Ten Years (A Shoey Fanfic)

Chapter 3

Jane walked out from King Milkshake and looked around aimlessly across the tables.
"Over here!" I called out to her. She made eye contact with me and smiled. Her smile hasn't changed since high school. It was almost as if the rest of her developed to fit that smile better than it had before. She looked stronger, more confident now. Her smile was the sun, and it radiated no matter the circumstances. She ran over to me, her blonde hair bouncing.
"Jane," I stood up and held out my arms, "It's so great to see you."
She jumped into my arms and squeezed me so tight I had to gasp for air.
"You've got...quite the grip, Jane," My words came out in raspy desperate attempts to make words with my diaphragm being crushed.
"No, you're just weak," She handed me a cup, "Order for Mr.Dawson."
"Why thank you," I took a sip, and I gasped out loud.
I shut my eyes and let the shake trickle down my tongue, "I have lived once again."
"You like it?"
"Like it? I love it! I forgot how great these things were. Last time I was here it was... tense. I just couldn't bring myself to come back here after-" I tried so hard to finish the sentence but the words couldn't come out of my mouth. I found this happening often, loosing my words thinking about what happened ten years ago. It's like any time I tried to talk about it I would get flashbacks, and the words would stop as I relieved every ounce of pain I felt that night.
Her expression softened, and her hand rested on my shoulder, "It's okay."
I faked a smile, because even though I knew it wasn't okay I knew Jane was trying, and I didn't want her to feel like she wasn't doing a good enough job. Because in a matter of ten years people stop trying to find ways to make it seem okay because they realize that nothing about any of this is okay. So they just tell you it's okay even though everyone knows it's not. But you still don't want to hear, "No. It's not okay. It will probably never be okay."
"Let's sit," She smiled again, "We've got a lot of catching up to do."
-
-
I woke up confused. I almost forgot what had happened the night before.
"Where am-" I rolled over and the words stopped. Joey lay, breathtakingly beautiful, next to me. His eyes were shut, and the sun glared against his tan skin. He looked so innocent then.
I leaned over and pressed my lips against his forehead.
His eyes fluttered open, "Good morning," He mumbled.
"Good morning," I bit my lip, "I should probably get going.
My mom-"
"No," He grabbed my hand, "Stay. I took care of it."
"What are you talking about? Did you kill my mother?"
"I texted your mom last night, right after you crashed. I told her you were camping with Amy, Alice, and Gregg and you'd be back Sunday afternoon."
"And she just... Let me?"
"Well it took some convincing, but she finally gave in."
"So..." I bit my lip, "We have the whole weekend."
"That's right," He rolled on top of me, his lips grazed my ear sending shivers down my spine, "And we're going to have so much sex."
His lips landed on mine, then he kissed all around my jaw, then down my neck.
"Now?" I whined, "I'm hungry."
He hovered above me. His breath was hot against my neck as he spoke, "Tell me you don't want it."
"I don't want it," It was lie, of course. But I loved seeing the determination in his eyes. I bit my lip trying to pretend that I didn't want all of him right then.
He growled seductively. His lips planted themselves on my chest, leaving a trail down to right above the rim of my boxers.
"J-Joey..."
His fingertips slipped rights under my boxers, "Tell me no."
I loved seeing him this way. I loved seeing him act up because of me. It was hot. It was really hot, actually. But it was also very hard to resist.
"N-no," I stuttered.
"Oh really?" He smirked, his fingers trailed farther into my boxers. His fingers grazed my penis, and I gasped.
I bit my lip and avoided eye contact, "Joey Graceffa," I said sternly.
His hand wrapped around my penis, "What do I have to do to get you, right here and right now?"
I looked at him, "Beg for it."
"Are you really going to make me? Shane, I am not usually the one that begs."
"Well if you want me, you will." I was astonished by my new found braveness. Maybe it was the feeling or being wanted by someone as amazing as Joey.
"Please," His hand moved up and down my penis slowly, "Please, Shane Dawson. I want you... So bad."
I couldn't take it anymore. I needed him. I let out a soft moan, "You can have me.
"Good," He purred.
-
"So, what brings you here? I mean, working here. What happened to your big dreams of starting your own clothing line?"
"Oh, I messed up bad, Shane. I graduated high school a mess. I went into college, and that's when my anxiety kicked in. It was the biggest fashion designing college in the country, and seeing how talented everyone else was..."
"You were just as talented, Jane. Your designs were stellar."
"I see that now, but I was just so lost. I dropped out, lived with my parents for a while. I was really, really lost. I started drinking every chance I had, which was always." I couldn't help but be in shock. The perfect angel that everyone loved, a washed up college drop out. Everyone expected that if anyone was getting out of this town, it was her.
"Do you regret it?"
"I did. I got wasted every night trying to forget. But once I realized what was done was done, and I put it all behind me. I got a job here and... I met a guy."
"You met a guy?" I gasped, "Tell me everything."
