Ten Years (A Shoey Fanfic)

Chapter 1

It was times like this that I thought about him most. When the sun blazed against the sidewalk in which children rode up and down on their bikes. Everyone let out sighs of relief when the slightest gust of wind blew.
People were talking about their lives, and I sat in the corner table of the coffee shop, staring out the window. The weather. My lonesomeness. The children. It reminded me all too much of the first day of my senior year in high school. The first day that I met Joey.
It all seems like so much longer then ten years ago. I wish I could go back and change things. But many attempts have failed the idea of time travel, and I am left with this nostalgia.
"Shane," I hear the barista say my name. I sit up from the table of two that is only seating one to pick up my mocha. It's the same table I've sat at for ten years. But it didn't only used to just seat one.
I nodded in thanks and headed out to my car. I knew exactly where I was going but I had no idea how I was getting there.
I was thinking so much of Joey that if I were to drive I'd be scared of wrecking.
Joey Graceffa. I can still see his face as I walked into my new school for the first time.
-
My palms were sweaty. I kept wiping them on my jeans but it didn't help. I wish I would have done my hair different. I don't think it looks good. Everyone here has such good hair. Not everyone had good hair at my old school. They had normal hair. Not that these people's hair is weird, but it's like the hair of a god.
Especially one guy in particular. He stood with his hand on the locker, smirking at some girl who seemed to be giggling a little too much. His smile was glowing, it was impossible to miss him.
Too sum it all up, he was beautiful. And I was in awe.
I knew I was gay already, but I still shocked myself every time I thought these things about a guy. I mean, if I could find vaginas bangable I would switch to being straight in a heartbeat. Except, I like penises. So that's a problem.
"Move out of the fucking way, faggot." Someone shoved me, and I realized I was standing in the middle of the hallway.
"Sorry," I murmured and headed over to my locker.
Locker 365, where are you?
I felt my chest slam into someones arm, and I bounced back.
"Sorry, sorry!" I looked up, and I lost my breath. It was the godly boy.
"Right, yeah. It's whatever."
"Yeah... Um, so. I think you're on my locker."
"Oh, right. Sorry," His eyes were locked into mine and my heart excelled. He moved out of the way, not breaking the gaze.
Awkwardly, I started turning the knob to open my locker. Out of the corner of my eye I watched him, though. He had his hands planted on the girls waist, now. And I let out a loud sigh on accident. I knew he was straight, but I still held on to hope.
I continued to watched as I put my books in my locker. I looked away as he pressed his lips against hers.
I slid my backpack off my shoulder to take out certain folders, and then slid the bag into my locker.
A large banging sound made me jump, and nearly shut my finger in my locker.
"Fuck," I murmured and gripped my finger.
My eyes darted to the noise, the boy had slammed the girl against the locker, and they began to make out passionately.
Her legs were wrapped against his waist. You could see their tongues fighting their way into each other's mouths. His hands were gripping her breast from under her shirt.
Uncomfortably I cleared my throat. Why was no one doing anything? Was this a normal thing?
"Joey! Amanda! Quit it! Quit it!" An older man ran up to the scene.
They didn't stop.
The man, who I recognized as the principal, had to pry them apart.
"Mr. Jonas," The boy winked, "Good morning."
"I am disgusted by your behavior with Ms. Amanda, I thought you said you were going to stop this monstrosity."
"Well, see about that... I was going to stop, but then I was like- that's not any fun. So I decided not to follow your advice, sorry I didn't give you a heads up."
"Alright, my office. As for all of you... Get to class!" His pointed a shaking finger and everyone scampered.
Slowly, I followed everyone else, desperately trying to remember where my first hour was.
-
I held the mocha in my hands, and I cautiously brought it up to my lips trying not to burn them. However, the hot liquid scorched my tongue, but I drank more anyway. When the cup is halfway empty, I set my mocha in the cup holder and turned on the ignition.
The radio blared immediately. I winced and turned it down as I questioned what song possibly made me listen to my music so loud.
Faintly behind the buzzing I heard the words, and my mouth dropped. Slowly, with trembling hands, I turned the radio up.
A little more clear now I heard the words.
"I wanna know what love is,
I want you to show me,
I wanna feel what love is,
I know you can show me."
I shook my head in disbelief. "No fucking way," I whispered. Joey and I's song. Such a terrible song, I thought, but I couldn't quit listening. I was already softly humming the tune remembering the days when Joey and I were together.
-
First hour was health. And apparently, health is more then sex ed. When I asked the principal he said we also talk about healthy eating and stuff. Tell that to the kid in the back who was working on his second cosmic brownie.
The class didn't have assigned seating so certain "types" sat in a certain area. The jocks sat in the front left corner. The preppy suck ups sat at the front right corner, right by the teachers desk. The strange ones sat in the back. However, there was no sections for homosexual new kids, so I sat next to the only other person who seemed out of place.
