Mutatives: Attack of the Mutants

Chapter Four

Connor and I are set up together in a tent for the night. I still feel incredibly nauseous, even after crying for approximately an hour. I feel bad for how long Connor has had to hold me and endure my emotional response while he is emotionally processing everything as well. I've said all I could say to explain how I'm feeling, and no matter what Connor says to rationalize my thoughts and reassure me, I return back to the same trains of thought. I want to hold in the sobs and tears out of this guilt, but I can't.

"My family... they died on purpose. The world died on purpose. Nothing was an accident," I break into another set of sobs as I trail off. "I know I'm repeating myself and I'm sorry, but... this feels so heavy. It's so intense. It feels like my heart is being wrung out like a washcloth."

"Shh, I know, Ev, I know," Connor responds and pulls my head in closer to his chest. I can't bear to lay down and cry anymore since I cannot breathe. I break free from his hold and sit up straight to take a few deep breaths. My thoughts start to feel collected, until the intrusive thoughts crawl back in. More tears run down my cheeks, and more sobs threaten to escape my mouth.

"I just... I don't understand. How could this happen? What living being could stand ending the entire world and putting so many people through so much pain? Do we really live in a world that cruel?" I stop to keep thinking while Connor stays silent to let me process. "I can't believe this is happening! How could this happen? Tell me this is some sick nightmare, or a simulation. I want out now. This isn't fun anymore. This isn't fair anymore!" I'm practically screaming at this point. As my voice raises, I feel my heart tighten more and more.

"I know you are grieving, but you can't deny this, it will only make the reality hurt more. You have to face this, as much as it pains you. It's the only way to move forward," Connor tells me with a soft voice.

"I know, I know, I know all of that. I just can't care right now. Everything hurts so bad. It feels like my entire world and everything I have ever known has just fallen apart." I look down to Connor who is still laying down on his extremely thin mat within this tent. Even through the darkness, I can see his eyes are filled with fear. His expression bears him overwhelmed and emotionally drained. His eyes are screaming for help. You can watch the thoughts racing in his mind. It feels like I have a front row seat to his anxiety attack, but he holds it inside.

"Connor, I'm so sorry... I've been rambling for hours and I haven't asked you once how you are feeling. Please, talk. You need to talk."

Connor sits up and faces me while he stares into my eyes. "It's okay, really. I've seen a lot of stuff in my life. You're right, this does feel heavy... but if I have overcome everything else, I can see us getting past this. I may feel overwhelmed and paralyzed now, but we cope differently, and that's okay. I'm here to reassure your doubts, because you don't have the voice in your head to tell you any differently. Why would you? You haven't faced heartbreak like this. You wouldn't know that with time, the heaviness gets lighter. There becomes a new normal. And you heal, and grow, and move forward. I don't need to process this the way you do, in fact, helping you calm down is helping me calm down. This is good. We are helping each other get through this."

I stare into his face so long that my eyes unfocus. His positivity sounds like a load of shit. How can anyone recover from this feeling? "I applaud your positivity, I do, but..." I trail off as I wipe a few tears and prepare myself for what I'm about to say. "No one in the history of humankind has ever had to face this reality. No one has ever had to casually face the fact that there is another species of humans who deliberately killed off the entire world. No one has had to hear that the only people left on Earth are the only hope left of saving humanity, or what's left of it at least. This is unheard of. This is uncharted territory. How do we know it's supposed to be okay? What do we even move forward towards? The future is incredibly uncertain. We always thought we knew what was next, but now it has become this big blob of nothingness with a question mark in the middle of it. How are we supposed to be okay? This isn't the same thing as losing a parent, or being hit by the people who are supposed to love you the most. I know that's insanely insensitive, but I need your help to understand. I need you to explain to me why this isn't worse than anything you have ever faced before." I break into more sobs as I conclude my monologue. I hold myself tightly as the pain intensifies with every thought and question that I ask. With a broken voice, I say "I just don't understand. I don't get it!"