Greetings and Goodbyes

Trapped

I'm trapped in a body I don't want. 

I see those magazines, those aesthetic outfit pings on Instagram, those cute pics of the girls from my school dancing in bikinis on the beach getting high, those boys laughing and cheering as they do cool tricks on their skateboards, those girls who go shopping and can go into those stores with the small sizes and beautiful dresses... I see those skinny beautiful bodies, those flatter chests, smaller waists and long necks and legs. 

I hate my curves, my boobs- they are too big for my bras and baggy shirts. They make me look bigger than I am. I can't wear crop tops because they ride up too quickly and spaghetti straps aren't an option because they dig in too much. Oh god and don't get me started on skirts and dresses, they are just too small and I have to buy bigger sizes so they are below my ass but I can't buy them too big or they slip right off! I am trapped in this body and no matter what I do I can't get rid of it. 

My hips are too wide, and my thighs are too big, I can't wear tights because it's too hard getting them on and off. I have to buy bigger jeans and tracksuits because of the friction between my legs. I have to get bigger jeans and wear belts to keep them up and I can't wear ripped jeans because they make my skin poke out if I have the wrong size. 

EVERYTHING just must be bigger. When I try so hard for it to be smaller...

And I understand that sometimes people just have bigger bodies and grow differently... But why must I have the biggest? 

And why is it so bad? 

I'm trapped in this body and I want out. 

I want a smaller waist, I want a longer face, I want a smaller chest and I want to be able to look in the mirror and think I'm the best. That I'm beautiful. 

But all my proportions are all over the place, and I just can't look at myself any longer. It's too much. 

I'm too much... 

Too much of everything....