She had choppy black hair with various red and purple streaks. Her hazel eyes that were cloaked with eyeliner struggled to stay open. Her black nailed fingers tapped the desk rhythmically.
I slid into the desk next to her, and I heard her shift slightly. I pulled out my empty first hour notebook.
"You won't be needing that," She said dully, "We don't do shit in this class."
"How do you know?" I asked without looking at her.
"I've taken this class every year."
"Why? You only need one health credit," I faced her now.
She crumpled up a piece of paper and tossed into the trash, "I ask him to fail me. I like this class. We don't do anything, and Mr. Playnet is a good dude. He's chill." She smacked her gum.
"He just fails you? Is that legal?"
"Probably not," she shrugged, "But I do him favors," She winked at me.
"No, wait..." I lowered my tone and bent closer to her, "Does that mean..."
She used the tip of her nail and pushed my hair back, "I'm kidding. Mr. Playnet knows more about me then anyone. He knows why I want to be here.
"Meaning?"
She waved off my question, "Our flannel's are similar."
I looked at my red and black flannel, then examine her nearly exact same one. Except mine was buttoned up, and hers was unbuttoned, exposing and Nirvana t-shirt.
"Huh, I guess your right," I picked at the sleeve of my flannel.
The corners of her lips slightly curled up, "I'm Alice, by the way." She held out her hand.
I shook it and said, "I'm Shane."
"Nice to meet you, Shane. Welcome to Lincoln high school."
"Alright class, I know your all just here for you credit," I could almost hear Alice smirk as Mr.Playnet spoke, "So we'll try to make this easy. Like so easy that if you fail your dumb ass," We all laughed, "But there are two ways you can leave this class. You can leave with knowledge on how to live a healthy life, or you can leave without learning anything. I'm here to inform you, but it's your choice on what you do with the information. Be smart."
I doodled on a piece of paper as he spoke. I was listening though. He mostly talked about what we'd learn about in the class. I'd laugh when he said something funny, but mostly I thought about what I saw in the hallway. If I was straight, I'd think about how I saw the bottoms Amanda's breasts. But no, I thought about Joey. And how beautiful he was. And how good of a kisser he seemed. Clearly, he had experience. By the way Mr.Jonas spoke to him, this was not the first time this has happened.
Halfway through class, someone walked in.
Speak of the devil.
"Hey, Mr.Playnet, sorry I'm late. I was busy fucking your bitch."
"Oh I see, Graceffa...right?" Joey nodded, "Yes, well, Mr.Graceffa I truly hope she didn't get any STDs."
His face turned red, "I do not have chlamydia!" The glass giggled.
"Sure you don't. Life tip number one, starting rumors is wrong, but using the them to your advantage can be acceptable." He winked at Joey as he shamefully slid into the seat next to me.
My heart jumped, but he did not turn to me. He turned to the rather attractive girl on the opposite side of him. I could tell she was on the cheer team just by looking at her.
"Sally, you look great today," He said smoothly.
She twirled a strand of her curly blonde hair around her hair, "Thanks! I bought this top at forever twenty one," She pulled her green tank outwards, revealing her breasts to the world.
"Oh that's nice," He stared at them then rested his hand on her thigh, sliding it upward slowly, "And what about these jeans? These are very nice."
She gasped, but did not push his hand away, which now rested on her inner thigh, "I um, I got these at um... Pacsun." She let out a sharp gasp as his hand rested on her vagina, rubbing it slowly.
"N-not in class," She let out.
He nodded his head, and removed his hand. He took a note and wrote something I couldn't read, and set it on her desk. She picked it up, and nodded at him.
He turned around and scowled, "Are you staring at me?"
It took me a long of time of staring into his beautiful eyes to realize he was talking to me.
"There's a rumor you have chlamydia?" I blurted out. Wow, great social skills, Shane.
"Yes," he said dully.
"My aunt had chlamydia once," The words were flying out of my mouth. What the fuck, Shane? He probably thinks your a retard.
"That's real nice," He said sarcastically.
"I'm Shane."
"Okay, Shane. Listen. You seem like a nice guy, but I'm straight."
"I'm not- I'm not-" I couldn't say it. Because in all honesty, I was. I was gay.
"I know, dude. It was a joke. Gays guys typically aren't c-" He immediately stopped talking.
"Aren't what?
"Nothing," He waved it off.
"No, you were saying something."
"I was just saying they typically don't have that haircut."
I knew that's not what he was going to say. But I let it slip. "So what is this fag haircut look like?"
His expression hardened, and it took me by surprise. "Don't say fag, it's offensive," His expression softened, "And I don't know, not like that."
I opened my mouth to say I didn't think gays had a certain haircut, but I got cut off by the bell. I gathered all my folders, and when I looked back up, Joey was gone.
