Fell In Love In Stages // a matty healy fanfic

Cosmic Compost

-Matty's POV-

I woke up next to Trinity. At some point in the night, she'd turn away from me, but she let one hand linger, reaching back to rest on my own hand. A border of sunlight ringed the curtains of my room, signaling morning. I felt her hand, felt our breathing. I felt lucky, grateful. The sound of moving vehicles climbed from the street, mingled with parts of conversations. I looked at her neck, brushed back her hair to kiss it. She stirred. I wondered.
Our clothes had stayed on the whole time. We'd cuddled together, looking not for sex, but comfort. I expected the comedown to be brutal, but we sailed to sleep together, with more ease than I ever would have imagined. First night on my bed after ages and not a single nightmare.
I stare at her for a few more beats, the urge to self destruct already stirring inside me. I try to shake the thought of it off, but I know well enough that once the urge takes a hold, it only tightens its grip until I eventually give in. I instinctively place a hand over my shirt pocket, and hear the plastic baggie inside crumple from the touch. I don't need it, I tell myself. I'm better than this, I say.
To distract myself, I quietly close the bedroom door and tiptoe downstairs to make myself a cup of tea. I stand on the counter while the kettle boils, watching the tiny sliver of light that's managed to enter this dark room through a crack between the blinds. I part the curtains further apart and a wider beam is cast on the centre of my chest like a direct line to the sun. It was an unusually sunny day. Or maybe it always is, I'm just never awake to see it.
I stand there, feeling the warmth on my chest.
I ruffle my hair and notice the tiny specks of dust float about around me. I read in a medical journal somewhere that the majority of the stuff I was looking at came from just two sources: people- exfoliated skin and hair; and the countless meteorites that fall everyday- disintegrated as they hit the earth's atmosphere. In other words, what I was looking at was mostly me and stardust.
So there I was, like the little Tower Bridge in the round glass ball that snowed when I shook it, perched on the mantle at Nana's house. London bridge is falling down, and I am falling down and the stars are falling down. And everything else is falling down, to go around again, some say.
Scientists have pretty well established that we come from a stellar birthing room.
We are the stuff of stars.
I inhale slowly through my nose, and right there in my kitchen, I seem to be returning to my source, in a quiet way. Recombining with the stuff of the universe into who-knows-what.
I take my cup of tea upstairs with a heightened respect for what's going on all around knowing it isn't dirt. It's all compost. Cosmic compost.
I enter my room to find Trinity rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
"Mornin' sleepyhead" I smile
"How long have I been asleep?" she asks, stretching her arms
Everything about her- from her button nose to her childlike voice- feels soft and innocent. I find myself wanting nothing more than to get right back in bed with her. Take her, right here, where I have several other girls before her. I could just as easily get her out of her clothes and show her what these hands of mine could do. But I stop myself. Not like this.
"Hello? Earth to Matty" she says, sliding off the bed.
"Well, it was 7 pm when I got you out of your clothes, and into my bed and that's the last I remember being conscious"
She slaps my arm playfully and says, "For the record, you got me out of my clothes and into yours" she says self-assuringly with a nod.
I study her with amusement. She's swimming in my sweatshirt, and though she's rolled up the sweatpants several times, they still drag at the bottom.
"You've never looked sexier" I say truthfully.
"Right", she claps her hands together with a quiet thump. "Now what?"
I consider this for a moment. "Hot chocolate, I think."
"Yes please!" she says, "But your parents?"
"Umm", I look at my watch-less wrist for dramatic effect and say, "They won't be up till the sun goes down."
"Perfect", she says and as I walk over to the door, I grab the hood of her sweatshirt and ruck it up over her head.
"Now it's perfect", I say with a grin
Downstairs, we pull the canister of cocoa and a couple of mugs from the cupboard, then heat up the milk and pop two slices of bread in the toaster. We do our best to be quiet, skidding around in our socks, being sure to close each cabinet with exaggerated care. When the hot chocolate and toast is ready, we sit at the kitchen table with our hands cupped around the mugs, reveling in the warmth before taking a sip.
"I haven't been this well rested in ages", I say
"Neither have I," she says, buttering her toast. "So, are you nervous about the gig tomorrow? I heard from Lacy there will be talent scouts present there"
"Well, sure," I say taking a sip of the cocoa, "but more than anything, I'm excited. I feel like this could be the start of something big"
"I have no doubt in my mind you're gonna make it big" she says, her smile not reaching her eyes.
It was a smile I was all too familiar with. I learned at an early age that your eyes will betray your feelings quite a bit.
"Is something the matter", I ask softly
She shakes her head vigorously, downs her hot chocolate and says, "Well, would you look at the time. I can't miss another day of school. You coming?"
I look at her sceptically but after a while of her avoiding eye contact, I let it go.
"I don't think I'll be going today," I sigh, "We gotta practice for tonight. You're free to stay if you want?" I say hopefully
"I can't miss out on anymore classes, this close to finals" she says, but I suspect there's something she's avoiding.
"Oh, alright, let me drop you off though", I offer.
She shrugged, her look as unreadable as always.