She smiled lightly, "His name is John. We met here, actually. He was gorgeous, to say the least. I made sure I looked amazing when he came up,"
"You always look amazing," I noted, and it was true. Jane was not only hot like Amanda or Sally, but she was glowing. Everything about, inside and out, shone.
She blushed, "Thank you, Shane. When he came up he ordered a cookies and cream shake, and I thought of you. So I told him about my friend who always ordered a cookies and cream milkshake, and how it had been ten years since I last saw you. I told him how much we helped each other grow. He told me that he would love to hear about you, and no one was there so I told everything. And he seemed so interested. We laughed a lot, and when I started to cry... He grabbed my hand and told me it was okay. Well two hours later, I finally gave him his shake, and he asked me for my number. We fell in love over you, Joey."
It was a lot to take in. In some way, I was flattered, "I'd like to give myself credit for your relationship."
"You already have it, speaking of which..." She held up her hand, revealing a shimmering ring on her finger.
"Jane! Congratulations!" I grabbed her hand from across the table.
"Thanks," She blushed brightly, "I need to tell you something."
"Anything."
"Okay, so I was talking to John last night. He told me that if for some reason I stumbled into the man that brought us together, to formally invite you to our wedding... And to be one of his grooms men."
I couldn't help but smile. Through all this pain it helped to know something good came out of it. Jane deserved this. "It would be an honor."
"Yay! I can't wait to tell him the great news!" She ran around the table and gave me a hug, "You know, you can bring a date to this wedding. Any special someone who might want to join you?"
My heart sunk a little, "I'm not seeing someone."
"Oh," she frowned, "You'll find someone."
I wanted to tell her I found someone, but he couldn't make it to the wedding, and that was true.
"Jane, I haven't been with someone for ten years."
-
"You're incredible, you know that?" He laid his head on my chest.
"I could say the say the same about you."
"I could do this all day," He murmured.
"As great as that sounds, I'm starving."
"Oh right, I promised to feed you," He groaned as he stood up and proceeded to slip on his clothes from last night.
"Are you going to eat naked?" He smirked.
"No," I slowly got up, "I'm getting dressed."
"I wouldn't mind, but I don't think I'd be able to focus on my food."
I picked my pants off the ground the slid them on, "Am I that distracting?"
"You have no idea."
I smiled as I pulled my shirt over my head. It gave me butterflies all over my body thinking I could have the sort of effect on him. It was exhilarating.
Joey grabbed my hand and my heart skipped a beat. There was something about holding hands that got to me. You can have sex with anyone, but you don't just hold hands with people you don't care about.
"I think," He spoke as he led me out of the bedroom, "We may have pancake mix in the pantry."
"Ooh, making pancakes together? How romantic."
He left a kiss on my forehead, "Only the best for you. I'm going to make sure this is the best weekend of your life." I forced a smile at that. I was so happy we had this weekend, but what about after? Joey wouldn't come out just because of me. I tried not to think about how this weekend could be our only weekend
It has been two days since I first saw him, and I'm already falling hard for Joey Graceffa.
He walked me through the living room and into the kitchen. The kitchen was adorable. The tile was red and white checkered. There was a ceramic chicken cookie jar sitting on the white counter tops.
I looked around in awe as Joey opened the cherry wood cabinets.
"Bad news," He took out the box of pancake mix, "It's three years expired."
"Can we still eat it?" I said as my stomach let out a loud growl.
"If you want food poisoning. And I don't really want to bang a guy with food poisoning."
"Damn," I sighed, "So now what?"
"Well," He walked over and wrapped his arms around my back, "How about this. There's a grocery store nearby. We pick up some pancake mix, some bacon, and eggs. And then we will make a feast okay?"
"I'd rather have hash browns over eggs."
"Your picky," He kissed my cheek, "But it's cute."
"You th-think I'm cute?" I stammered.
He gave me a funny look, "Of course I do. I also think your funny, kind, hot," He pressed his cheek against mine and whispered in my ear, "And really, really, good in bed."
I blushed, "I thought maybe I was just your weekend sex toy."
He shrugged, "I've never spent a whole weekend with just one person before."
"Really?" I couldn't help but feel something about that. This had to be different, we did. I mean, he was gay. I was his first boy and now he's spending the whole weekend with me. I blushed at the thought.
"The uh, breakfast thing sounds nice."
He left a peck on my lips, "Awesome. I'll get the car started."
"Wait... You're not... open. Aren't you worried someone will see us?"
"We're like thirty minutes outside of town. Trust me, no one will be there."
"Okay... I'll just go grab my phone."
He gave me a kiss before saying, "I'll meet you in the car."
I smiled shyly and watched him head out before going back to the room. My phone sat on the bedside table. Next to it was a photo of Joey around age seven hugging a red teddy bear.
"Aw," I said to myself. I picked up my phone and took a picture of it before leaving.
As I headed to the door I scrolled through my missed calls and texts. One text from mom. One missed call from mom. Eighteen missed calls from Gregg and thirty six unread messages. If I didn't know better I'd think Gregg was my mom.