"Shane," I heard Alice's voice, "We need to talk."
"Okay, about what?"
She glanced around the room and sighed, "Here." She pulled me to the back of the room where only crumbs of a cosmic brownie remain.
"What is it?"
"Look, are you... gay?" She asked nervously.
Fuck, they were already onto me. "Okay, yes, is it that obvious? Please don't say anything. I just got here and-"
"Not Joey," She gripped my arm, "You can not do that to yourself. Your new here. You do not want that kind of pain."
"I know, I know. He's an ass, he's just so beautiful. I just want to look at him, honest."
"Then why the fuck were you flirting with him? It was very shitty flirting, but it was still flirting."
I shook my head in shame, "I know. God, fuck it. Okay. Well, he's straight anyway. Nothing is going to happen."
She hesitated, "Well, just be careful okay? I don't want you to get hurt. Your a cool dude."
And before I could say anything, Alice was out the door.
I headed back to front of the class. On the floor lay a piece of paper that says, 'After class?'
It was the paper Joey passed to Sally.
I crumpled up the paper and dropped in the trash on the way out. While passing the bathrooms I heard loud moaning, and I knew Joey and Sally went a little farther then making out in the hallway.
Now how often did this happen? Still, since no one was talking about it, I knew this has happened more then once too.
I looked at the clock, and realized I only had one minute to get to class. I found myself sprinting to my second hour.
-
When the song ended, tears welled up in my eyes. I tried to blink them away, but the tears just began to trickle down my cheeks. I slammed my fist into the steering wheel, making the horn honk, and the sound made me even more upset.
I pulled over to the side of the road. I fumbled with the glove box handle to get it open. When it didn't, I kicked it in frustration. Mockingly, it creaked open. I reached in and pulled out the folded yellow piece of paper.
I ran my finger over the faded blue ink that said 'ten years' in Joey's hand writing. I let the little loop at the bottom of his y remind me why I was doing what I was doing.
Slowly, I unfolded the papers. Reading the whole thing word for word, letter by letter, admiring how beautiful his handwriting was. It was normal to most people, but it was glorious to me. It was the same handwriting on that note that said 'After class?' To that girl, Sally, in health. And it's the same hand writing that's been on all of these letters.
I stared at the last line.
'I love you infinitely,
Joey.'
I read that line over and over. I could never get tired of hearing Joey say I love you. It's a statement everyone says, but it meant nothing to me till I heard Joey say it. He's say it with my name "I love you, Shane Dawson," just to remind me that it was dedicated to me. Only me. That's what he told me.
I folded up the paper the way he left it for me and put it back in the glove box. I took a deep breath before starting the car again.
Driving on the open road with no distraction, I couldn't help but think of Joey again.
-
Lunch. Every new kid's nightmare, that's what they always said. They were so right. I looked around for Alice, hoping I'd have someone to sit by.
I looked at all the tables, and my heart began to race. Multiple times, I acted as if I was going to place my tray down and sit, but I swerved away instead.
"Shane! Shane! Over here!" I turned to see Alice sitting with a couple of more grunge looking teens.
I let out a sigh of relief and took a seat in between Alice and a cute boy with pale skin and black hair styled upward with a single purple streak in it.
"Hey! I was hoping you'd have this lunch. That's Amy," she pointed at a blonde with teased hair and just as much eyeliner as Alice. She wore a leather jacket, black jeans, and combat boots. She seemed like that kind of girl who everyone wanted to bang, but then she'd just stab you in the back when she was done with you. "And that's Gregg." She pointed at the cute boy, and he winked at me.
"Hey, Shane. So, Alice tells me your a fellow homosexual." I glanced back at Alice angrily as to say, I told you not to say anything.
"No, no. Don't get mad. I'm gay too, and trust me none of us will say anything. It's just good to know there's other gays besides Tubby Tommy."
"Who's Tubby Tommy?" I asked as I picked at my food which seemed to be some sort of pasta.
"That guy munching on cosmic brownies in health this morning," Alice replied, her mouth full of food.
"He's gay?"
"Yeah. Are you into him or something?" Amy smirked.
"God no. I just assumed he was one of those straight guys who just naturally repel women."
"Well, he repels women, but no he's gay," Alice shoved another bite into her already full mouth. Slowly she swallowed, "Alright so let's talk about Amanda's party tonight."
"Yes," Gregg clapped his hands together, "Shoot, hot mama. What's your plan this time?"
"Well, I've got one target."
"Ooo," Amy rested her chin in her hands, "Do tell more."
"Joey Graceffa," She smirked, and everyone gasped. My heart skipped a beat.
"So your finally gonna get back at Joey?" Amy seemed pleasantly surprised.
"It's about time."
"So what's the plan?" Gregg spoke in a hush tone.
"What's Joey's favorite place to be on Friday nights?"
"Parties," Gregg answered.
