I Woke Up with No Alarms Today

If given a chance to be granted one wish, I would wish that I was a lot more stable.

I was never someone with a permanent field. I cannot be just a writer and that's it. I have to be a musician too. I cannot be just a student, I have to be a member somewhere. I cannot just be a daughter, I have to go out and serve somewhere. I cannot just be following my job description, I have to have a part in another department too.

There's this feeling in me that pushes me to have double roles. I believe it adds depth of character if you have more that one identity. I always think about all the free time I have, and I always wanted those vacancies filled out. I didn't like to become bored, although I enjoy my blank moments. I always had to do something. If I don't, I start shaking. I start to feel breathless. I have to move. I have to do something, or else I would start crying.

New roles always excite me. For me, it meant more opportunities, more learning, and more inspiring stories to listen to. As someone who aspires to be a writer, new experiences always meant a lot to me. I would try to immortalize my feeling to whatever piece of paper I could write on, hence the pen I always bring around.

Everything was fine. It really was. Until I left a community group. Until I cried my eyes out over an unsent email. Until I skipped classes because I couldn't stop crying. Until I let myself get burned out over a council that cannot form a quorum. Until a person horrifically lashed out on the ideas of my friends. Until I got so threatened by one place every parent trusts to be safe for their children. Until I got so afraid of even making friends without getting caught by people who are ostracizing me.

Then one day, I woke up. No alarms. No schedule. No morning banters.

Nothing.