Gregg: Shaneeeeeeee!!! When are you going to give us that video? Text me!!
Gregg: Hello? Earth to Shane?
Gregg: "Hey. We'd like to get the video up before Monday. Where are you?
I scrolled to the most recent message that I got only two minutes ago.
Gregg: Fuck it. We're on our way to your house.
Oh God. He can't go there, he'd find out, my mom would find out, and I'd have to reveal Joey's secret. I couldn't do that to him. I won't do that to him.
I dialed him so quickly my fingers would accidentally hit the wrong buttons, and I'd have to start over. I cursed under my breath.
I impatiently listened to the ringing.
"Fucking pick up asshole!" I murmured into the phone.
"Hey, look who finally picked up. We were just about to head to your house."
"No!" I borderline shouted.
"Dude, calm down. Something wrong?"
"Uh, I'm not home. I was uh, camping... With my mom. No one's home."
"Why the hell didn't you tell us that yesterday? We would have just taken the camera off your hands then." An image appeared in my mind of me throwing the memory card out Joey's car window.
Fuck, I thought.
"About that, you're going to hate me."
"Hate you? I could never hate you," He spoke sincerely.
"I forgot to press record," I tried not to make the lie sound incredibly obvious. I was never a good liar. When I was younger, and I stole cookies from the cookie jar, I would look up to my mother, cookies surrounding my lips, and tell her it was the elephant who lived in my room. Nice one, Shane.
"You're right," He sighed, "I absolutely hate you."
"I'm sorry. I can't really talk right now, but I promise to make it up to you."
"Alright..."
"So, uh. I'll see you Monday."
"Bye, Shane. Hope you have fun spending the rest of your weekend in a thin tent in the middle of the woods with no one near by to hear your screams!" He spoke cheerily.
"Alright, will do. See ya."
I hung up the phone before he could say anything else. I didn't like lying to Gregg, but it's not like I could tell the truth. I couldn't do that to Joey.
I ran outside to the car and tried to forget about the whole thing, I'd face it Monday. Until then I had to focus on having the time of my life with Joey.
"Hey," Joey said as I got into his car, "What took you so long?"
"Gregg called."
"Oh, what'd you tell him?"
"I forgot to press record... And I was on a camping trip with my mom."
"Wow. Way to be original."
"What? What did you want me to say... Lie credit to Joey?"
He sighed, "So now what? Your camping with your friends and your mom?"
"Hopefully they won't talk to each other about it," I shrugged.
"Shane," He whined, "You really didn't think this through."
"I panicked, Joey! What was I supposed to say?"
"I don't know," He sighed,
"What if-"
I grabbed his hand, "They won't find out." I rubbed circles in the back of his hand, "I promise. If it all falls apart, I'll make something else up. I will tell a million lies until you feel comfortable enough to come out yourself, I promise you."
He nodded, "You swear you'll make sure no one finds out?"
"I swear."
"Okay," He turned the car on and gave my hand a squeeze, "I trust you, and I don't want to worry about it. All I want is to make these next two days absolutely amazing with you." I smiled at him.
He smiled back, and then headed on the road. He held my hand as he drove.
"Turn on the radio?" He asked.
"Yes sir," I reached over and pressed the on button on the radio. I almost laughed as I Wanna Know What Love Is blared through the speakers.
"Again?" He laughed, "Maybe this can be our song."
I smiled, "I'd like that, our own song."
"I Wanna Know what Love is! I want you to show me!" He belted out horribly.
"Oh my God, Joey," I buried my head in my hands.
"I'm sorry, what was that? Sing louder?"
"Nooo," I whined.
"Alright, whatever you say," He said before belting the lyrics again. I couldn't help but laugh. He was so cute. And in that moment I tried so hard to find a flaw, but I couldn't find one. Actually, there was one. His fatal flaw- he wasn't open, and he wouldn't be for a long time. I tried not to think about it, but how could I not?
"Here," He said as soon as the song ended, "We're here. Let's get some pancake mix, shall we?"
"Don't forget the bacon," I said as I got out of his car.
"And the hash browns, I know."
He walked behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I couldn't help but blush.
"In public? But-"
"They don't know me here. I want to feel like myself for once."
"You deserve to feel like that everyday."
His arms fell off my waist, "Shane,
I-"
"I know," I sighed and grabbed his hand, "It's okay."
"Thank you," He whispered as we walked into the grocery store. I didn't respond. Instead, I slowly rubbed my thumb into the back of his hand.
"Welcome to Grocery Land! Would you like a sticker?" An elderly man in a green shirt with the words "Grocery Land: The best bargains in America!"
"N-" Joey started.
"Yes!" I interrupted.
The man chuckled and peeled a sticker off, then handed it to me. It was a green sticker with the logo and a smiley face.
"Thank you, sir."
"Have a good day, boys!" He smiled before we walked further into the store. It was your average store with white tiles and white ceilings and white racks that reached the ceiling, displaying all sorts of food items
I placed the sticker in the middle of Joey's forehead, "You're a cutie."
