Begin Again

11

When we finally got back to my apartment last night after the longest, quietest ride ever, I offered to help Leo put the pull out bed together. He told me he could do it and that I should just go to bed.
So I did. I don't know, it felt like he didn't want me around so instead of making things worse, I just left, got in bed and pretended to sleep. All I could think about was the fact that Leo was on the other side of the wall.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because I woke up ten minutes ago and drug myself to the bathroom. I don't know if Leo is awake but I'm just pretending like it's any regular day. I undress and start the shower. The warm water is relaxing but the memories from last night are not.
I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body. I'm just going to sprint from here back to my bedroom to put clothes on. I open the door and the smell of food hits me in the face.
I tiptoe down the hall and peek into the kitchen. Leo is standing in front of the stove cooking eggs and bacon in just his underwear. The chest hair I was curious about before is prominent across his chest and down the center of his stomach.
"Now who's staring?" Leo asks, startling me. I didn't even know he knew I was here. "Good morning, Caz."
"Morning," I squeak out before running back down the hallway. "I'll be right back, smells great."
I get to my room and close the door. I take a few deep breaths and try to forget how good Leo looked. The sight of him really woke me up and I need to calm down.
I throw my towel on the ground and scramble to get dressed. I throw on a striped, cotton dress and twist my wet hair into a bun. I look at myself one last time in the mirror before going out to the kitchen.
Leo has put a shirt on and the amount of disappointment I feel is alarming. There's a mug of coffee waiting at the end of the counter and plates full of scrambled eggs and bacon.
"You didn't have to do this," I say, taking the mug and a plate and sitting on the couch.
"It's nothing," Leo says, joining me. "It's the least I can do."
We eat quietly but it doesn't feel awkward. Silence has always been part of our friendship. We could sit in the same room for hours without talking and still feel content.
"So," I say, deciding to break the silence, "what do you want to do today?"
"You're the one with the list," Leo says, smiling slightly.
"Right," I say, mentally running down the list I made in my head. "Feel like a hike?"
I could use a good sweat to flush last night's toxins out of my body.
Leo shrugs. "Fine by me."
We clean up breakfast and I slink back to my room to get changed. I put on black biker shorts, a bright green sports bra and a practically-see-through white t-shirt. I head back to the living room to find my sneakers buried in the basket by the front door. I can't remember the last time I wore them.
Leo isn't out here and judging by the closed bathroom door, it's easy to find where he is. I grab a couple water bottles from the fridge while I wait for him. A few seconds later I hear the door open and Leo walks into the room in black gym shorts and a black tank top with the arms holes cut too big. From this angle, I can see his belly button. There's really no need for the shirt.
"Ready?" He asks, surprising me further by putting a black baseball hat on his head. I don't think I've ever seen him wear a hat.
"Ready," I say, pulling myself together and forcing my feet to leave the apartment.
I decide to take us to Runyon Canyon. It's not particularly easy but it has the best view of the city. Riz and I did it once when we first became friends. It was a struggle but worth it.
As we drive, Leo flips through my music library and stops on a song I wish I didn't still have.

Before
I hear the sounds of guitar strings come through the speakers of my phone. Leo told me to guess what song it was but I literally have no idea. It just sounds distorted and bad.
"Do you know it yet?" Leo asks, pausing his playing.
"Who sings it? Maybe if you sing it'll help," I say, which is true but I also just want to hear him sing.
He sighs. "I can't sing and play at the same time yet. Just listen," he says before starting to play again.
Leo just taught himself how to play the guitar a few weeks ago. He's played for me a few times in person and he's not half bad. But the sound of it through a tiny phone makes it almost unbearable.
I take it off of speaker phone and hold it close to my ear, hoping that helps. I can make out a sort of rhythm and my brain inserts the melody. I wait until he stops again rather than cutting him off.
"Now?" He asks a few seconds later.
"It's Dashboard Confessional," I say.
"See, I'm not that bad," he says as a guitar string twangs in the background.
"That's actually pretty good. I want to hear it in person though, it sounds weird through the phone."
"I'm going to play it at our wedding," Leo says, his voice unchanging.
"What?" I choke out.
"It's a romantic song," he says, as if it's obvious. "Wouldn't that be cool if I played a song for you at our wedding? That's like next level cheesy shit."
I take two seconds to get myself together. "Oh, so you just want to look good."
"I mean, yeah but I can also learn another song that means more to you. I won't tell you I know that one though, I'll just surprise you on the big day."
That's enough to paint an unwanted picture in my mind. Me, wearing a white dress, surrounded by my friends and family while Leo's up on a makeshift stage, outlined in lights as he plays my favorite song on guitar. He's learned how to sing and play at the same time and his voice travels out around me and of course I cry. Love swells inside me and I'm so glad I waited for him. I'm so happy I married him.
"You just better hope no other girl wins me over first. Then she'll get the song," he says, tearing away my vision of the future.
It's just a deal we made. It's just our last resort. He doesn't want to marry me and sing to me at our wedding. He just agreed he would if we both don't have another option.
For a second, it was real for me. I should've known it never would be for him.