All These Smiles That I'm Faking - Larry Stylinson

Chapter 1 - Harry POV

Hey Guys I am soo sorry it took so long to start... I have the entire story planned in my head but I wasn't sure how to start... Well I promise I'll do at least Monday -  Wednesday - Friday, sometimes more often if I feel like it...

TW - Rape, Car crash, death, self harm, negative thoughts, panic attack

I woke up in a cold sweat. I had just relived the worst moments of my life all over again. I rolled to my side and pulled out my phone. I winced at the blinding light illuminating my dark room. It was 6.30 am and I had half a mind to roll back into bed and fall asleep but when I saw the date, I knew I'd better get up. It was first day back to school after the summer break and for me it was a whole year since I had been to school.

I got out of my covers rubbing my arms which were covered in goosebumps. I checked the next room to see if Niall was awake. I often end up screaming when I have a nightmare and the poor lad wakes up and comforts me. Goodness knows what In did to deserve such a friend.

I looked into the mirror and felt an overwhelming amount of disgust at myself when I saw my tear-tracked cheeks. "Ugly fool," I whisper shouted at myself. "Cursed idiot." I muttered in anger scratching my arms now. I know I shouldn't but now the memories were flowing back. I rocked myself back and forth wanting comfort as incident after incident played in my mind.

Incident 1 (1st reason Harry considers himself cursed) - These are his memories that are flashing in his mind during his panic attack

16 year old Harry was walking home alone after getting some groceries for his mum. Suddenly, he was surrounded. It has happened so fast he never realized. "W-what do you want?" He stuttered, extremely terrified. The men laughed, "You're a fag aren't ya?" Harry didn't know how to respond. Yes, he was gay and he had just come out a few days back but he didn't dare answer. The men cackled at young Harry's apparent fear. "Oh, the little fag had gone dumb. Did you piss your pants, you ugly faggot?" The men laughed at Harry's expense while Harry stayed silent afraid of what was to come. When he went out to buy groceries he had never expected this. The men suddenly grabbed him and though Harry kicked and shook there was no way for him to escape the strong grip of the four burly men.

They dragged him to a dark room and Harry had no idea where they were. Suddenly, a dim light was switched on and Harry was momentarily blinded. The second he took his hands up to cover his eyes, his pant and underwear was ripped of his waist so they hung at his ankles. Harry gasped in shock and fear, his breath becoming short as he realized what was about to happen. He tried to fight harder but his arms were soon tied and he was gagged. A strong man held onto his legs and stuck his finger up Harry's hole, without lube or spit uncaring that it tore at Harry's skin. Harry cried in pain but everything was muffled by the gag. The man pushed another finger in, opening Harry up with no prep making Harry see black spots due to the pain. Suddenly, the gag was ripped of Harry's face and one guy stuck his dick balls deep into Harry's mouth causing him to choke but no one cared. The man pulled out and thrusted back in hitting the back of Harry's throat as Harry cried silently in pain. And just when he assumed the pain couldn't get worse, the first guy swapped his fingers for his dick and Harry was sure he had never felt anything half as painful in his entire life. The two men fucked Harry hard and fast till both came, their cum pooling into Harry's hole and mouth and Harry never felt like puking more in his life. However, just as he gagged about to vomit the other two guys who were waiting silently all this time, came to take a turn and the entire process repeated. Harry cried and cried helplessly wanting desperately to escape but there was no hope.

When the men were done with him, they threw him out on the streets leaving him all by himself and all Harry could do was close his eyes and pray for an escape from this pain. The next morning he found himself on a hospital bed, his mum rubbing his palm and Gemma standing near but when he remembered yesterday's incidents he pulled his hand away. He was still sore from the previous night of torture and his throat was aflame. Anne looked at Harry visibly hurt and Harry wanted to hug her but then again... did he? The idea of touching anyone seemed so painful and how- how could he trust anyone? How does he know that they aren't trying to hurt him and though there was a tiny whisper calling him stupid for fearing his own mum he couldn't bring himself to accept her physical comfort. Then, Gemma came near him and touched his shoulder lightly, tears glistening in her red puffy eyes yet all Harry could focus on was the hand touching him and his breathing suddenly quickened. Gemma looked alarmed and quickly stepped away to call a doctor. The doctors rushed in and immediately worked on calming Harry down but all the touching only affected him more and finally they had to give him an anesthesia shot to calm the hyperventilating boy down. As Harry drifted off, the doctor beckoned Gemma and Anne to sit with him and he said with a heavy tone, "It isn't abnormal for him to dislike being touched. The condition he was found in and the patches on his clothing made it rather clear that he was raped." The doctor had suggested this to Anne and Gemma but it being confirmed made both women sob. "Mrs. Twist, Ms. Styles, I'm sorry to say but I think the assault has traumatized Harry and he seems to have a mild form of PTSD. It is not uncommon for rape victims to hate being touched and I fear Harry is facing a similar problem. He has been shaken to say the least and you need to know just how much this incident will affect him. I don't know how Harry was before the rape but even if he was cheery and optimistic, now he will have a more pessimistic outlook. He's likely to have trust-issues, flashbacks and nightmares about the rape and like I already said fear of being touched. We can definitely help him but it will take time. I don't know what exact problems Harry will face but I assure you both, we will help him. Sadly, he isn't nearly one of the first rape victims - we've had far more than we wish for."

When Harry woke up, he was scared of being touched, was diagnosed with depression and his happy self was replaced by a reserved timid boy who feared the slightest of noises and hated people. He had countless panic attacks and nightmares and he hugged his pillow for comfort because he still couldn't relax in his mother's embrace. Only a couple of days later Liam and Niall met Harry. The lad's two best friends were shaken when they heard of the incident and when they saw their best friend sitting so small and afraid on the bed, they longed to hug him but controlled their urge and stayed away for his sake. They were allowed to meet him and they spoke for a while but both Niall and Liam noticed the new restriction and hesitation in Harry's voice and the moment they left Harry's hospital room they sobbed into each other's arms unable to bear seeing their friend so broken and fragile. 

When the doctor finally considered Harry stable enough to leave the hospital, he gave Harry anti-depression pills and advised Anne to let Harry attend online lectures till he was ready to get out of the house and meet strangers. Harry still hated being touched but he trusted his mum, sister and two best friends and they were the only people who could touch him without triggering a panic attack. And even then if any of them suddenly tapped him, scaring him, his breath would immediately quicken. It was a few months later, when Harry met the blade and began cutting to escape the terrible rape memories. Gemma was the one to catch him but she didn't tell Anne. Instead, Gemma would sit for hours talking to Harry, distracting his mind and making him feel safe. She spent countless hours helping Harry rather than spending time with her own friends. She helped Harry feel comfortable with Liam and Niall again and the trio's friendship was restored thanks to Gemma...

How's it so far? This is only 1 incident that makes Harry feel cursed there will be a 2nd one in the next chapter and a 3rd incident later in the story...