He smiled weakly at me, "Thanks."
"Are you okay?"
"I-" He shook his head, "That old man, besides you, was like the first person I came out to. And he didn't criticize me... he smiled at me."
"Everyday more and more people are becoming accepting to gays. There's always going to be people who give you a hard time, Joey, but there's also always people who care," I kissed his cheek gently.
"I just don't know if I can deal with the hate, Shane," He sounded so broken it shattered my heart to hear. I just wanted to help him.
"Hey, chin up. You don't have to come out right now. You can do it when you're ready."
He nodded at me, "Thank you."
"You're welcome, but I'm starving," I kissed his cheek, "Let's go get that pancake mix."
"Follow me, I know where it is."
-
-
"So, this is my number. I'll text you everything about the wedding," She handed me a piece of paper with a scribble of numbers that you could tell was written quickly, "And...hey, we should hang out again."
"Thanks," I took the crumpled piece of paper and put it in my wallet, "And yeah, I miss you."
"I miss you too," Her thin fingers brushed my shoulder, "Also, I'm sorry to ask you but, why are you in such a hurry? I just wished we would have had more time to talk."
"I uh," I ran my fingers through my hair nervously, "I just think you should get back to work."
"It's been ten years, Shane. Forget work. What's really going on?"
I let out a sigh. She deserved to know, "The letters."
"The ones that-"
"Yeah."
"Shane, I'm so sorry. But why are you out and about? What do the letters have to do with anything."
I reached into the glove compartment and gently grabbed the folded yellow paper, trying not to damage it. I handed it to her, and I looked away as soon as her eyes started scanning the lines.
"You don't have to do this," She shook her head at me.
"But I do, don't you see? It's all I have."
"No it's not! You have me, and Alice, and Amy. You have your friends, your family. We love you."
"No amount of love for me could equal what I felt for him," I felt the tears begin to find their way to my eyes, but I tried not to let them come out. Oh God, please don't come out. I bit my lip and tried to steady my breath, but there was no use because once the tears started they never stopped.
"It's been ten years, Shane! Get a hold of your life before you lose your grip completely," Her voice was thundering as she choked back tears, "I know what's like! It almost happened to me! And this-" She pointed at the paper tattooed in Joey's beautiful hand writing, "This is holding you back."
"It feels like just yesterday, I try so hard, Jane. I try so hard, but-"
"But it's the letters. How can you move on with these haunting your mind everyday?"
"It's not!" I shouted desperately.
"You're in denial too! You know what I say is true," She moved her fingers to the top of the page, "To hell with them." And before I could realize what she was doing, the page was torn right down the middle.
My heart and my mind and every god damn bone in my body exploded at that moment. My ears rang, my blood ran cold. There, one of the only things of Joey I possessed, torn in half by somebody I called one of my best friends. How could she?
I let out some sort of mix between a yell and groan. I couldn't find words in my head as I saw Joey's written words lay on the rugged pavement.
"Shane, I-"
"No!" I jumped out of the car and snatched up the sad two halves of paper. I held them close to my chest as if losing them meant I would lose me, and maybe I would.
"Shane, I'm so sorry. I just thought-"
"Thought what? Thought it would help?" My voice cracked, "It didn't."
"I don't know what I was thinking."
"You weren't thinking. You know what, fuck it. Goodbye, Jane." I climbed back into the car and slammed the door before she could say anything else. I couldn't look at her anyway. I shouldn't have wasted my time.
I pulled out of the parking lot and continued on the road.
-
The scent of breakfast foods filled the air in the kitchen as our breakfast at noon feast was being prepared. We would have got home at ten but we got a little distracted on the way home and had to pull over.
"You know I've done it in a car before, but never in broad daylight. Maybe you're becoming worse than me," Joey said as he flipped a pancake.
"It wasn't my idea, actually. I just didn't necessarily oppose the idea."
"Your right, you just drive me crazy," He set the pan down and wrapped his arms around my waist. His lips grazed the side of my neck.
"Joey," I blushed, "Don't you have pancakes to be making?"
"I've made 15," He groaned, "How much are we going to eat?"
"Joey, today we have done four things. We woke up, had sex, went to the grocery store, then had sex again. You have to let me eat, and as great and amazing as the sex is I don't think I can take anymore this morning."
His arms fell of my waist, "Sorry. It's just the weekend isn't long enough and-"
"Shh," I pressed my lips against his.
"Shane-"
"Stop. We're not talking about the weekend ending. Not right now."
"I just wish-"
"Lalalalala!" I shoved my fingers in my ears, blocking out the sound of Shane's voice.
I could tell he was trying to say something so I chanted louder, "Lalalalala!"
I felt his hands touch my hips, and I ran to the other side of the counter. I watched as he shook his head, then proceeded to jump over the counter. His arms wrapped around my chest as pulled me close to him. He grabbed my wrists and pulled them out of my ears.
