Darling, I'll Treasure Every Tear [Christian Coma]

Chapter 5 - No Thoughts Of Yesterday

I took a deep breath of the cool night air, letting the chilling substance linger in my chest as if it would purify my mind and give me some answers as to how I was meant to bring up this child alone. I should've known that it would never be that easy. 

This was suddenly a challenge. One that I wasn't going to give up on. 

One thing was for sure though. I had to take her with me. That's why I signed the papers, confirming me as her biological father. That's why I had her standing beside me in the dark and cold parking lot, clenching onto my index finger like a lifeline, as if she was attempting to grind my bones into the smallest of pieces. But when I looked down into her big brown eyes that were glimmering happily in the moonlight, I came to realise that this was her way of thanking me. The way her eyes suddenly parted from the sky and up to me in admiration. Her pretty little eyes spoke of things that words could never amount to. She loved me, and she didn't know a thing about me. 

That is unconditional love at it's finest.

I never thought a thing so small and precious could ever bring me such completeness and content. Especially after Sophia literally broke my heart... For some reason, her and I felt like forever ago. Non-existent even. 

My eyes traced the surroundings, enjoying the paradise I was suddenly caught up in. I felt alive for once, regardless of looking half-dead.  

I reminded myself of a conversation I had with my old friend Danny Worsnop a few days previous as I continued to embrace everything. I remember myself saying that nothing could ever make me more happy than girls throwing themselves at me, the money, the parties... The fame. 

I stand corrected. I was so wrong. 

Suddenly, nothing meant more to me than this little girl. Even the band... Which was once my entire life, simply because I knew it was something that I'd always have. Something that would never leave me regardless of the actual progress of it all. I knew that if we broke up or even gave up, I'd still have the memories and the music to be proud of. The legacy of it would always be present in my heart, mind, soul and everything I did. But suddenly, non of that mattered anymore, and it was getting hard for me to grasp onto. 

I was given a huge responsibility, one not to be taken lightly, and honestly, it pressured me more than anything ever has. It wasn't the type you got when you were 12 and your mom forced you to walk your neighbours dogs to get more freedom... No. It was so much more complex than that. I was responsible for a life. Something no rare jewel or amount of money could ever pay off. This little being was capable of all kinds. Dominating the world. Saving lives. Making me smile... 

The thing that was worrying me more than anything was that I could barely keep my own life intact, and the wounds of that were still so sore, because my life was crumbling down right at that moment, and I couldn't catch the pieces in my callused hands. 

I needed to be here for Jay. I needed to catch her when she falls. Make smiles cover the bruises she'll develop with time. I needed to keep that little eternal flame alight. Being in a band would rob me of that. "They replaced a drummer once before... Couldn't they do it again?" I wondered silently in my mind that seemed to be spinning, instantly grimacing at myself for even considering that as an option. 

Pushing my thoughts away for a moment to take a much needed breather, I perched myself on the freezing stone wall that supported the steps that lead up to the doors of the eerie adoption centre. As I let the thoughts flood back into my mind, crashing against my skull like a furious tidal, I realised that I needed to stop being so selfish. But I had a dilemma. Do I leave the band and stay true to Jay? Or do I stay true to everyone and eventually lose everything?