Greetings and Goodbyes

Loyalty is hard to come by...

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of suicide, swearing, self hate and physical/mental abuse, if you are sensitive to these please don't go further :) ly ty xx. 

I am loyal. It's just a thing I have always been. I have always known it. 

I've tried to ignore it, when people are toxic and just are bad for me to stay around, I can't leave. I blame it on my loyalty. I will always be there for them even when they hurt me so much that I can't walk because of the bruises or cuts or when they force me to run on empty for their own gain. I just can't not be kind to people. Even after years of a particular someone abusing me mentally and physically, I was still able to love him, after everything he put me through. It took me so long to get over him, and I wasn't even the one to end it. I couldn't because I believed I loved him, I knew he didn't love me but, I thought it wouldn't matter because if I showed him enough love, he would love me back. It hurts, it really hurt, he really hurt me. He left me after like 3 years worth of memories and 'I love you's. I guess I wasn't enough or I was too much for him.

People are mean. It's a common theme for me to see, some are actually nice but it's hard to come by an actually decent person. 

Some people are loyal like me, so unbearably loyal they'll be gunned down multiple times for that one person even though they know it won't change anything. I haven't met anyone like this. Yet. I doubt I'll meet them but, that's okay. I'll wait. 

Now, this is where I start hating myself and wanting to bang my head as hard as I can against a wall until I bleed. I hate being loyal because with what I just said about waiting for this person, I am loyal to someone who I don't even fucking know yet. It's ridiculous, and my fucking god, one of my best friends. She is straight, I'm pansexual, I love her. I really do, and yet even though I know nothing will happen and that she doesn't like me, I will still dive into lava and sacrifice anything and everything for her. I feel like Romeo, with his unrequited love, but I'm not that dramatic and over the top. It sucks. It really sucks. Being loyal has its benefits for others, but being loyal yourself is terrible. 

It's hard. It's really hard and sometimes I feel like I can't trust or get close to anyone because I don't want to be hurt. 

Loyalty is hard to come by. For me I am loyalty, its etched into my skin and folded in my actions. I can't avoid it. I care too much and I struggle to care too little. I just hope that when I meet someone they will treat me like a human, the way I deserve. 

Unless... I deserve to be treated like shit?