"You're so childish," He turned me around in his arms, "It's cute." His lips pressed down against mine, and I wrapped my hands around his neck.
His tongue found its way into my mouth and he pulled me closer to him. I tangled my fingers into his hair as I deepened the kiss.
"Are you sure you don't want to?" He whined against my lips.
The oven responded in a sharp beeping noise, "Yes. But I'm sure I want to eat, and that's the last of it."
"Why do you do this to me, Shane?"
"Because it's so much fun," I said as I pulled the bacon out of the oven.
"No, seriously. I don't get it. No one has done this to me before. Anytime I get a new sex partner and they tease I drop them like a rock. But when you do it, I feel something. My heart becomes flame. You drive me crazy, Shane Dawson."
My heart slammed against my chest at the words. "I'm sure it's because every other person you slept with was a female."
His hand made its way to my cheek. Lightly his finger traced my cheekbone, "Something tells me it's more than that."
More. More than sex, that's what he thought this was. And I thought it to. But I don't know how well I could hide a relationship while he slept with countless women to look straight.
I just looked at my feet.
"You feel it too, don't you?"
"I-"
"But your worried about how I haven't exactly said anything about my sexuality yet. I know you are."
"I-" I tried again.
"No," His fingers stroked my hair, "Don't speak." His lips pressed lightly against mine and goosebumps sunk into my skin. His touch, so gentle, threw me into a mix of emotions. I wanted to cry and laugh and kiss him until I stopped breathing.
"Let's dig into this breakfast, shall we?" He said as he pulled away.
I smiled weakly.
-
-
"Is that all?" The red headed lady bagging my groceries asked as she began to put my single roll of tape into a bag labeled Grocery Land.
"Yeah. And no need for the bag, I can carry it."
"Sure," She handed me the roll of tape, and I took it from her hands. I nodded in thanks and started heading out the door. In the corner of my eye, I saw seventeen year old me kissing Joey's cheek telling him that people would accept him for who he was. I even saw the Grocery Land sticker on his forehead, the same one I wore on my shirt right now. I smiled at the memory.
"Excuse me," An elderly man spoke from behind. His voice shook me out of my thoughts and I realized I was blocking the door.
"Sorry," I mumbled and stepped out of the way. He proceeded through the automatic doors, and I followed him.
When I reached my car, I climbed in and opened the glove box. I reached my hand in and took out the two halves of yellow paper. I fumbled with the tape, and attempted to fix what Jane had done.
"Sorry Joey," I muttered to myself, "It's not perfect, but it's better."
I examined the paper, now sloppily placed together with multiple pieces of tape.
The letters were still in his handwriting, but it wasn't the same. The two halves of his a's weren't connected, and no matter how hard I looked at it or tried to picture it whole, it wasn't the same.
I folded the paper, except now it was more difficult because the tape defied the motion.
I thought about Jane. I thought about how she tore Joey's written words into shreds and watched as they floated miserably to the ground, like the last petal on of rose turning the beautiful flower into nothing but thorns.
I thought about Jane, and as always, I thought about Joey.
-
-
"If you don't want to have sex again, what do you want to do?" Joey wrapped his arm across my chest. I shivered at his touch.
"Well as we just had sex for the third time today, something else. For my sake."
"Oral doesn't count as sex, so we technically still only had sex two times," He pointed out.
"I barely had time to put up my plate before you practically pounced on me. Do you ever do anything but seduce?"
"What do you mean?" His hand slowly moved up and down my chest.
I sighed and grabbed his hand, "You're doing it again."
"I'm sorry? I thought you wanted this," He sounded confused, and I almost felt bad for him. Had he ever known what it was like to love? Given, I haven't really either. But I have a good idea of what is, and it's more than just really kick ass sex.
I turned onto my other side to face him, "I do want this. But it's not all I want, and I'm not like you. I don't have sex all the time."
"Doesn't seem like it," He smirked, his forehead pressed against mine as he whispered into my ear.
I pushed him in the shoulder, a little to harshly.
"Ow! What the fuck?"
"Oh! Oh my God, sorry. I was trying to prove a point!"
He rubbed his shoulder in slow circles, "Point made. What do you suggest we do?"
"I don't know have you ever been on like... A date?"
He gave me a puzzled look, "I fingered a girl in the back row of a movie theatre once.
I almost laughed at how oblivious he was. It was kinda cute. It was like I was teaching him something. "No, not like that. Like a real, cute, no sex, date."
"Well have you?"
"Well, no. But I watch a lot of movies, and I read Harry Styles fanfiction." I can't believe I said it.
"What?" He let out a laugh.
"Nothing," I blushed.
"No, no, no. Say that again?" He raised an eyebrow and smirked.
"Don't make me say it, okay? It slipped, I didn't mean to-"
"Give me your phone."
"No!" I grabbed my phone and held it tight against me.
"Fine, you asked for it." Before I could say a word, he flipped me into my back and began tickling my stomach.
