hopeful

what is this old fear

Cold and stale like the streets of Brooklyn at night, Just getting out of the car was a whole new experience in its self. I'd not felt air this light since I last left, the air was too thick where I'd been so I guess the relief was almost cathartic; As I walked into the house we once called home feelings of past pain and regrets that weren't mine haunt me just as my thoughts were starting to consume whatever hope of happiness that occurred in mind on the way over.

Dad stopped me in the doorway of the now empty room just to explain why he'd got rid of everything from 10 years ago, My fault for thinking a meaningful conversation would ensue of course he just wanted to clear his own guilt out loud... I brushed it off, "its okay dad that story is long gone" he looked upset from my point of view but I didn't have time to feel bad. I ran along the blue painted wooden stairs as I did when small i must say it was fun.

Dad had asked me after our short but meaningless conversation if I'd want to go with him for food items at the market, in my head all I heard was alone time so I was quick to not budge an enthusiastic response he shrugged his head

as I went back to reminiscing it felt great to be alone in my old house when passing the kitchen I saw what was left the start to a height chart Alice walker badly etched into the wall the stickers i put on the backdoor even my doodle marks on the refrigerator faded but still good.

Feelings of sadness and pain that didn't belong to me overcame my soul suddenly id been filled with rage all over again like it was new why do what he did, werent we good enough wasnt mom good enough wasnt i good enough..."sweetie am home" hit me like a ton of bricks in my gut "COOL NOW GO MAKE DINNER" I snapped as to avoid him seeing my tears

i didn't wanna say something out of anger because oh man I was ready it wasn't 2007 anymore id been older now an had much more of an understanding as to what really happened back than all those years of confusion turned to rage i was gonna do it this new hot headed me she'd waited to come out for so long

I heard my moms voice in the back of my head "you can't fight fire with more fire honey" I saw my dad look back at me in the dust filled mirror which helped me remember whom I really was I gained my self worth back just in time for dinner going to the kitchen was the hardest part.