Warm

15

I thought I had fixed this issue with Mateo.

When I say issue, I mean my love for him as more than a friend. I thought I had accepted and moved on from him. Yes, he was my first love. He was predestined for me even before I knew what that type of love was. But life happens, and whether I like it or not, I had to continue my life without him. Life is simply brutal like that.

I thought I had finished feeling guilty for liking Keanu. I thought. So then why did I chase a man out of a store right now convinced it was Mateo? Why am I still seeing him?

I don't see my family. Only in my dreams. Or nightmares. So why do I see him? What other explanation can there be besides lingering feelings for him? The part where things get complicated, besides loving a dead man, is that I am 100% positive that I only have that type of love for Keanu.

In the past, when I thought of Mateo there was a sense of longing for what could've been. So much so I avoided being in a relationship because there was a part of me belonging to Mateo and Mateo only. But now, I mourn for him. The life he could've lived. The truest friendship I've ever had. The want to be with him in that way is gone.

All there is room for is Keanu. He takes up all the love I can give to a person like that. He, he does something to me Mateo could've never done. Keanu makes me want to live for myself and for us. For the hope of a future that can bring happiness. This is my first love.

If what I feel is true, why am I recognizing Mateo in unrecognizable faces?

The guilt I feel now is for Keanu. When I'm with him, he's solely focused on me. In his heart and mind, I occupy them. I am completely sure of this. It's obvious. His daily messages scattered throughout the day, his constant desire to be with me and learn about me, and his permanent touch on my skin all testify his love for me in actions.

What about me? Does he also know?

I worry since he so easily could read me, does he also see the parts of me that continue to see Mateo?

"Aurora!" The scream is as loud as a bullet, resonates in my bones. My body jumps, forcing me from my thoughts. Of course a scream as loud as that can only belong to Laura.

"What?" Our tables are right next to each other so screaming was obviously uncalled for. She doesn't look mad. Maybe it's because shes not wearing dark red lipstick today. 

"I asked you like 1,000 times if you finished processing the invoice I gave you."

When she says 1,000 times I'm sure she means two times. "Oh yes," I mumble, passing her the pack of papers. I'm so out of it I can't even be angry with her.

She sighs, noting my distance. "Your lunch passed a while ago. Take a break."

Without arguing, I nod slowly.

I was going to order something but I ended up at Keanu's office instead. Max isn't standing at the desk so I just take the elevator to Keanu's floor.

The screaming was noticeable from two floors below. A woman's voice and Keanu's. As I walk up to the door, the words become clearer.

"I said no Keanu!" Her shout is full of so much rage and force, it cracks.

"And I said no," he growls back, vibrating the walls. "I won't marry Alex even if you threaten me with death!"

Alex? Why would he marry Alex? And who is this woman? My hand is on the door ready to defend him at all costs until I hear him call her mom. I freeze. His mother? After I realize she is not some girl I can fight my way through, I back away. My hand comes back to my side. It's his mother.