"Stop!" I cried out laughing. I tried to hold onto my phone, but I could feel my fingers slipping. In desperation, I kicked my feet wildly and struggled to turn onto my stomach.
I felt my foot hit some part of Joey's body, and I managed to flip over putting my phone underneath my stomach.
His hand slipped under me, and yanked my phone from my hands.
"Joey!" I squealed. I reached for it, but he already jumped off the bed and started going through my phone.
"Oo, I found one? Is this smut-"
I hopped off the bed and tried to tackle him, but he dodged out of the way.
"Harry moaned deeply as-"
"Stop!" I threw my arm around him and yanked my phone out with the other hand.
"You're blushing," He said in awe.
"I'm so embarrassed."
"No, I think it's cute your into that stuff."
"It's mortifying."
"No, it's adorable," He kissed my forehead, "I have something to show you." He reached for his phone at the beside table.
"What do you want to show me? You probably have viral sex tapes, and I read Harry Styles fanfiction."
"No, my sex tape never made it that far."
"You actually have a sex tape?" I gasped.
"Yeah. It was with Amanda. We wanted to see if people at school would buy it for money. It was an experimental thing. People didn't want to buy it because if they wanted to see of us have sex it wasn't that difficult."
"Slut," I muttered under my breath.
"What?" He tilted his head up from his phone screen.
"Uh, nothing." He rolled his eyes.
"Anyway, that's not what I wanted to show you-" He held his phone at to me, "This is what I wanted to show you."
I gasped aloud at what was glaring off his phone screen. I yanked it out of his hands to get a closer look. I laughed and shook my head in disbelief, "You run a tumblr five seconds of summer fan page?"
"Yes," He admitted, "Now we're even."
I grabbed his hands and gave him a quick kiss, "I guess we are."
"So, about that date thing?"
"Oh, right. So, while we were out the grocery store I bought some things not breakfast food related."
"More condoms? We're running a little short."
"Oh, no. But do you think we have enough?"
"Probably," He shrugged, "Anyway. What is it? Sex toys? I didn't think you were into that stuff but if you are-"
"No, no, no," I shook my head, "I bought popcorn and..."
"Oh God, what romantic chick flick did you buy?"
"The Notebook."
He shook his head in disbelief, "You stereotypical bastard."
"Mmhmm," I bit my lip, "And you are going to watch it all the way through."
"No baby please don't make do this."
The sound of him calling me baby made my heart flutter but I couldn't let it show so I bit my lip again, "Without even reaching second base."
"No," He shook his head.
"Yes."
"No, no, no! I refuse!"
"Fine, guess you won't get your surprise tonight."
His expression changed, "Woah, woah, woah, wait. What's the surprise?"
"Well," I walked so close to him our chests touched, "We're going to have sex, and we're not stopping. It's our last night together, I don't want to spend one minute of it not being with you. We will do," I trailed my fingers up his chest, "Anything and everything there is to do."
"Holy shit," He mumbled.
I took my hand off his chest, "So, what do you say? Want a little Nicholas Sparks in your life?"
-
-
One thing about Joey was he was a master of words. Give him a dictionary, and he could spin it into the most fascinating thing you have ever read.
That's what was so painful about seeing the torn letter. You see, it wasn't just seeing Joey's handwriting, the curvature of the letters so familiar to me, be torn in half, but it was seeing something he created go to waste.
Joey was a creator. He invented new worlds, new people, new ideas. And every land, every man, every thought he created was full of love and joy and created a sense that there was no reason to feel alone or worse than anyone else. In Joey's worlds it doesn't matter your sexuality, your race, your religion, the only thing that mattered was that you loved and you continued to love up until the the end of your life, and if there's anything after that, you love then.
I love. I love my family. I love my friends. I love Joey. I love Joey, and I love his mind, and I love the way he would say my name and the way he'd say I love you. I love him, and I love how he taught me how to love and love more and never stop loving. He taught me not to hates the ones I should hate most, I can't hate my dad who left me when I was six, I can't hate the kids who'd shove me into the lockers and call me a faggot. I could only love. Because in Joey's head the lack of love was the only thing that caused cruelty. I didn't know if I believed him, but I wanted to. And I tried to, I still try to, but not lately.
I glanced at the sheet of yellow paper and could hear my voice yelling at someone I called a friend, and I love my friends. And I love Joey and Joey told me to love. He told me that people make mistakes but you have to keep loving and never stop.
I could almost hear him telling me that forgiveness was a bliss and grudges were what caused faults in love. And what possibly was more important than love?
"Damn, Joey. Why do you have to be so good?" I murmured to myself the same sentence I asked far too often.
I reached out into my pocket and pulled out my wallet. The crumpled piece of paper lay right behind my favorite picture of Joey and I. I smiled at it briefly, but it was replaced by sorrow.
I reached into my other pocket for my phone and began to type the number into the phone.
I waited as the phone rang.
