Tear In My Heart (COMPLETE)

Chapter Twelve

    Neither were quite sure when the feelings had even started; just that they had. Hoody could recall first and foremost, Brian would later admit. Yet it was Tim who would admit it first.
    It was the gunshot, he would later recall, and perhaps even him waking to Toby beside him after he had had the seizure. It was that same feeling he had when Jay got shot - when he realized it was Brian he had pushed out that window. He still never forgave himself for letting that happening to Jay no matter how hard Brian tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault. And he sure as hell never forgave himself for Brian’s subsequent death, no matter how many times the other assured him he wasn’t at fault, that he was forgiven. Yet doubt still plagued Tim, a curse he couldn’t be rid of.

    But that feeling -- the helplessness, the fear, the dread of knowing he could have protected them, prevented this overcame him like a hurricane on that day as they had only twice before. He couldn’t blame Alex for their deaths; not Jay’s and sure as hell not Brian’s
    And he sure as hell couldn’t blame him for Toby.

    Only afterwards -- after the remorse and guilt had wedged themselves firmly into the cracks and crevices of his brain -- did his feelings for the ticking time bomb that was Toby came to light. It wasn’t that his feelings for Brian went away or lessened in any shape or form; just that Toby was there, too. And boy, was he confused and conflicted as all hell. Was this normal? He wasn’t sure it was, if he were being honest. He hadn’t had a relationship before Brian, so he couldn’t say he knew in the slightest how to deal with these feelings. But -- for once, he couldn’t find it in himself to complain about his normalcy. Not this time, at least.
 
  He knew he couldn’t keep this from Brian; it was not something to be kept, and they were always just so honest with each other about everything, even if it were minor. Even so, worry and confusion overflowed in his gut. Would Brian hate him? Break up with him? Tim wasn’t sure he could take such a thing. But he also knew he couldn’t hide it forever. Brian always knew how to read people, their emotions, and eventually he would find out one way or another.
Which was how he found himself lying in bed with one arm behind his head and the other  firmly around Brian, wide awake with slumber none the closer with Brian lying against his side and arms wrapped tightly around him as he slept. Toby had been long since gone on some sort of ‘mission’ Slender had sent him on. It had taken a while for Toby to gain such luxuries, especially after the incident. Tim couldn’t say he wasn’t worried for Toby when he was by himself like this, only further confusing Tim and his emotions.

“Hey Brian,” Tim found himself finally muttering as he turned his head to look down at the other, “you still awake?”

At first Tim thought he truly might be, and that the courage he found bubbling up in his chest wasted for nothing. However, Brian’s weight shifted slightly and his head moved from Tim’s chest so his chin was resting against a strong shoulder as bleary, half-lidded eyes looked up to him.

“Yeah,” the sandy haired blonde mumbled as he shifted. “What’s up?”
Tim sighed, courage all but draining from his frame as he looked the other over carefully. Brain waited, ever the patient man he was with  eyes still half lidded as his breathing stayed steadier than Tim’s as they stared. “You alright?” Brain asked after a long bout of silence, now seeming awake and sounding more concerned when Tim didn’t reply immediately. Tim sighed, looking back up to the ceiling.

“If I tell you,” Tim spoke slowly, “promise you won’t hate me?” There came a soft chuckle from the other, Brain pulling himself closer if only to land a gentle kiss onto Tim’s scruff covered cheek.

“Unless you’re gonna tell me you hand washed the cast iron pan,” Brain spoke tiredly with amusement in his voice, “I don’t think I could hate you.”
A smile crowned onto Tim’s lips then. He looked momentarily at the other again, placing a soft kiss atop the other’s forehead before looking to the ceiling once more. How could Brian be joking even when he was half asleep? God, he loved this man so much.