Good Things Fall Apart

MY WORST

I woke to the sound of Dallon yelling at someone. I'm not sure who the other person was because they haven't said anything since I woke. Why do I always wake up to yelling when he's around?

I was sore, and certainly not in my bed, my house, or clothes. I was laying on my stomach and rolled to my side with a groan. Everything hurt. It felt like I got into a fistfight with a bull.

"You need to tell him the truth, Dal. I can't keep pretending to be your girlfriend when I know how you feel, who you love, and it isn't me. It never was. you need to tell him before he fully self districts. Even if he still doesn't feel the same way about you, at least he'll know the truth, and Rylee won't have to deal with two self-destructive parents!" That was Breezy. What was she talking about? Who was she talking about? "Explain to him that we never had sex when you two were together this second time, that all of this was my fault because I kissed you! It was a kiss! I didn't do anything else to you, and you didn't do anything to me. You've been a constant wreck for a year, only hiding it when he's around. I don't see why you're trying to make him believe you're happy. You're not." Oh, so they were talking about me. Why would Dallon still have feelings for me? He loved Breezy, or so I thought.

My head fucking hurts not only from the trauma but also these thoughts that wouldn't leave my mind alone. I wanted to hate Dallon, but I just can't. I still love him and always will despite everything. I was genuinely happy that he found someone even if it wasn't me. But, I guess that never happened. Maybe he should become an actor and leave the bass playing to someone else because he fooled me for five years into making me believe I was his one and only. Yeah, fucking right.

Does he even know what love is? I doubt he even truly loves me. He just wants someone he can manipulate, and I was such a dumbass for falling for the deception. I still love Dallon and I always will, but I don't think I could do this for the third time. There is no way that he can truly change, and he needs to live with that fact because I began to live with the fact a year ago.

I laid in the bed, never moving or indicating that I was awake except for when I rolled on my side. I sigh 'in my sleep' and nuzzle into the pillow. It smells like Dallon and I hate myself because of the sudden knots in my lower stomach. I groan from a throbbing headache and abruptly remember that I'm supposed to be sleeping, nostalgia soon forgotten. Maybe they won't even notice. They sound close, but I doubt they're dumb enough to be having this conversation in the same room as me.

"I don't think there is anything I can say to make him change his mind, Bree. I fucked up the first time around and then you kissed me and - and everything just went to shit after that. I lost my best friend and lover again. Fuck, I deserved it the first time, but I haven't done anything with anyone else besides Bren after I asked him to marry me again. I was serious when I said that he is the only one for me and I still mean it. I pretend nothing is wrong so maybe he will move on, and I thought he had with Matthew, but come to find out, he was just a stupid fuck boy like I used to be. I just want him to he happy regardless if I'm with him or not. I'm just a curse to him. I've brought him nothing but sadness and disappointment."

I thought this would be the perfect time to make my presence known, even if they couldn't hear me in return. "That's not true." I mumble into Dallon's tear-soaked pillow. Oh yeah, I guess I started crying. There was a long silence before I heard footsteps on the wood floor. they were quiet so I assume they were socked feet. I didn't turn to face the door, only keeping my face pressed into the pillow.

"How long have you been awake?" Dallon asked and sat next to me, my back to him. I could feel his warm hip pressed against my bare lower back from where my - his shirt raised, exposing some skin above my - his again - pajamas.

"Long enough, " I mumbled into the pillow, situating my shoulder that was underneath the fabric. "That's not true, y'know? Yeah, we had some seriously fucked up moments - dysfunction in our relationship, but not all of it was sadness and disappointment." I take a deep breath and close my eyes. "You gave me our children." I softly smile through the sad tears. "I still love you, Dallon. I never stopped loving you, and I don't think I physically can stop loving you even if I wanted to. Don't get me wrong, yes I love you more than I should, but that doesn't mean I think we're a good idea. Well, maybe not right away. Maybe we can eventually work this shit out, but you and I both know jumping into anything isn't a good idea. You back away from me when things get too good between us, and what's to say you won't do it again, and even sleep with someone else to get your mind off of how good things are? Could you love me at my worst, Dallon?"

Honestly, I already know the answer to my question and it broke what little spirit I had left. He couldn't love me when things were good, so he definitely couldn't love me at my worst.

"I - Don't know, Bren. I never stopped loving you either, but you're right. Things never end well for us." Dallon began to rub my back through my - his shirt.

And here's what I needed. Closure. Maybe we both needed it.

"I think we can eventually get through this over time, but you're right that we shouldn't jump into something right away like we did last time. Maybe we can take things truly slow this time? I mean, when there is a next time. Y'know?" Dallon said and laid down behind me, wrapping his arm around my middle, letting his hand skim over my small bump through the shirt. "I miss cuddling you like this." He mumbled against the back of my neck.

"You never cuddled me like this." I pointed it out because it was true. Dallon has never had the chance to cuddle me like this because he didn't know about Rylee until two years into her life. I don't mind the cuddling because this is all I've been seeking this whole time, simple physical contact. The fact that it was coming from Dallon and how he was cuddling me made it even more enjoyable.

"How's your head?" Dallon asked, placing a flat palm against my stomach. "No, wait why were you drinking last night? you never drink."

"It's okay. I have one hell of a headache though. I guess that's what I get for being a klutz." Dallon hums in acknowledgment. "I - uh - well, some guy offered me a drink last night, and one wouldn't hurt anything so I said sure. Well, that one drink turned into five beers and three mixed drinks. They just kept coming despite telling the bartender that I didn't want them. I stopped caring about the consequences after the second mixed drink. But, I think most of it was removed from my system when I vomited in the bushes before I stumbled and well - lights out."

I yawn into the pillow, feeling my eyelids becoming heavy again despite just waking up. Fatigue was the main cause, but my whole body was sore and I felt like shit. Being in a comfortable bed with a warm body pressed against my back just tipped me close to the edge of unconsciousness.

"Go back to sleep, Bren. I got you." Dallon whispers in my ear, rubbing gentle circles on my stomach under the shirt. The soft constant touch is what did it for me. Everything felt so heavy, but then I was soon asleep in warm and comforting arms. I don't think I've slept this well in nearly two months...