"Hi, this is Jane. John- quit!" She laughed, "I'm trying to record!" I heard a mumble in the background, and she laughed again- "Leave a message!" She squealed before the recording stopped.
I smiled at the sound of her being so happy. That's what I always wanted for her. That's what she always wanted for me, and I shouldn't hate her because I didn't end up happy like her. All she was trying to do was help, although she did a pretty shitty job.
"Hey, Jane. First of all, you sounded so happy in your voicemail. I'm so glad you are that happy. I know what that feels like, and if anyone deserves it, it's you. Look, I know I snapped at you before. I'm sorry. I'm really looking forward to attending your wedding, I'm sure you'll look beautiful," I stopped talking. I felt like there was more I should say, but I didn't know what so I let the dead silence fill the recording for a few seconds.
"I love you, Jane. And Joey taught me to love and keep loving and never stop loving. I should have talked to you in the past ten years instead of cutting you off, but I hope now is the time to change that."
That's when I hung up the call.
Joey was a creator. He created me.
-
-
Through my blurry eyes, I glanced at Joey. And as suspected, I saw him sobbing. I almost laughed, but I held it in. Still, a small giggle escaped my lips.
"This isn't funny," He spoke in between sobs.
"It's kind of funny. What happened to this movie is going to suck ass?"
"It does suck ass, it's just really sad!" He chocked back another sob.
"You love it, don't lie to me."
"Yes, damn it!" He put his head into my shoulder, "Now shut the fuck up and hold me."
I laughed lightly and wrapped my arms around him.
"Make me feel better, "He mumbled into my shoulder, vibrating my skin.
"In a sense, it's kind of a happy ending."
He perked his head up, "What?"
"They died together. Not enough people get that privilege."
"In my world they do," He spoke barely above a whisper.
"What?"
"I have this vision of this perfect world. It's stupid, but in my head I like to imagine it."
"Take me there," I said as I stroked his hair.
"Well, it's not real yet. But I think it could be. It's nothing ridiculous like free ice cream and pizza, even though that would be awesome. This world is actually possible, and I believe one day we'll achieve this perfect world, and I promise to take you there."
"Well, if you can't take me right now, how about you tell me about it?"
I watched as a smile grew across his face and his eyes wondered, as if he was visiting his own dream land there right now.
"You want to know about my world?" He said in the faintest tone, "I think you'll like it."
"Joey, it would be my pleasure to hear all about it. I have to know what to expect right?" I smiled at him as he daydreamed. We needed more dreamers like Joey. Maybe then people would know how to-
"Love," He said. It was as if he was reading my exact thoughts. "Everyone would love, and everyone would be loved. You would love everyone. You would love them no matter their beliefs, their sexuality, their race, you would just love them, and none of those small things would matter. The people aren't perfect, but we embrace them and their mistakes and continue to love. It's a world where you and me could hold hands in public, and no one would care."
I bent down and kissed him so passionately I could feel my heart twisting. I didn't know if I believed in that world, but listening to Joey I wanted nothing more but to give him that world he dreamed of. I may have not known if I believed in that world he was telling me about, but I believed in him and I believed in us. In that moment I knew that if we tried hard enough we could make this work.
When I pulled away I asked, "How do we get this world?"
"We love, and we keep loving, and we never stop loving."
I kissed him again, harder and more passionate than the first time. But this time, I didn't pull away.
-
-
I waited in the parking lot for her to call me back. I'd keep telling myself I was going to leave, but it didn't seem right. I had to talk to her first.
In the mean time I had stopped back inside and grabbed a bottle of coke. When I payed the lady asked, "Back so soon?"
And I responded with, "Just waiting for a friend."
It was kind of true. I missed having friends. I cut most them off ten years ago. Not completely, of course. They still call and check on me sometimes. We have small talk. I ask them how they're doing, they say good and talk about their lives a bit. Then they ask me how I'm doing, I say good but I don't talk about my life for two reasons. 1. They know I'm not good 2. They already know I don't have a reason to back up why my life is good because they know it's not. So, the conversation typically doesn't last long. But I have to admit that it is nice. It makes me feel like maybe things never really changed. However, things did change. Everything changed. It was me who hadn't changed.
Stuck in the past, nostalgia, whatever you wanted to call it, I had it bad. I wanted to go back to the days when I'd drink milkshakes with my friends and go to the coffee shop with Joey. I missed being young and care free. But mostly, I missed being happy. And wasn't that the one thing Joey wanted for me? To be happy?
"Sorry, Joey. I'm not doing a great job, am I?"
I wanted to feel his hand on my shoulder telling me I'd be okay, but I felt nothing and heard nothing so I remained sad.
My phone began to ring and it shook me out of my thoughts.
I fumbled to answer it.
"Shane? I got your message. I'm sorry I didn't get it any sooner. I'm sorry about what I did. I hope you can forgive me. I really want us to be friends."
"I do too, and that's why I forgive you. As long as you forgive me."
"I would really like that, Shane," I could see her smile even though she wasn't here and ultimately that made me smile as well.
