Love is a Death Trap (First in the Series)

~ 6 ~

Dear Mom,

I think it's about time I explain why I can't fall in love. It started when I was really little. You were pregnant with Bim at the time, and Rhea was around seven. Meaning that I was three. You and dad were yelling and I remember he knocked you down and you hit your head and you had to go to the hospital. Aunt Sequoia had to come and care for us because our dad had disapeared. I don't think we ever saw him again. I wish you could meet our new dad. He was a friend of Aunt Sequoia's. He's the greatest man I've ever met, and the only male I'll ever love. In a family kind of way anyways.

I'm glad the hospital saved Bimini. She's one of the most important people in the world to me. I remember when we got the news that you left after Bim was born. I was old enough to understand that we wouldn't get to see you again, and it broke my heart. Rhea was always there to comfort and care for me and Bim. I remember growing an intense kind of hatred for our father. He was the reason for all of this. Then again, because of him, we have a better dad now.

But, in the back of my mind, I blamed something else for the misfortune. You and our father's relationship. Therefore, a bad kind of love. I thought I would never want to fall in love.

Alas, I did. It was eighth grade year, the end of the year. His name was Christian. I asked him if he loved me too, and he told me yes. I was so happy, so happy that I kissed him. He shoved me off in shock, to the floor. That triggered memories of when our father sent you to the hospital. I started to cry, and I got up and ran away. I never spoke to him again.

This experience confirmed that love is a death trap. I convinced myself that I would never fall in love again. And if I did, I would completely ignore it. Even a crush. I would squash any feelings of attraction until they were inexistent. That is why I don't believe in love.

If I'm being honest, I would like to be in a good relationship. But my mind has become so toxic towards thoughts of love and happiness that I simply can't trust love. I just can't.

Hope you understand,

Anne-Marcie May