically, yes," Riz says.
    "Is that something you think you can discuss with Nadia?"
    I almost choke.
    "Like an open relationship?" She asks.
    Leo nods. "That's not too bizarre of a thing these days. But you also can't force it on someone. If she says she's not into it then you have to respect that."
    Is that something Leo is into? I've never been in that kind of a situation but I don't exactly know how I would feel if I was. I wouldn't judge them if Riz and Nadia agreed on an open relationship.
    "I guess I could approach it that way. I really like Nadia and I'd love to keep seeing her but there's something about Linds I can't get off my mind," she says, her eyes twinkle at the end.
    "Go for it," I say, trying to sound supportive. "If you're doing it today though, give us a heads up so we can find another club to go to."
    "Shit, right. I can't do it tonight then, I don't want to throw her off before a performance. Let's just go to the club, have fun and I'll talk to her tomorrow."
    She says it so simply, what could possibly go wrong.

    "Stefan's here."
    "What?"
    We've been in the club for ten minutes. I don't even have a drink in my hand yet and I'm already ready to go. Riz just found me again after going to talk to Nadia.
    "Nadia said she ran into him and he asked to be put on the list and you know she's such a sweet Angel that of course she said yes," Riz rattles on even though I can barely hear her over the music.
    I'm reminded yet again how small this city actually feels.
    "It's fine, no big deal. He's just my friend," I say, trying to convince myself.
    Leo appears with three glasses. He offered to go up to the bar for us. I still can't get over how good he looks. He came out of my bathroom earlier with tight black jeans and a white shirt on. So plain yet so perfect.
    "Thank you," I mouth to him, not wanting to waste my voice.
    He nods and winks. I melt.
    Suddenly the music gets louder, if that's even possible, and smoke starts billowing out from the front of the room. A guy appears behind the DJ table with headphones on and I assume that's the guy these people are here to see. The lights change and four girls appear on the table, one of them is Nadia.
Riz and I scream and cheer for her, louder than anyone yelled for Mr DJ. Nadia can't see us but we can see her smile.
    Riz and I start dancing like fools, the way we always do and I almost forget that Leo is here. I tone down my moves a little bit but glance over every now and then to see Leo bobbing his head or pumping his fist in the air.
    After a while I get tired of being jostled by people I don't know. I can't even enjoy the little moments when Leo touches me because I can't be sure that it was actually him.
    I make a hand motion that hopefully says "I'm going to the bar" at Riz and then at Leo. He points to himself and then to me with a silent question. I nod.
Leo follows me through the crowd and this time I know it's his hand on my back. I think about weaving in and out of the crowd in directions I don't need to go just so he'll keep touching me. We eventually make it out the other side to the now almost deserted bar.
    "Let me," Leo says, flagging down the bartender.
He orders me another drink and gets a shot of whiskey for himself. "Alright, old man," I tease.
    "Hey, I'm only a year older than you," he says.
    "And I'm getting old so you're still older."
    "26 is not old," Leo says, scolding me.
    "It's one year closer to 30," I say before I realize what I'm saying. There's no way he remembers that dumb pact we made almost ten years ago.
    Leo smiles. "And we all know what happens at 30."
    I can't tell what he's talking about but I'm not ready to bring up marriage right now. "Yeah, wrinkles and a bad back," I joke.
    Leo shakes his head and laughs. "Exactly," he says.
    I'm about to suggest going back to the dance floor when I spot a Grecian god coming toward me. It's Stefan. I think about running away and pretending I didn't see him but it's too late, he's seen me.
    "Cassie," he says once he's close enough, reaching for my hand. He pulls me in and kisses both of my cheeks. "I thought you might be here."
    "I didn't know you'd be," I say, trying to sound casual.
    Stefan leans in to me again. "Is he bothering you?" He whispers in my ear and subtly nods toward Leo.
    "No," I yell, too loud even for the sound of the music. "No, this is my friend from home, Leo. Leo, this is my...friend from here, Stefan."