"Good. Well, I should be on my way."
"You're still going to go?"
"Yeah, look I have to-"
"No, stop. It's okay. You have to do what you have to do. I just want you to know I support you no matter what."
"Thank you, Jane." I meant it.
"I'm always here for you, all of us are. Good luck, Shane."
-
-
Six a.m. That was the time when Joey and I finally decided that neither of us could handle anymore. It was amazing. The entire weekend was amazing. Joey was amazing. I tried to myself this wasn't ending, but I knew it was. All good things must come to an end, right?
"I could love you," Joey whispered to me at exactly 6:03.
"You could love me?" I rubbed his hand.
"Yes," He rolled over and wrapped his arm around my waist, "I could love you. I could love you if I had the chance to love you."
I wanted to tell him he did, but I knew he wouldn't believe. He chose to stay in the closet throughout high school. I wasn't changing his mind.
I chose to stay silent.
"You deserve everything," He mumbled into my neck.
"Not everything in the world is good, Joey," I reminded him.
"I didn't say it was. I said you deserve everything. You deserve love and happiness of course, but you deserve more than that. You deserve pain because you loved someone so much that it hurts you. You deserve grief because you love someone enough that if anything goes wrong it crushes you. You deserve to experience every emotion with someone because your love is so strong. You deserve everything, Shane Dawson, good and bad."
"I want that with you," I murmured under my breath.
"I do too. I want to give you everything."
"So why don't you?" I found myself raising my voice.
"You know why," He shook his head.
I crawled out from under his arm, angered at what he was saying. "But I don't understand! If you want to give me everything, and you say you could love me why don't you try? Are you saying the names you'll get called are holding you back? So what is it? Is it your pride, perhaps your reputation, that's more important than me?" I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth. I wanted him, and I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to stay with me.
"No, it's not. I can't explain it, but fear holds me back, and you deserve someone who isn't scared to love you."
"I could help you," I grabbed his hand, "I could help you get stronger. It's hard, but once you come out-"
"I am never coming out!" He shouted, and it took the words out of my mouth. I gasped because words were suddenly unable to form words. Joey had yelled, and his voice echoed throughout the room. Tears began to well in my eyes, but I fought so hard to prevent them from coming out.
So this was it. All I needed was conformation, and this was it. Joey and I were never going to be together.
"Shane," His voice transformed to a hushed whisper, "I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me but the idea of coming out scares me. It's not you, Shane. I'm just scared."
I choked back the tears, "I know you're scared. I just-" That's when the tears came out. I couldn't stop them. I tried so hard, but they kept coming. All good things must come to an end.
He quickly pulled me into his arms, and I buried my head in my chest. I took in his scent. I took in his embrace and the feeling of his hand stroking the back of my hair. I never wanted to forget any of it.
And that's how it was for two hours. I cried into his chest as the sun began to peek through the darkness. This was it, the goodbye I was dreading since that Saturday morning when I found out I had the entire weekend with Joey.
At eight the alarm clock began screaming as if to tell us to finish our goodbyes because I had to go now. It was the alarm I had set that signified the end of this, the end of us.
"Shane-"
"I know."
He kissed my head lightly, and then tilted up my chin.
"I believe in a world where one day where can be together."
I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand, "I'll be waiting there for you."
Slowly, his hand cupped my cheek and his lips met mine. He parted my lips with his.
I knew that the slowness of it and the extreme passion only meant one thing. It meant that this was our last kiss.
The thought of it made me want to cry again, but I stayed strong.
I let my right hand work his way into his beautiful hair, and I deepens the kiss. I did everything in my power to let this kiss tell him everything I felt.
I never wanted any of this to end.
All good things must come to an end, I told myself again. The words only made my heart hurt worse.
Slowly, his lips parted away from mine. His hand still remained on my cheek and our foreheads touched. His breath was heavy, and so was mine.
One last time he bent down and kissed me again, but this time he pulled away faster.
"You make it so hard to leave," I said weakly.
"Don't forget about this, Shane. Remember me and the way I tasted against your lips and the way I say your name."
"I'd be crazy to forget the way you made me feel, the way your fingers laced with mine, and the way you held me close. How could I possibly forget how absolutely incredible you are?"
"God," He shook his head, "I don't want you to go."
I smiled weakly, "Neither do I."
"But one day," He took both my hands, "You're going to find someone who treats you amazing and never lets you go. Wether it's me or some other lucky guy, you're going to find him. And you're going to feel everything and be happier than you ever have."
"You will too, Joey."
He gave me a weak nod as if he didn't believe me. But I knew it was true.
"It won't be like this on Monday. Things aren't going to be the same between us. Things are going to change, Shane."
-
-
He said he wanted someone to give me love and happiness and pain and grief. Little did he know, he gave me all that in a single weekend.
He also told me things were going to change. That was actually the last thing he said to me that weekend before he drove me home. He said things weren't going to be the same between us.
Deep down, I knew things were going to change. I just didn't know how much.