hopeful

maybe i was wrong

I walked into the house freezing, went to turn on the heater but I was stopped by dad "enoughs enough" he spook in a loud voice at this point I knew he'd been sober the dad I knew was showing

We went to the living room to speak about hopefully the truth
As our eyes locked a loud sigh came from his Jagged Krusty mouth before my sensibilities kicked in dad said its about time I tell you the real truth since your mother has passed with a silent smile the words your mom cheated on me with uncle Roy hit my soul so deep.

Excuse me was the only thing too come in mind as everything my body, mind went black. Yes I was keeping her safe all these years still because I wanted you to have a healthy upbringing and if anyone was gonna be the bad guy its me honey "was he lying"
"Did he want to make me feel like shit" all race threw my head.

The room filled with sadness as I realized I've hated my dad for the  entirety of life an there was no reason to it, I couldn't understand what was happening my mom.. my beautiful mother had been the one whom ruined our lives broken the family apart taken MY SOUL suddenly and abruptly i couldn't bring myself to hate her with all of me in that feeling I said "it's okay I forgive her".

Another predicament I found myself in now was empty guilt the feeling of not caring but caring too much if I'd spiraled before, well now I'm drowning.
Thoughts of good times and bad times occurred over & over but only one remains as a stable hold the day she died.

It'd been a beautiful sunny day which ironically was her favorite. she wanted to go skating I didn't wanna go for a particular reason But she didn't know that I had my first party at joe dillons house the excitement was there, she was very compliant as usual just wanted to spend time together but my teenage self was not as compliant so i micro manipulated situation to my benefit in order not to make her feel a certain type of way once I was Scott free i headed off to my room.

Getting ready was the hardest part seeing myself in the mirror as a glorified pretty girl was easy because every girl I surrounded myself with was so cased in material possession that they viewed themselves as tantalizing objects for men to make their own, Me on the other hand my intentions were not so bleak.

Couldn't wait for Nightfall to hit because then the excitement would arise even further as the nervousness would serve nicely in my favor when waiting for my friends car, losing myself was the half of it craving a desire that I had never intended on making a main objective in life was a different feeling felt almost freeing in its own way.

Just as I went to kiss my mom goodbye she stopped and said how much she'd been grateful for having me and being a mom at the time my thoughts on it were "weird" and didn't think twice but now I realize she was subconsciously saying her goodbye. I wished so deeply that I could go back and just have fun skating like she wanted.. that woman's instincts had always been Keen i should have listened..

Going to get in the car was more anticipating than I thought besides the party would be better if only I knew the pain I caused for not just me but my dad, when walking in it felt nothing like the movies I'd seen where's the people and the yelling with music lots of sweaty epda also dancing but nope it was 6 people in a circle drinking, smoking, playing spin the bottle ? Had I been fucked with? was my expectations too unrealistic?.

Shit I muttered as I sat down next to Lindsay small making out with Joe "your next Alice!" But I just sat down? "rules are rules Alice"
Mhmmm of course twist would say that so pushy with all girls "okay.." I spin & my heart stops when it lands on Emma , dark skin goddess from school.

Wow how lucky am I. reading much into the room filled with horny teenagers ready to set their sights on two females locking lips, for me it was a Transcendence experience am I gay.... I'd never felt this way before, everything was trembling as she moved forward to kiss her lips to mine frozen in place, does sweat turn to bullets? because this girl had gotten up top on my lap faced towards me with the most graceful motions and kissed me so passionately like I was hers.

Just as it started fast it ended fast
My phone rang with my normal ringtone which never rings cuz I didn't have very many people calling me usually I'd be hearing the custom ringtone set for my mom as she'd be the only one calling me often.  Going to pick up that phone was the hardest part..
"This is the NYC Fire Department is your mom rose walker?"
Yes?
"We have some very unfortunate news now we've already gone ahead and called your father"
WHAT HAPPENED!
" there's been an explosion, A gas leak was previously inspected but due to an unprofessional approach the job was done incorrectly and I'm sorry to inform you, your mother has died due to the fire it set to the rest of the house she couldn't make it out in time we are so sorry for your loss ma'am... ma'am? "

My blood ran cold whatever heart I had stopped.. guilt flooding the entirety of my existence that once was so cherished by her my everything.... "NO SOMEONE HELP" As I passed out into the black void I'd thought maybe ill end up with you mom.