In Your Corner | ✓

Thirty-Eight

Mid-terms hit hard over the next couple of weeks and everyone I know is pulling long days at the library to try and get enough studying done for them.

It's pretty exhausting and between both of our work schedules on top of college, Josh and I don't manage to see each other much. We occasionally grab lunch together when we can and stay over at each other's once or twice each, but that's it.

Honestly, I'm a little nervous about sharing a bed with Josh since I got carried away and he got scared. I terrified to push him too far or to accidentally make him uncomfortable.

The times we do sleep over, we keep it pretty PG, but I think that's mostly me holding back.

I just struggle to figure out exactly how to handle the obvious sexual tension between us, while balancing it with the fact that he might not be ready, even if he seems it.

He's been through enough and the last thing he needs is to feel pressured by his girlfriend into sex. So, I try to keep a lid on it.

Except, of course, it doesn't quite work like that. Joshua Zaki is nothing if not perceptive.

It's the night after our last mid-terms and although there was some vague chat about a wild night out to celebrate our freedom, we're both a bit tired. So, we're lying in Josh's bed, watching yet another episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

I appeased Anandi by telling her that we'll go out this weekend instead. It's only Thursday, after all. During exam time, we don't have practice, so we're free tonight.

I'm curled up against Josh with my head on his shoulder and his arm around my waist, enjoying just lying next to him and being in his presence. It's been hard, not having a lot of time with him lately. I've never been particularly clingy, but it's been hard trying to be there for him from a distance. I think he's always found physical contact a source of comfort.

Ironic, really. Pretty heartbreaking too.

As the episode ends, Josh lets out a quiet huff and extracts himself from me slowly.

I lay my head down on the pillow and gaze at him as he props himself up on his elbow.

"So, are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" he asks quietly, eyes scrutinising me.

I wrinkle my nose. "What do you mean?"

Josh reaches out with his free hand and tugs on my hair lightly. "Well, at first I thought you were off because you were stressed about your mid-terms, but they're over now and you're still acting weird. Something's going on. What is it?" His words might seem harsh but his tone is soft and his eyes are tender.

I break the eye contact and sigh. "Nothing's really going on, Josh. I'm just tired."

He doesn't buy it for a second. "Okay, let me rephrase my question then. Why have you been turning a little awkward every time we get into bed together lately? Like you don't want anything physical."

Ah.

It's not that I want to lie to Josh, or hide anything from him, but I honestly just don't know how to bring it up. You can't just casually tell your boyfriend you're a bit worried that he might think you're trying to pressure him into sex.

But, I know that he deserves the truth. Clearly, he's been picking up on the signs for a while and has been waiting for me to say something.

So, I pull my big girl panties on and take a deep breath. "Just don't want to push you into something that you might not be ready for. I don't want you to think that I'm just, like, desperately waiting for you to be ready, or whatever. I just want you to make the move, at your own pace, and not do anything sexual with me because you think I want it."