Miraculous Concussion Cinematic Univers (MCCU)

You Know What, Fuck China!

Once again, for what little sanity I have left, this takes place between Miraculous Migraine and whatever the fuck I decide to call the next season.

PROLOGUE

"Stay!"

Long ago in the primordial pre-twitter era of 2005, a mighty Guardian stood in a sacred cave, ready to fight. Before him was the prison of one of the most destructive evils known to mankind. This evil was called the Prodigious and it was sealed behind an enchanted door that could only be opened in the light of the magical eclipse.

"Staaaaay... Stay!" Wu Shifu scolded the mystical portal again.

The demonic lion-man in the rainbow cake whimpered, rolled on its spiked back, and wagged its many barbed tails.

"No walkies. No! Stay!"

This epic duel of masters carried on for hours until the last sliver of blood-red light of the magical eclipse vanished. The demon lion-man gave one last whine before it was trapped back in the spongy dessert of the Earth's crust. The world was safe once again. Wu Shifu retrieved his jade bracelet from the wall and stroked the jewel with reverence.

"And that, class," he said, "is the true purpose of kung-fu."

Behind him, his potential students exchanged dumbfounded looks. "So, it's not about inner peace, kickass moves, or whatever?" one asked. "It's ancient Chinese cat-sitting?"

"Precisely!" Wu Shifu answered proudly. "Now, who is ready to live in squalor and give up their social lives and the internet in order to dedicate the rest of their years to guarding this wall?"

He faced them, eager to teach all he knew.

Everybody was gone.

"Oh... gán."

The lion-man stuck his head out of the cake-wall. "Whoops, did I come on a little strong?" it asked. "Does this mean I don't get my snacks?"

"No, no, Mei-Shi, you were great." Wu Shifu tossed the beast the usual bribe of Reese's peanut-butter cups. "Today's youth are just blinded by the false need for technology and friends. I have to take a different approach. I'm sure I can find at least one student."

Wu Shifu couldn't find even one student and his school of kung-fu fell on hard times. Word spread quickly about the true purpose of kung-fu and nobody was willing to give up indoor plumbing for that crap. Months were spent on the street by Wu Shifu, trying to entice the young and stupid into throwing their lives away. There were no takers.

Until one night...

"Baby here! Get your free baby here!"

Wu Shifu dropped his dinner and roundhouse kicked open the door. "Free baby? I'll take him!" he quickly said and nabbed the swaddle of blankets out the stranger's hands.

"Ha! Joke's on you, dumbass!" the stranger cackled as they ran away. "He's a girl! No take-backs! One kid per family, sucker!"

But Wu Shifu didn't care that the baby was a girl. He was no longer alone. He finally had someone he could train in the arts of kung-fu. The man smiled lovingly at his new daughter and said, "I shall call you... Fei."

YEAR ONE:

"Ah! I just changed your diaper! How is it full again?!" Wu Shifu wailed.

Baby Fei only giggled at the torment she caused.

Wu Shifu gagged with admiration. "Such sadism will give you an advantage over the Prodigious."