That Stupid List

Part Three: Lily

Lily had spent the entire day at St. Mungo's all but in her own world. In what she was sure was the most useless coping mechanism of all time, her brain had chosen to show her memories of her and James- healthy and safe James- while the rest of reality drowned itself out. There were times when she'd wanted to snap out of it, like when James had first woken up and called out to her, but something inside stopped her from doing so. She felt awful, but she wasn't in the mood to argue with her own subconscious. Not with James like this.

The only times she'd been remotely aware of her surroundings was when the Healer had come in to give James a check-up, and then when he had gotten their friends to leave just a few minutes ago. Even now, having already jumped up to get him back into bed and nearly collapsing because of it, she wasn't entirely alert and aware.

That was until James took her face in his hands. And until she'd lifted up her head to look him in the eyes. Instead of the injured demeanor she'd expected, they showed concern; as if he was more worried about her than he was about himself. Those eyes brought her back to the present, and all of the emotions she'd kept at bay since this morning threatened to spill out at once.

"Oh, Lils," He said. He was smiling softly, the way he did whenever she was upset. "Look at you. Seriously love, what's going on?"

You nearly died, that's what's going on! You nearly died and I was the literal last person to find out! I'm your bloody girlfriend and it took nearly 20 hours for someone to tell me you'd been hurt!

Lily would have loved to say all of that out loud, but something inside her knew that if she so much as opened her mouth to speak she'd burst into tears, and today wasn't about her.

"Lily, really," Her boyfriend wasn't smiling anymore. "You're scaring me. Say something, would you?"

All Lily could do was pitch herself forward and lay her head on James' chest. She wrapped her arms around his waist and back as he wrapped his around her. At least now she could cry quietly; maybe he wouldn't notice. A few tears fell down her face.

She heard James sigh. She felt him kiss the top of her head. "Would you at least drink some water?" He asked. "Maybe even eat something?"

Again her emotions threatened to flow if she spoke. Dammit, Lily. Stop this crap! Say something to him! She pulled her arms tighter around him instead.

"Here," James said. He reached for the cup of water on his bedside table and held it in front of her. "Humor me, yeah? Have a drink."

Lily obliged. She sat back up, then took the cup from him and drank what was left. She hadn't meant to finish it, but evidently she was very thirsty.

James smiled again and took the empty cup back. "Feel a little better?"

Lily shrugged. The real answer was no, but she didn't want him to know that.

"Hey." He took her hands in his. "At least tell me you know that I'm alright."

Did she know that? Like, for sure? She nodded anyway.

"No, Lils, I want you to tell me. I wanna hear you say it. I know you aren't exactly in the mood to talk but I need to know that you know that I'm alright; because I don't think you do. I think something is at the front of your mind and it's preventing you from being quite aware of anything else. So can you tell me that you understand that I'm okay?"

Maybe Lily hadn't noticed it before but now James looked... genuinely scared. She felt awful, being unable to do the one thing James wanted her to do. She hated him having to see her like this, but him seeing her cry would be much worse, at least she thought it would be. Her lip trembled even more. The dam threatened to break. Why won't you just tell him?!