My poetry Collection: Chapter 1 Colliding into Gracious Granted

It's not the beginning or the end

I wrote this poem somewhere in 2014-2015 I was around 16-17 years old. I took a writers workshop class. The category was poetry. My instructor graded me with a percentage of 48% because my poetry was considered quote "too depressing" and "realistic" and I should have considered something more "thought out" and "well written" she was about to throw it away but I asked her if i can keep it. She looked at me in an incredulous manner. Then she told me "Sure you can have it back. Maybe you can treat this as a lesson of motivation of some sort"
well this is me, 6-7 years later publishing it on Wattpad. Let me know what you think!

It's not the beginning or the end

The only thing that prevented
me from throwing in the towel
was the book characters in stories
But sometimes I worry
Is it all really worth it?
I have thoughts of ending it
right then and there
ending my life because
It's just not fair
But then I wonder whats
on the other side?
Do I really want to see?
its inevitable to me
Heaven or hell
Or a deep slumber forever
once death hits?
It's not the beginning or the end

They say you should
Value higher things in your life
other than technology,luxury,glamor and food
they say I should be grateful
for my fortune, my health, and the fact
I have all 4 limbs on my body because other
People aren't as lucky as I am...
But what if I want more?
What if it's not good enough?
Does that make me Insatiable?
It's not the beginning or the end

I envy people who love their families
They're solely dependent on them.
Family is like poisoned poking plants
They're toxic,fatal,and full of hate
Part of me wishes I could find
Something inside of them to appreciate.
Friends are like needles and pins
When you're sewing,be careful
You never know where it's been
then there's me. All alone.
No family, no friends
It's basically the line towards the end.
I see all the social posts
of friends and family
It's the holiday pictures and Halloween
then there's me. I sit alone on my couch
Watching it on my computer screen.
And then I see something else...
A picture paints a thousand words.
or so I have heard.
What's behind that picture?
Candidly, If you're searching for the approval of likes, look in the mirror.
You shouldn't believe
everything you see on social media
with love emojis, hearts,even a prayer
but part of me wanted to dig deeper
It's not the beginning or the end...

I've experienced alienation and being ostracized by so called friends and family
I've been told by older siblings
"you can't come. This is for the adults"
I see they go to the movies. It's PG-13
Only my two siblings that go together.
I could have went. But you know how it is...
I'm the youngest of three.
They say the youngest has it easy
but just like the first and middle
It's never always perfect
It still has its own blemish
I was never allowed
to spend time with them
Two are in a close
age gap of 3-4 years
while I am in the age
range of 8-10 years.
A huge age gap.
When I was younger
I always believed if I was
at a certain age, they'd finally
want me and accept me. It still hasn't happened even right now.
they don't live at home anymore
But they talk and say
I'm my mother's favorite
The sad thing is, they don't spend
any amount of time with me.
So, how would they know?
It's not the beginning or the end

always feeling like the outcast, I grow up.
My flaws have caught up with me.
my heart still races If I make a friend.
Will they like me? Will they see the real me?
I pray to God. But even in my heart, I know I have to survive on my own to fend.
I recollect a memory of
myself in junior high.
I'm sitting at a table with a
Group of "friends"
One of them talks about going out to a place to hang out. I ask to join. They accept.
Later on, I get a text.

"Sorry. Feeling sick. Won't be able to make it. Maybe next time"

I understand, I nod in agreement sending a

"Take care. Let me know when you're okay again :)"

only instead of them being sick,
I look online and they did indeed go out together.
Without me.
I look down.
And I should have known.
Why I let someone treat
me like that, I can't gather.
Bottom line, everyone has it different
It's not the beginning or the end

The only thing that heals me is time
My memory comes back
and it's repeated but I'm fine
I'm aware I should count my blessings
be grateful I'm alive
some didn't make it and died
In the dark and didn't wake up
Until the morning came
even so, I have to keep sane
I should keep going, that I know
but what if I reach my low?
will I find my way back home?
It's not the beginning or the end

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!

It's not the beginning or the end written by Aria