"Right, and what is his favorite party game?"
"Sex," I said.
"Already catching on," Alice smirked, "I'm proud."
"Alright, we get it. Joey is a sex addict. What are we going to do about it?"
"Alright. Amy, you are a sex goddess," Amy flipped her hair, "Yeah, okay. So you have to dress ultra slutty tonight."
"On it."
"And make sure at that party, you are all over Joey. Act drunk. Seem...vulnerable."
"Gross."
"I know. I know, but it'll be worth it. Let him take you to a room. Specifically, the guest room," She pulled out a drawn map, "It's the circled one."
"How do you know her house layout?" I gaped at the paper.
She shrugged, "I have my resources."
"On with the plan! I'm getting super anxious!" Gregg slightly bounced in his seat.
Alice rolled her eyes, "So when he takes you to the room, make sure he undresses first. And in that moment, we'll jump out of the closet with a shit ton of silly string and spray it all over him and his luscious hair. And Shane, you can film the whole thing. This day will be a day to go down in history."
"Isn't that kind of mean?" I asked.
"Look, I know what your saying. It is wrong. But we are not doing this to some ordinary guy. We're doing this to Joey Graceffa, and trust me, he deserves it." Alice said bitterly.
I wanted to object, but I couldn't find the words. I couldn't lose the only friends I had.
"Okay, okay, I'm in."
"I knew you'd come through," Alice smiled.
"I'll pick you up, since you don't know where Amanda's house is," Gregg said, "What's your address."
"Here," I pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled down my address.
"I'll pick you up at eight," He winked. I laughed nervously.
The bell rang, and I got up quickly to dump my trey. I didn't want to terrorize Joey. It didn't seem right.
Alice quickly followed up behind me, "Shane, wait up!" She nudged me.
"What?" I tried to sound cheery.
"So? What do you think of Gregg."
"W-what?" I sputtered.
"You know, what did you think of him?"
"Uh, he's nice I guess," I said as I dumped my tray and placed it on the rack.
"So like, do you think you would like... Go out with him?"
"I don't know. I don't really know him."
"Oh come on, he's so freaking cute! I liked him before I knew he was interested in the kind with penises."
I laughed lightly, "I don't know. I guess I have to know someone first."
"Then why were you so quick to flirt with Joey?"
I opened my mouth to object, but I couldn't find the words. I glanced around the room to see Joey rubbing circles in Amanda's back. I watched him until his hand slid from her back to the side of her breasts.
He really liked those things. I turned away from him and headed to my next hour.
-
I had just finished the last bit of my mocha when I got the call.
I struggled to get my phone out. And as soon as I got it out, it fell to the floor.
"Hello? Shane, hey, it's me. Are you there?" A voice came from the phone that lay next to my feet.
"Yeah, Alice, hold on a second."
I picked up the phone and brought it up to my ear, "What's up?"
"Oh, nothing. I was just wanting to know if you were okay."
"You've called and asked me that five times today."
"I just want to know."
I didn't say anything.
"Are you okay?"
I didn't speak a word. Because maybe silence could answer better then words.
"Shane?"
Apparently not.
"No."
"What?"
"I'm not okay." I bit my lip to keep from losing it right there.
"You don't have to do this."
"Yes I do."
"Shane, he can't-"
"Stop!" A scream I didn't recognized took me by my surprise and left me breathing heavily.
"Shane..." She whispered so softly I could barely hear her.
I didn't say anything. I was trembling from head to toe. Because I did recognize that scream. It was the same scream I heard once ten years ago.
It was my own.
My voice quivered, "I have to go."
"Shane! Is it safe for you to drive?"
"I can't talk," I didn't recognize my tone of voice. I sounded so distant. It was like listening to someone speak a foreign language. I had no clue what I was saying.
"I need to know your going to be okay."
"I'll talk to you later, Alice."
"Shane!" The phone fell as soon as the first tear did.
And then it all fell apart from there. I let out a terrible sobbing noise. I hated being reminded of everything. Alice has called, constantly reminding me of what I was doing and why I had to do it. It's not like I forgot. But hearing the words 'are you okay?' really made realize that no, I wasn't okay. I haven't been okay for ten years and I probably won't be for a long time. But no one else needed to know that.
I glanced down at my feet. The caller ID was still pulled up. She hadn't hung up yet. I can imagine her, her hand covering her mouth, sitting on her bed listening to my pathetic sobs. She was probably crying a little herself, too.
"Hang up," I whimpered. When the caller ID didn't go away I shouted, "HANG UP THE GOD DAMN PHONE."
Only a few seconds had past before the caller ID went away. I'm sure she debated if she should actually hang up. If she should track my location and come help. If she should stay on the phone and maybe talk me out of it. But she was a good friend, and she didn't want to hear me cry.
I didn't want to cry either.
But I guess that's what ten years does to you.