She is not as strong as she acts

chapter 3: panic attack, tree house, and best friend

I wake up from my nightmare panicking. That was the day I started to develop a fear of most men. The first of many times that I was used.

I can't breathe. I'm having a panic attack. I haven't had one since my first week in the hospital.

Come on Emily! Just breathe!

But I can't because flashbacks are running in my brain.

Get out! Get out! Get out!

Just then my dad enters the room. He sees me panicking then runs over but doesn't touch me. Touch makes it worse when I am having a panic attack.

"Emily, your safe. Nobody is going to hurt you anymore. Breathe with me. In."

I shakely breathe in.

"Out."

I shakely breathe out.

"In."

I breathe in again.

"Out."

I breathe out. He keeps doing this with me for 10 minutes. Afterwards, I am so embarrassed. I let him see me so weak and fragile again.

"How did you know I was having a panic attack?"

"I had a feeling you would have a nightmare tonight so I have been checking on you every hour."

"Dad! You need to sleep! It is 4am! I can see bags under your eyes. Go back to bed. I will be okay."

"What will you do?"

"If it's alright with you, I think I am going to go to the tree house to clear my head."

"Alright. Be safe and call me if you need me."

"I will."

....

The tree house was originally built for all of my siblings and me. It was supposed to be a place for us all to play. In it is a bunch of board games and some bean bags.

In the beginning, we did all use it but then one day when I got upset I went up there and wouldn't let anyone up but my twin. It became the place we went when something happened, when we were upset, or when we just wanted to get away. We would spend hours up here with each other or sometimes alone. We would sometimes talk and sometimes just sit in silence. It became our place and no one else dared to come up here.

It is just so peaceful up here. I missed it. Back with my mom I didn't have a place to escape to. The only place that I was allowed to go to was school. Other than when I was at school and occasionally sneaking off to Amelia's house, I was trapped in that house with no hope of ever getting out. I am so scared that I will have to go back. If I go back, that means I may not survive.

I know my mom will not give up without a fight. She has played the sweet mother card before. In her eyes, she is innocent so she acts that way whenever someone suspects something.

My mom was never a good mom in the first place. She ignored us alot growing up. I don't think she even wanted to be a mom. She let my dad take care of us by himself. Nick always wanted a relationship with her. He craved for attention from her. He thought I was mom's favorite when she took custody of me but that was far from the truth.

Suddenly, I hear Nick coming up breaking me out of my thoughts. He just comes and sits by me in silence. It feels just like old times. We have this special connection that is indescribable. We can just instantly feel peace around each other.

"I missed it up here," I say finally breaking the silence.

"Yeah. While you were gone, I would come up here on the days I would miss you extra. I missed you everyday, but some days it would almost be unbearable so I would come up here. It was the place I felt closest to you," he says.