    It feels so awkward and weird. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to introduce the two of them. Of course I'm not ashamed of my relationship with Stef but it's still weird. And I want to kick myself for calling Leo my friend, even though that's what he is.
    They shake hands like guys do and pretend to care. Within seconds, Stefan leans back into me.
    "Let me dance with you," he purrs. "This guy has no rhythm, I can tell. Let me move you."
    Something about Stefan's voice that always gets me going. Standing here with the two of them, I'm starting to understand the want for an open relationship. Or the appeal of a threesome.
    I take a drink to cool myself down. I should step outside or go to the bathroom but a really good song comes on and it's hard to resist.
    Leo finishes his drink and sets the empty glass on the bar. "I'm going to the bathroom. I'll find you later," he says, before tapping my arm and disappearing into the crowd.
    I don't know if he heard Stefan or could just read my body language but my mind is made up for me.
    I give Stefan my hand and let him lead me into the crowd. I take a sip from my glass, the extra added alcohol taming my negative thoughts. I press myself into Stefan and feel his arms wrap around me. We're so in sync with each other by now, we know exactly how to move and where to touch even in non sexual situations.
    Stefan turns me to face him and we press our foreheads together. I feel his hands on my hips, moving them the way he wants and I hang my arms over his shoulders. I know he wants to kiss me, I can see it in his eyes but something stops me.
    I look to the left and see Leo standing in the crowd, far away. He's watching me intently, his eyes fierce and blinking slow. I can't tell if he likes what he sees but I like the way he's watching me.
    I look away from Leo and pretend I didn't see him. I keep dancing with Stefan until my feet hurt and my glass is empty. Stefan keeps kissing my face, my neck, my shoulders but I never let him get to my lips.
    At some point, Riz comes over and brings me out of the trance I was in. "She's done, we can go now."
    I nod and start to pull away from Stef but he holds onto me. "Cassie can stay with me," he tells Riz. "I'll bring her home."
    I shake my head and try to push off of Stefan but he holds tight. "Thanks but I'm ready to go," I say, loud enough that I know he heard me.
    I look back to where I last saw Leo but he's not there. I look back at Stefan and notice him looking over my head.
    "I've got her," Leo says, sounding friendly but firm.
    That's all it takes for Stefan to let go of me. I reach out for Riz but stumble and grab onto Leo. I didn't think I was that tipsy but I must be. Leo supports me around my waist and we follow Riz as she walks toward the door.
    "I'll see you soon," I hear Stefan call after me.
    Why did that sound like a threat?
    Outside in the fresh air, I already feel less drunk. Riz, Leo and I took a Lyft here together but Nadia asked Riz to go to a party with her and some of the other dancers so she's ordering a car for us.
    We all stand on the sidewalk silently until a blue Ford Focus pulls up. "That's you," Riz says, walking to it and opening the door. She hugs me and thanks me and then hugs Leo.
    "Call if things go bad," I tell her. "Whenever you decide to tell her."
    Riz nods and blows me a kiss. I catch it and get in the car, feeling Leo slide in next to me.
    As soon as the car starts moving Leo says, "Who was that guy?"
    "Stefan?" I ask, as if I don't know. "He's a friend I met at work."
    "He doesn't seem like just a friend," he says, plainly.
    I pull my eyebrows together. "What do you mean?"
    He shrugs. "Just seems like you have a history."
    I almost tell him the truth but I can't get it out. "What kind of history?"
    "Sexual, Caz. If you haven't before then I can confidently say he wants to fuck you." He looks straight ahead and says the words as if they taste bad.
    His tone irritates me. "So what if he does?"
    Leo shrugs again. "It's just weird seeing you like that. I've never seen you act like that before."
    "Is that why you were staring?" I ask. The alcohol in my brain must have completely destroyed my filter.
    Leo looks at me for the first time since we got in the car. "No," he says, low and stern.
    If this were a movie, this would be the part where he grabs me and kisses me passionately. But it's not, so he doesn't. He just looks straight ahead again and we don't speak for the rest of the car ride.